The difference between dreams and reality

Dithering, as I was early this morning, about what – if anything – I was going to inflict on my poor unsuspecting reader today,  when into my inbox popped this email from Bob Proctor (one of the ‘gurus’ Stephen recommended I read):

“Here is an interesting concept that I have used ever since I can remember and that I have shared in my seminars for years. If you’re interested in setting a sizeable goal, I know it will help you too!

I want to talk about Fantasy, Theory, Fact. The basis for this concept is that everything has its origination in the form of a Fantasy, which some adventurous soul dares turn into a theory and then becomes bold enough to turn into a fact. This entire transition, of course, is the result of the highest form of no-limit, positive thinking available, yet, the cautious may construe this as erratic behavior.

Give this serious thought for a moment. The idea of moon landings, communicating via a fax machine, traveling on supersonic jets or wearing synthetic garments was, a very short time ago, sheer fantasy. Today, they are almost considered commonplace. Why? How did these things come about?

This entire cosmos is filled with thought stuff – a creative form of energy. Imagination is one of our mental faculties and it is the one we use to fantasize. An active imagination is able to build clear and vivid images. The most important step in building your fantasy is that you not concern yourself with how your fantasy is going to become a reality. Where the resources will come from is of absolutely no concern to you. Let the image evolve freely in your mind. Build the picture in color … feel it, smell it, taste it, touch it … all through the aid of your imagination.

Once you’ve built your fantasy, turning it into a theory calls for you to answer two questions: Are You Able? Are You Willing?

You could very easily be thinking, “Yes. But!” At this point, it’s important to remember that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and attempting to go beyond the limits that your old belief system dictate… and whenever that happens, doubt, immediately followed by fear, enters the picture. To be able to answer this question in the affirmative–“Yes, I am definitely able,” does not mean that you have to know how it will happen. There is no way that you could know how it will happen…you have never done it before, it’s a brand new experience. The Wright Brothers didn’t know how to fly when they fantasized themselves doing it! They just believed they could.

The second question: Are you willing? Are you willing to pay the price? Are you willing to make the sacrifices that will be required to turn your dream into a reality? And you know that there will be sacrifices. My mentor, Val Van De Wall shared with me that most people think sacrifice is giving up something. That’s not true. Sacrifice is merely releasing something of a lower nature to make room for something of a higher nature.

The minute you answer–“Yes, I am able!” and “Yes, I am willing!” … your fantasy moves to the next phase of creation and becomes a theory in your consciousness and, at this point, it turns into a goal.

The process of turning your fantasy to fact is ready to move into the final stage … fact. From this point on, it becomes a lawful process. As you turn the image over to your universal subconscious mind by getting emotionally involved with the image, the laws of the universe kick into gear and begin to turn that image into physical form. The law of perpetual transmutation takes that image and begins to move it into form with and through you. Your vibration starts to change and that causes your behavior to change. Your new vibration sets up an attractive force and begins to attract to you all things requisite to the fulfillment of the picture, through the harmonious vibration of the law of attraction. Although you have no way of knowing exactly how it will move into form, faith and your understanding of the laws will create a knowing within you that it must move into form.

This is the very process that has taken us out of the cave and into the condominium. Let your mind play. Fantasize a much better form of life than you presently enjoy.

To your success,
Bob Proctor “

So, dear reader, now all we have to do is dream and then do it!  What do you reckon?!

And yes, Stephen, I know it’s what you’ve been encouraging me to do for months and months!

Maybe now, at last, I’m ready to fantasize and then ……………..!

Damn the Dreams!

Poppy in my garden

At least during the day I have some semblance of control over my wayward thoughts.  I can decide which way to go.  Up or down!  But not when I’m asleep!

And having spent a large percentage of the last 24 hours asleep I have to say I’ve had enough of the dreams!

My body had got to total exhaustion stage yesterday and I slept most of yesterday afternoon, evening and then after a small window of wakefulness  – through the night!  Which does seem rather a waste of a day – but there was no alternative!!  So how come I still feel tired?  Well the dreams were chaotic, graphic, romantic and unfair.  So I woke – back into the reality – tearful and feeling wronged – all over again!!


Today is a Bank Holiday here in the UK so no work today.  I have my French class tonight to prepare for.

And I shall go over, yet again, what I learned at my LC session last week, and hopefully understand more of what I need to do – and possibly how!

