Am I addicted?

I have been thinking about this for the last few minutes having just read Stephen’s post this morning.  It’s worth reading dear reader!  If nothing else it’s very thought provoking!

We covered some of this in the NLP course so I am aware of what we all do to ourselves.  And yes over the last few days I’ve been working hard at dealing with some emotions which resurfaced as a result of my meeting with Alex on Wednesday.

I find it fascinating what the unconscious sometimes triggers.  For instance yesterday, totally unexpectedly – as I was in the middle of organising the renovation of the Reception area at work –  I suddenly found myself missing my wedding ring.  My ring finger felt all wrong. The feeling of my missing ring was incredibly powerful.  Now where’s that come from?  What is my unconscious firing at me for me to pay attention to.  The feeling still hasn’t gone away!  Now that’s so odd as I haven’t noticed this for months and months!! Bizarre.

Still I can always discuss this with Stephen this afternoon.  How we’re going to pack all I want to talk to him about into 2 hrs is a mystery!!

 

A little blog tweaking

I’ve been doing a little tweaking and I’ve changed the tagline of this blog to:
“From Dumped to Diva – Recovery from a Marriage Meltdown”

As it seemed a little more forward looking and where I intend to end up.

I’ve had a few more ‘interesting’ emotions these last few days – which I have kept to myself, dear reader, as I found them so strange, bizarre, unsettling and – in a way – surprising.  I wanted to discuss them with Stephen today at my Coaching session – but it got cancelled – so I’ve had a phone chat today – and I’ll get this week’s session on Saturday.

So that being said – what have these emotions been.

Well mainly masses of Contempt for Alex, a good dose of anger, rage, fury, sorrow, tears – I could go on – but I’ll spare you all!!

Having had my chat with Stephen I gather this is all very healthy.

Yippee!!  I’m so enjoying it!!

(Oops –  clearly I should also add sarcasm (In a nice way!) to the emotions list!!)

I gather all these emotions and mood swings are part of me finding, understanding and being the real, true me!!

What fun!

And today’s health challenge was all about hugs.  And how we all need hugging as it’s really good for our wellbeing.

Oh Bu**er – I don’t have anyone to hug!!

And I DO NOT intend to hug Mr Friday!!  How ever nice he turns out to be!!  Just in case any of you had thought of that as an idea!!!

Looks like my teddy bear is in for another friendly evening!

I’m controlling my emotions!

Only because I need Alex to sort out my broadband connection.  Either that or I am going to invade India!

My saga with BT continues.  I spent over an hour on the phone to their call centre somewhere in India.  Now don’t get me wrong they are all lovely people – they just can’t help!

I’ve been given more technical reset codes than anyone needs.  I have dug into the nether regions of my PC – those dark areas deep in the code where no-one in their right mind wants to find themselves!  And it still doesn’t work!

I have introduced different cables, different routers.  I have become over familiar with connections and splitters and all manner of exciting bits and pieces of hardware.  And the light on the router which should shine a happy colourful green when the connection is made doesn’t even glow orange to say it’s trying but finding it difficult – it doesn’t come on at all.  This means no broadband!  But BT are adamant that it’s working!   WELL IT ISN’T!

So another day’s holiday taken as I can’t work at home when I can’t log in.  And as I don’t wish to drive my 70 mile journey to work on a Weds the only option is a day off!

I am hoping Alex can sort it all out – as he understands these things far better than I do!  Hence the controlling of emotions!  Even I can see that picking a fight with him right now would not endear him to helping me out!!

I shall escape to Life Coaching later and forget I ever wanted an internet connection!!

The Alexometer

Sorry – having a wobble moment.  The Alexometer has soared to a 9.00.

I apologise for this – dear reader – I lost control of it over the last 12 hours or so.  I will endeavour to do better and ‘pull myself together’.

It’s no good wishing.  The only hope is focusing on the future.  And making that future a fun place to be. 

