Stop!…. The negatives

I said earlier this week that I felt there had been a war going on in my mind.  Well it did feel that way.  Finally the storm blew itself out and with the help of my LC I feel a great deal calmer.

There is still the odd ‘skirmish’ going on.  And as usual it’s at night.  And last night when the ‘demon’ with his toasting fork had another bash at dragging me back down to my past I concentrated very hard on the positives.  Every truth that pushed its way to the forefront of my mind I allowed to be there but put a positive slant on.

It kind of worked!  So although I feel tired today – I think the tiredness is the overall exhaustion of the last week as I wasn’t awake for  long last night. (And I was in such a state of calm last night that I forgot to eat supper which probably wasn’t such a bright thing to do!)

So what did I ‘face’ last night.

I am alone – yes – but that means I can do what I want, when I want.

I want to be with someone – Yes – so isn’t that great!  There are all those men out there who haven’t met me yet who – though they don’t know it – are just longing to meet me – and I just might be the answer to their dreams!  And ‘he’ whoever ‘he’ is will be the answer to mine!

Moving is stressful – Yes – but then I will be somewhere new – and new is opposite the pub in our village  and close to my friends and the shops – so I won’t have to drive home after an evening out!

Alex shouldn’t have done this to me – This is the tough one.  But he has.  And I no longer believe him when he says he still cares.  Actually he must really dislike me to have done what’s he’s done. And it’s his loss. He threw it all away not me. We had a great time.  So I shall have a great time with someone else.  Alex isn’t the only explorer on the planet (and you take that in as many ways as you like!).   I just need to find someone else who a) loves exploring other parts of the planet which I haven’t been to yet and b) Wants to explore the planet with me!  – Oh Yes and c) wants to explore me!!

My demon

I have a little demon who lives inside my brain
And at 3,00 a m each morning he likes to cause me pain!

He bashes at my brain cells and tries to cause me harm
He realigns all my thoughts and  destroys my peace and calm

He wants to stop my future, to hold my life in check
and if I could catch the little bugger, I’d wring his sodding neck!

I’d grab his bloody toasting fork, and break it on his head
I’d free myself from his iron grip, and then go calmly back to bed!

Nights

After a lovely evening with friends I walked home and tucked up all calm and at peace.

Then up jumped my little demon and bashed around in my brain at 2.45 this morning (and  I did feel he was a little red terror with a toasting fork!)  until I woke up.

Clearly I have a way to go and  I need to deal with the issues which still rush around demanding my attention.

So now it’s 6.30 and I’m struggling this morning.  Must dash!  Work requires me –  sadly!

A better Sunday – lonely but better

I spent nearly 3 hours outside in the garden trying to photograph red kites feeding.  Of course as soon as I gave up and went inside they all swooped in for the food I’d put out!

I did go out and about and in fact bumped into a friend whose husband has just done to her what mine did to me.  So we had an uplifting chat and wished each other a Christmas – carefully leaving out the word Happy!

I could have done without hearing the track on the Radio – “I’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold…..”  – but that’s the way life goes!!  Perhaps I should write new lyrics to it!

“I’ll be happy this Christmas – now that you’ve gone
I’ll be happy this Christmas – from today and now on!”

Works for me!!

Still got my demon to destroy though.  Which has been haunting me rather a lot today.