I tell you one thing, dear reader, I’ve always said there are more questions than answers to this situation I find myself dumped in and that now applies to the LC sessions as well!!

I suppose the bonus is that, if I concentrate, the questions are forward looking rather than backward!  However, confusion still reigns!

Big Time!!!

It’s either no sleep or dreadful dreams

My mind is being unkind!!

Either I don’t sleep – which is bad news OR

I dream – dreadful unsettling dreams – which is bad news!!  Great!  I so love night times!!

Last night I dreamt Alex and I were climbing a mountain through a forest.  Lots of trees in our way and the path was very wet and slippery. For some reason we parted at one point and then spent  a lot of time searching for each other.  Occasionally we met up (good grief this is bearing a great resemblance to reality!)  – but each time we did Alex kept telling me he’d been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (I have no idea where that came from – dreams can really be odd!) and so wasn’t capable of climbing the mountain or showing emotion.

This is all very well but I don’t exactly feel refreshed from a good night’s sleep.

And I am getting more excercise – I walked quite a bit in London on Saturday – OK I didn’t do much on Sunday but then it was freezing cold (that’s my excuse!).  OK , OK – I need to do more and get fitter – I do know that!  But I wasn’t going out cycling when it’s all icy – I sort of don’t need (or should that be “Kneed”) to do myself any more damage!

My Alexometer has been hovering around 2.00 – 3.00 for the last few days.  Which is OK.  It does go down on occasions when I just want to tell him to go to hell. 

And yes I will admit to a Sunday evening dip when  the Alexometer shot up briefly and I wished Alex was back – and no I don’t know what triggered it.  It just happened.

And another thing….. (updated – a lot)

Why when I finally do get back to sleep –  does my brain feed me such disturbing dreams.  I really do NOT need to dream about what my “Soon-to-be-Ex”  is doing with his F***ing new woman.  And in such unnecessary graphic detail.  And why do my dreams make me be a bystander and observer to it all.  And she’s so smug about it.  So patronising.  So pleased with herself. All 6’1″ of her.  Bl**dy amazonian tart that she is.  As I said to someone at the beginning of all this (back in Feb 2009) – I could just about cope with him exploring the upper reaches of the amazon – it was the lower reaches I objected to!!

BTW I’m just trying to make myself laugh this morning.  Though laughter seems a long way off.  And thank you AJ for your comment to my previous post!  And the youtube link – brilliant.  That did make me giggle!!

How I just wish someone could wave a magic wand which will:

  • Sort out all this clearing out for me
  • Sort out all the notifications I need to do with the move.  The utility companies, insurances, etc (OK I know I do this as a job so am perfectly capable – I just want someone to share the burden)
  • Sort out my mind – with no effort from me – just do it.  A sort of mind altering moment as in Harry Potter
  • Just take away all the stress and pressure

Actually – at this moment – all I want to do is shout HELP!

But I know that’s not possible.  As

  • only I can sort out all the detritus that surrounds me
  • only I know what I want to keep.
  • only I can deal with all the paperwork
  • only I can sort out my mind.  I can be given/shown the tools to do it but ultimately  I have to put in the effort to do it. Only I can control me.  And at the moment that’s just too big an ask.

And sitting here mulling over all this is not going to make the mountain of clearing any smaller.

I really do just want to give up and hide.  But I know I can’t.

(12.00 midday) All I can do is cry – and today I am really crying.   Sorting out our bedroom was always going to be tough – which is why I’d been putting it off.  And it is.  And no it bl**dy well isn’t cathartic.

Radio 2 is going through the best 50 duets of all time and this is one of mine. I think I need to heed the words:

1.30pm:  Lunch break. Crying has turned into body-shaking sobbing.  And no I can’t turn any of these bloody negatives into positives – there are none right now.  I can’t.  Maybe I just can’t today.  Maybe I just don’t want to any more.  And  someone has just rung me up and asked my to dinner on Weds evening (which I have accepted) but I wish they would stop telling me I will feel better once I’ve moved, once I’ve completed all this sh*t, once I’ve ‘moved on’, once ……..

And I know I sound ungrateful – to all those who are encouraging me in all their different ways. I’m sorry,  I’m not ungrateful I just can’t cope.  I just happen to be stressed out of my mind.

3.3opm:  Tea break. I’ve always been able to judge how well I’m doing by the number of handkerchiefs I have to wash.  I’ve just run out of clean ones!  Which hasn’t happened for a while.