Note to self:  Stop being so over flexible.  Stop thinking you can forgive him.  Stop wishing things were different. Stop caring.  In fact just STOP!  And now just START!  Start creating a fun fulled future.  Start laughing again. Start doing more things.  Start playing the piano (including working out the notes from middle C – as I can’t read music!).  Start taking more photos. 

Well I did well this morning by adding a good comment to AJ’s blog.  I even made him laugh!.

And thank you to all my visitors here.  I am hanging on to your comments at the moment.

Repairing me…

Which is what all this is really about.

Repairing me has been going on since all this started back in Feb 2009 when Alex left.  Initially the wound to my heart and my mind  was so great it was actually physical.  I might as well have been stabbed for all the difference it made.  But it is how we deal with pain which matters.  In my case – badly!

I then added another dimension to my emotional pain by accidentally falling down my external staircase and nearly killing myself on 21 Dec 2009. Well if I hadn’t dragged myself indoors I would have died of exposure in the snow.  And at 2,00am in the morning – after a 10hr drive home from work  and a flat mobile phone and no-one in the house to rescue me – I was the only one who could save me.

But then really in many aspects I AM the only one who can rescue me.  It’s just nice to have a few ambulances  and paramedics around to help!  Which is what we all need – in whatever form they are needed.

So for some considerable time I have been dealing with pain.  Unrelenting 24/7 pain.  First emotional pain on its own and then emotional and physical.  But as I say it’s how we deal with pain that matters.  Some people are better at it than others.  Some people can block out pain altogether.  Some people can walk barefoot over hot coals and feel nothing.  I am not one of those.

So having lived with unrelenting emotional pain for 18 months and physical debilitating pain for 6 months, rather co-incidentally I decided last July to sort myself out – completely!  I’ve only just realised this.  But I took action on my entire being all at once.  I started the Life Coaching sessions in mid-August and I had my right knee operated on at the beginning of September.

The last 5 months have involved physio every Wednesday – both physical in the form of physio and acupuncture for my knee and  emotional physio  in the form of Life Coaching for my shattered heart and mind.

The physical pain  has gone from acute to  something I hardly notice.  The emotional pain is now much more of a dull ache.  I now get days when  I can walk without being aware of a problem and I get large parts of days when I don’t feel sad.

I also get moments, sometimes days,  when for no particular reason my leg is incredibly painful and I get  moments or days when all I want to do is cry. But both of these are getting less.

I have come a long way both physically and emotionally during these last 5 months.  I am at ground level in all aspects.  I can walk again.  But I want to double the distance I have come so I can go on long walks and not notice, so I can run if I want to.  And emotionally I want to be free of any hint of hurt, of the acute angst that sometimes overwhelms me when I least expect it  – I want to fly emotionally.

I want all aspects of me to win.  So that being said, I really need to do my exercises to repair my leg rather than just think about them.  And I have a shrewd suspicion the same applies to my mind……!  Clearly I need to work at both!

The rewards are out there – I just need to put in some more effort – that final push – to reach the place I want to be.  I have to believe both are possible.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t!  I know physically I have restricted myself by the damage I incurred when I fell – I won’t get 100% recovery – the damage was too great.  I just hope the damage Alex inflicted on me won’t restrict me emotionally.  That I will achieve 100% recovery.  99% is not good enough.

Phew! Work!

I actually woke up with a sense of relief this morning that I could go back to work! 

After yesterday who can blame me.  And I did sleep last night.  I had no other option.  I was physically and mentally exhausted!

Thank you – my dear readers – for egging me on and supporting me yesterday, you’ve no idea how it helped.  And stick with me I only have one room to go + a few cupboards (which I think should be OK having ‘scanned’ them!).  Then this emotional marathon will be over and we can all breathe a sigh of relief!!  And I will award you all medals for perseverence in the face of considerable adversity!  I do hope I haven’t bored you to tears!  There’s been enough crying on these posts and I’ve run out of mopping up material!

Thank you for  all the virtual hugs too!!
xxx