Early Morning Stroll

For those of you who want to know how last night went – I had a fabulous time with my friends at their Glee’s evening.  We had a brilliant time singing Flanders and Swann songs (see my Music page for some!).  We sang The Seahorse and The Sloth and many others.  Wonderful food and great company!

Their friend was ‘interesting’.  I have to say it’s rare for me to meet someone these days and feel I can see why they are divorced!   Not so in his case!!  I can totally understand why he is on his own!!  Enough said!  (But I proved I had lightening reflexes by catching his wine glass as he knocked it over and righting it before it hardly spilled a drop!!!)

I have just returned from a very early morning walk by the lake, which now has lots of ducklings swimming along behind their mothers.  And we all know how I feel about ducks being in a row!!

The lake is still a very special place for me – but gosh so many memories. And they all flood back like a tidal wave whipped up by the wind.  They come rushing to the shore and envelop my being.  It’s a fight to keep them away.  But it’s a fight I know I have to win.  I have to walk the path and create new memories so I can push the others out.  It’s always harder after I’ve had a particularly splendid evening out as the contrast is greater.

But to do the opposite and not have the fun is to live a mediocre life – and that I categorically do not want to do.

Am I wrong or am I right? (updated)

Note this ramble below is not me feeling sorry for myself, I am not in that mood today.  Even if the following does sound like it.  It’s more analysis!!  Today I need to analyse!

So clearly I am wrong.  I am wrong to have believed Alex and I could have found the happiness I believe in.  I am wrong to have hung on for so long.  I am wrong to have believed I should ‘be there’ for him through whatever trauma he is going/has gone through.

That’s what so many people seem to be telling me.

And accepting I am wrong is quite unnerving.  Because if I am so wrong over all this what else am I wrong about.

Am I wrong to believe I love him.  Was I wrong to have married him.  Am I wrong to feel that what we had was something special.

Am I really supposed to trash it all just in order to heal my broken heart.  Because I am not prepared to do that.  The healing has to be from a position of honesty.  The honesty which comes from the heart, not the head.

I am told I have to ‘Move On’, to ‘Let Go’.  Well clearly there is no future in clinging to Alex – I can’t he isn’t in ‘clinging’ reach.  And if ‘Ship Alex’ has sunk then there’s no point in going down with the ship as it heads for the bottom of the ocean.  I hadn’t realised that the iceberg we hit had holed the ship so badly sinking was the only option.

I hadn’t realised because like the iceberg which collided with the Titanic everything on Ship Alex seemed OK.  I will admit we might have been having a rather doldrums moment but I believed the wind would pick up and we would continue sailing forward.

I always thought Alex was captain of our ship.  But like the captain of the Titanic maybe he dithered about which way to go for too long.  So in the end he jumped ship rather than steer or sink with it!

The other thing I have to acknowledge – sooner or later – is that Alex must really dislike me to have done what he has.  To decide he isn’t even interested in discussing the issues he feels he has.  Not to want to investigate and consider other options than the one he has chosen.   And if he does dislike me so much what in hell’s name did I do to generate that feeling.   I find this all very interesting.  Because if my LC is right and all men want to do is to please their partner and make them happy then why didn’t Alex want to do that for me?

As I said at the start of this post.  I am NOT feeling sorry for myself today – just analytical!  I find I have to investigate these thoughts which keep bubbling to the surface,  I have to confront them or all they do is go round and round.  Perhaps confronting them will make them, finally, go away!

Perhaps if Ship Alex had dealt with the ducks (which I wrote about in December) earlier then we could have steered a different course!! Who knows.

Maybe it’s answers I want. Which I know I won’t get.  And do answers help?  Good question!  The psychologist who ran the Divorce Support Group I went on last year was adamant that answers made not a jot of difference.  Well maybe for her they didn’t.  So although I sort of understand where she was coming from I don’t totally agree.

And that’s another thing.  I’ve had all this advice, points of view,  guidance, challenges etc from all these experts. But Who is Right?  And who do I believe and put my trust in?  That trust to guide me in the right direction.  I know a lot of the time people are playing devil’s advocate in order to challenge me and encourage me to dig deep and investigate my true feelings, wishes, hopes and desires.  So when do I believe what they are saying and when do I challenge them.

When do I acknowledge that I’m wrong and they’re right?!!  Or vice versa!

I need to remind myself….

I need to remind myself:

  1. Not to keep using the post title “sleep – how I wish”   as it’s becoming repetitive.
  2. I am going to have a fun filled future free from fear, frustration and ‘freezing’!!
  3. Alex could have chosen to be part of that but has opted out and it’s his loss.
  4. My dolls house is cuddly and will be warm and I shall feel safe
  5. I am young at heart, funny, cuddly, intelligent and people like me lots and lots
  6. And I must look forward not back.