I know this sounds self-indulgent BUT:   This SO SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME.  But it is.  And how Alex can claim he still cares when he’s done what he’s done and behaved the way he has is beyond me.  He has a very odd way of showing care.

Going through our past today has been very very emotional.  As I come across various items – usually by accident – and remember the wonderful times we had together.  It just seems so wrong that it all had to end. I am not a hard, cold, dispassionate  person. I wish I was.  I could then bin all the physical reminders of our past without a second look.   I am emotional, I care.  So it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.  And this reality check of what has happened and what we had is so hard to get through.   And I haven’t finished yet.

And I’m not even going to touch the photos – they’re going straight to store.  Going through those would finish me off completely.

I sometimes wonder what the point of ME is!  I felt I used to know.  And no it hasn’t got anything to do with work.  I thought I was important and mattered to Alex.  I was important to my Dad in the last years of his life as I was one of his chief carers.  I just don’t feel I matter anymore.  Not really.  I am an inconvenience to my brothers.  And yes I know I have friends and you, my readers, who email me and comment on this blog – which is great.  You do matter – thank god you’re out there.

And Yes I know “your mind gives you what you focus on” (life coaching moment) BUT actually I am not focusing on a miserable future. I don’t know what I’m focusing on.  Very difficult not to focus on the past as the past is what I’m dealing with right now.  And I don’t need to be reminded of any of it just now!  And If I want to have a mini-rant I can as this is my blog and I can write what I like!!

OK I’ve made myself grin through my tears!!  Gosh I do sound like a stroppy  teenager!!

5.30pm – A dose of ironing has been very calming. The sobbing has stopped.  Enough for today.  My emotions can’t take any more for today.  I’m listening to Radio 3 and Mozart (It’s Mozart all this week!).  Also soothing and calming.  and I now have a clean supply of handkerchiefs so I can bawl my eyes out again!!  Not that I feel I can now.  I’m cried out for now.

So it’s back to work tomorrow. Probably a good thing. I need a break from all this.  I’ve emailed Alex to sort out the phone bill and to come and get the things I’ve found which belong to him.

I look dreadful.  Crying has done nothing for my appearance.  I have red eyes, black rings under my eyes.  This is NOT a good look!

And just to add another mini-rant:  How come people feel it’s good to say to me:

“We were invited to Alex’s for dinner the other night.  He was on his own.  Pity we were really looking forward to meeting his new woman”.  So – on the one hand – I can feel pleased he is on his own – and on the other I wanted to dot her one for wanting to meet HER.  Actually people just don’t think!  But then she’s one of those who has told me:  I should NOT be going to Life Coaching or any other form of therapy, I should be moving on, letting go, that clearing out will be good for me + several other things, Including did I know I was bossy!  Anyway it’s all OK for her –  she’s been happily married for nearly 30 years and has absolutely no idea what any of this is like!


So this is My dream future – where anything is possible:

To run my own business.

My  business will be a help centre which will provide a very safe haven for different types of therapy for people:

Life and Relationship Coaching
divorce support groups
Alexander Technique
Practical help for people on lots of issues

It should also be a drop-in centre too.  Lots of free parking.  And maybe a coffee/tea shop as well  with books and magazines and newspapers – but I don’t want it all sandals and hippy!!  And no scented candles – I so hate scented candles!

Where I live

In a lovely house with at least 3 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms.  A study.  A sewing room.  A dining room. Sitting room and kitchen.  A garage.  Not modern.  Fairly old  so it has character but in good repair.  With a  garden where I can sit out but also grow vegetables and room enough to put food down for the kites so they swoop in to feed – then I can photograph them.


New look me.  Slim legs.  I stand up straight.  I am funny and  am having fun and buzzing.  Interesting to talk to.  I listen.  I make people laugh.  I am confident.  Self assured. Significant.  Loved.  People gravitate towards me.

New clothes.  New look.  So I look well dressed but in a good way – not starchy.  Trendy.

My new man:

Someone who is tall, slim, not too old – a few years either side of my age is fine.  Who is solid and trustworthy, reliable, funny, teases me, cares for me.  Wants to look after me.  Won’t let me down.  Will love me. Passionate – very passionate –  but very understanding.  Will help me deal with my ‘freezing problem’ .  Will help me talk it through, who I can tell it all to,  and be so focused on me I won’t feel  tongue tied – I really want to be able to say and do anything  and so I will relax and allow myself to abandon myself in the moment, to give myself totally – all the time!

