Letter to Alex – farewell

Dear Alex

Decree Absolute: 18 October 2011

So as I stare at the piece of paper which gives us our freedom from each other – I still wonder where and why it all went wrong.

But you chose your exit and I have accepted that.

We had a good time didn’t we!  Some brilliant adventures and so much fun.  I know you’ll have your own take on it all and will no doubt decide what you want to cherish  – if anything.  I know I will cherish in my heart the years we had together in so many ways.  So thank you for being part of my life for that time – I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I’m sorry for my part in us hitting the brick wall that ended our life together.

One of the saddest things for me  – as somebody once said – “Isn’t knowing I was lied to but knowing I wasn’t worth the truth”.  That you weren’t prepared to tell me what was wrong.  I always thought of you as my best friend as well as my lover and my marital partner. The one who I could turn to. The one who would be there for me.   I thought you felt that way about me too. You behaved as though you did.

So, dearest Alex, as you disappear into your new future I hope you can at least acknowledge,  I did my best to make it easy for you.  I didn’t rant and rage.   I didn’t slag you off to any of your friends.  I didn’t insist everyone took my side. I never punished you. Throughout these last 32 months I believe I have been understanding, compassionate, helpful, and caring.

I have, I feel, behaved with immense dignity as you stamped over my feelings, smashed and drove a knife through my heart, killed our marriage, cruelly dithered about coming back and then ran from the vows we made, hurt me more than I thought it was possible to be hurt and showed me no respect .  As you hid and lied your way away from me.  I just often wonder what I did to deserve such treatment.

I cared  Alex, I cared for you more deeply than I’ve ever cared about anything in my life. I loved more deeply than I can explain. The feelings of love I had for you were incredible.

My love for you was unconditional . And so, unconditionally, I actually wish the best for you.

Maybe one day you’ll look back and wish you hadn’t done it.  Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve lost.  That you could have been the man you kept telling me you wanted to be and worked to re-kindle that time of true passion – as I wanted and hoped we could do.

Perhaps the pain of not being who you say you want to be isn’t painful enough – maybe it needs to be greater – because until the pain is so great that the true desire within you to deal with it overrides everything else,  it is so much easier to live with the ache.

So I don’t wish you well.  I wish you so much more than that:

I forgive you for what you did  –  and – tough and harsh though this sounds –  I wish you pain.

I wish the pain gets so bad that you do finally take action  – real determined, consistent, unrelenting action – and so give yourself a real chance of becoming the person deep inside who is the one you say you really want to be.  The one not living in a state of fear, trauma, isolation or weakness.  The one I thought and believed, for so long, that I’d married –  but clearly hadn’t.  The one who will then have the identity you say you’re searching for.  The one who IS able to care for someone and protect them – as I  wanted and needed to be cared for and protected. (And as you said you wanted to do for me all those months ago when I fell off my bicycle and you rescued me! ) 

The one who IS heard.  The one who is no longer afraid to speak. The one who no longer runs.  The one who no longer hides. The one who is no longer lost.  The one who knows how to give.

I have learned an amazing amount about me over the last 12 months through Stephen’s coaching.  A process that at times I’ve found very tough, incredibly confusing and desperately emotional, but also fascinating, challenging and amazingly enlightening.  I’ve kept on going as I found I just wanted to learn and know more and to dig deep enough to  find the Real, True Me.   And I now know the ‘new me’ wouldn’t and doesn’t want the ‘current you’ – the one  I’ve seen during this traumatic time –   but she does want the type of man you said you wanted to be – the one I thought you were.

You  have removed yourself from our life together, so you’ve missed out on seeing the ‘new’ feminine, ‘girlie’ me!  The me with whom you could have had the future we should and could have had and I am now sure I’ll have with someone else. A Someone who will care for me and protect me and laugh and have fun with me. A Someone who will truly love me. Someone who will always be there for me, who will argue with me and then enjoy the passion of making up!   Because by caring, protecting and loving me I’ll then feel safe to continue to be the real me.  The passionate, fun-loving, giggly, wise, caring and feminine me I’ve found.  The one you said you wanted me to be but often didn’t make me feel safe enough, or give me enough love, to be.

If you haven’t found it already then may you find your brilliant future too – the one where you love you with a passion, you are the man you say you want to be  – the protector and the carer, the giver and the lover – in fact –  where you are free from whatever it is that’s holding you back so you can be the truly amazing you.    The man who knows how to stand tall. The truly amazing man.

And lastly, I look back on all the fantastic presents you gave me over the years.  Sadly there was one thing I now realise I desperately wanted, the one thing you weren’t either free enough,  or didn’t know how, to give me……………….. yourself.

Goodbye, Good luck.

Caroline
(Shame he’ll never get to read it)