So Alex has now left.  We had a pleasant evening together.  We drank nearly all of a bottle of wine and  – of course – copious amounts of tea.  The British always drink tea when under stress!!!  Just remember “Notting Hill” !! “Drink Tea”  – we did – cups and cups of it!  I shall be up all night (No change there then!!)

So you can guess how I’m feeling.  It’s not even worth me writing about it. We all know ‘where I am’.  But I am not actually down. Just frustrated (and not in the way you might think) with how this has all ended up………

No I AM NOT  – POSITIVELY NOT GOING THERE!!

Focus Caroline – ON THE FUTURE!  IT’S GOT SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER.

NO PAIN JUST PLEASURE.

I shall go and play with my little green cards some more.  I will get them in order.  I am determined to.  Somehow!!

Alex spotted I had Intelligence at the end  – which is clearly bizarre!!

And just one last thing for this evening:

Some of my ducks may be having trouble riding all the waves  – but at least they are swimming and they are all swimming in the right direction – most of the time!  Well most of them are these days and I can chivvy the odd stray one who turns round and tries to go the wrong way!!

I am not so sure about Alex’s ducks.  From what he said this evening they haven’t all made their minds up and are considering their options!

How did he know?

And for once this doesn’t refer to Alex.

What I find fascinating is how my Life Coach knew there was something in my past that I was hiding.  Considering I didn’t know I was hiding it, it seems amazing he did.  And he even knew roughly when it had occured in my life.

Clever!  But also rather unnerving!

I do feel as if I’ve been put under a microscope. 😕

And  – by the way – all my ducks  which I thought I at least had swmming in one of two definite directions – have scattered and are all over the place!! 🙂

The sorting out has to start sometime

And I started this afternoon.  I can’t just send everything to store.  It would be ludicrous to do so.

But gosh it is so tough.  Tough to find things that we had put away – remembering why we’d bought them in the first place!  And then tough deciding whether to keep them or get rid of them.

Alex  just walked away from all this.  He took  his personal belongings and left me with everything else.  The photos, the travel kit, everything. ……

And the only person who can go through it all is me.

This is tougher than going through my father’s belongings – by about a million percent.  After all my father had had his life and died when he wanted to.  This is so hard.

And it’s going to take me days and days to do it.

So in the middle of this ramble my soon-to-be-ex sister-in-law has just rung me up.  And  said she didn’t want to talk about what’s happened to Alex and me. Well what the **** did she expect we’d end up talking about!  After all she hasn’t spoken to me for 10 months and we could hardly chat away as if it hadn’t happened!!!

So I made her talk about it.    And  if anyone needs help it’s her!   I told her to find herself a life coach!

Actually the phone call did me a great deal of good.  I became incredibly positive about everything!!  So actually my ‘ducks’ have just realigned into positive mode!!

(I suppose I created my own reverse psychology! – I just wasn’t going to let her drag me down!  So I just turned it around)

My last comment on ducks (well for today!)

Actually that IS what Life Coaching is all about (well it is for me – today).  It’s shooting the ducks which are swimming towards pain and focusing on the pleasure ducks.  That way the future is fun and great and what I want mine to be.

So with that in mind I went through the final sort out of Dad’s house and the divvying up of his books, records and CDs with my 2 brothers in a spirit of pleasure rather than angst!

It went well.  I even watched with wry amusement as my older brother insisted that anything he thought  I wanted went to my younger brother!  Fascinating!  I spotted this fairly early on so promptly took a great disinterest in anything I liked – thus ensuring I got it!!  So I got all the records – which was great. And several of the more valuable books!!

I only failed on an item of furniture which I really did want (and had said so several days ago).  So, naturally,  my older brother was adamant it went to my other brother!!

Clearly he has never got over me appearing in his world when he was just over 2 years old!!

Still – today my ducks are swimming in the right direction and I am feeling positive as a result!

And it was today a year ago we had over 250 people to Dad’s funeral.  Which was a real celebration of his wonderful life (all 100 years of it). Which he lived to the full to the day he died.  So with that in mind I must focus on his mantra of “Enjoy the Journey”.  He never looked back.  So in memory of him, today, I must do my best to emulate him.

And I have found a lovely place to live.  In the middle of the village where I live at the moment, and it has a small garden and space and as it’s unfurnished I can take lots of my stuff with me which will be so much nicer.  So now I know where I am going to be for the next few months I feel at lot less stressed.