I will be loved.  Really loved.  Unconditionally loved.  Hugged loads.

But for now I want to be asked out by lots of men. AND THEY CAN ALL PAY!  I want to be sent flowers.  Lots of flowers.

People ring me up just ‘cos I am fun to talk to.  I’m wooed.


I want to go on holiday.  I want buckets of money so I can go on lots of holidays.

I want someone who wants to drive into deserts and look at the emptiness and wonder at it.  I love the isolation of remote places.

When I’m not working:

I become a brilliant photographer and win prizes

I am the best actress in the am drams

I become a good glider pilot

I own a lovely glider

My novel is published and is a great success and is turned into a film – this gets me lots of kudos

My blog is THE BLOG OF THE YEAR.  I get loads of hits a day and everyone is talking about it.  It’s used by life coaches and psychologists as an example of how to get over a heartbreak.  I want it to be better than “Eat Pray Love”.


And this is only the start

There will be more to come as I add to this!

Blogging is good!

It’s good to blog.  Even though the posts in this blog can seem rather repetitive –  when I read it all back they aren’t – not really.

I am moving forward.  I have come a long way since August when I started this Life/Relationship coaching!  And until last week I thought I was through most of the trauma.  Wrong!!!

I have changed my view – on why it all went wrong!    (Yes I know that sounds as if I am looking back all the time – but I just have to make sense and understand it all !)

Alex has huge issues with his childhood – I know because he has told me so.  And I have one massive hang-up as a result of what happened when I was 15.  So actually I think given the issues we both had our marriage was somewhat doomed – maybe from the beginning – unless we had actually sorted these things out.  That, of course, is what we are both doing now.  Just a bit late where our marriage is concerned!   And it’s just so dreadfully sad that Alex had to behave the way he did.  Maybe he needed to do that.  But – to understate the case  – I rather wish he hadn’t!! 

I have always known I couldn’t help Alex – he has to do that for himself.  All I can do is help me and as I discover things about me that I had buried very, very deep – so deep I didn’t know they were there – painful as it is – I do feel I have to do this to give myself a future which is free from fear.

Dealing with what I found out last week has been the most traumatic.  And over this last week I’ve spent a long time wondering why I was so accepting of the assault but also buried it.  The answer is, I think, – as I saw it at the time – I had no other option.

The man who did this to me was a popular and prominent figure at the flying and gliding club where my father  instructed as a hobby.  The place where my family spent most weekends and I spent all my school holidays.  Where I learnt to glide.  Had I said anything then that whole life would have fallen down like a deck of cards.  I know I shouldn’t have been put in a position to take that decision but I can see I felt I had no choice.  All I could see – I believe – is my parents removing themselves and me from the club.  My father would have lost his hobby – as would I.  I imagined that we would be the ones to leave – not him!  Who knows how things would have panned out had I told my parents – history is history and can’t be rerun!

So I chose my route and carried on as if nothing had happened.  And having made that decision I spent the following 5/6 years seeing him and his wife on a regular basis.  I buried it all so brilliantly I don’t remember feeling wronged at all.  It really was as if the incident hadn’t happened.  Except of course I changed.  I became this person who was over flexible in my wish to be included when  I met someone I really liked and wanted to be with.  I’d do anything to hang on to them and not let go. 

And as to this man who did this to me.  I did see him several years later (probably 15 or more) .  He greeted me using my nickname.  And finally I reacted.  My respect for me came to the top then as I remember telling him – in no uncertain terms  – that my nickname was reserved for my friends and them alone and he was and never had been a friend of mine.  I think he got the message!

I can’t say anything more to him now.  I heard he died 2 years ago.  Having been married 5 times – says it all really!

As to now.  I am glad others can see I have a route out of this.  Because I can’t!  So although I am facing tomorrow with some trepidation I am not going to ‘chicken out’.  It would be stupid to do so – as I need to know what’s on the other side of where I am now – if you follow me.

I would also like to get rid of the Dreams.  My dreams now centre on me being left out and accused of being inflexible, not wanted, not liked………etc, etc.  Gosh part of my brain must know it’s about to be sorted out and appears to be making a last-ditch attempt to hang on to what has supposedly worked for me for so long!!! 

Well it has to stop!  I want a safer  and happier future!  And I am going to get one!