Which is what all this is really about.
Repairing me has been going on since all this started back in Feb 2009 when Alex left. Initially the wound to my heart and my mind was so great it was actually physical. I might as well have been stabbed for all the difference it made. But it is how we deal with pain which matters. In my case – badly!
I then added another dimension to my emotional pain by accidentally falling down my external staircase and nearly killing myself on 21 Dec 2009. Well if I hadn’t dragged myself indoors I would have died of exposure in the snow. And at 2,00am in the morning – after a 10hr drive home from work and a flat mobile phone and no-one in the house to rescue me – I was the only one who could save me.
But then really in many aspects I AM the only one who can rescue me. It’s just nice to have a few ambulances and paramedics around to help! Which is what we all need – in whatever form they are needed.
So for some considerable time I have been dealing with pain. Unrelenting 24/7 pain. First emotional pain on its own and then emotional and physical. But as I say it’s how we deal with pain that matters. Some people are better at it than others. Some people can block out pain altogether. Some people can walk barefoot over hot coals and feel nothing. I am not one of those.
So having lived with unrelenting emotional pain for 18 months and physical debilitating pain for 6 months, rather co-incidentally I decided last July to sort myself out – completely! I’ve only just realised this. But I took action on my entire being all at once. I started the Life Coaching sessions in mid-August and I had my right knee operated on at the beginning of September.
The last 5 months have involved physio every Wednesday – both physical in the form of physio and acupuncture for my knee and emotional physio in the form of Life Coaching for my shattered heart and mind.
The physical pain has gone from acute to something I hardly notice. The emotional pain is now much more of a dull ache. I now get days when I can walk without being aware of a problem and I get large parts of days when I don’t feel sad.
I also get moments, sometimes days, when for no particular reason my leg is incredibly painful and I get moments or days when all I want to do is cry. But both of these are getting less.
I have come a long way both physically and emotionally during these last 5 months. I am at ground level in all aspects. I can walk again. But I want to double the distance I have come so I can go on long walks and not notice, so I can run if I want to. And emotionally I want to be free of any hint of hurt, of the acute angst that sometimes overwhelms me when I least expect it – I want to fly emotionally.
I want all aspects of me to win. So that being said, I really need to do my exercises to repair my leg rather than just think about them. And I have a shrewd suspicion the same applies to my mind……! Clearly I need to work at both!
The rewards are out there – I just need to put in some more effort – that final push – to reach the place I want to be. I have to believe both are possible. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t! I know physically I have restricted myself by the damage I incurred when I fell – I won’t get 100% recovery – the damage was too great. I just hope the damage Alex inflicted on me won’t restrict me emotionally. That I will achieve 100% recovery. 99% is not good enough.