What have I Learnt!

Always good to review something once the heat’s died down!!

As Stephen has just commented on my previous post – what you fear is what you get.  Or to put it another way – what you focus on is what you get.

H is up to his eyeballs in resentment (for me!) and lots of other stuff within himself – probably created from childhood.  I often wonder if it started when I was born.  There are 2 years between us.  So suddenly there I was – competition for attention from Mum and Dad! I’ve read that a two year age gap can be difficult.  The older child is just old enough to appreciate the new arrival but too young to understand that it won’t affect the love he gets from his parents.  He just sees it as an intrusion into his world.

Anyway instead of focusing on love he focused on Fairness (something that has been eating away at him for years and years).  From the moment he approached the subject of this ‘dreaded Agreement’ it was clear in his voice over the phone that part of him wasn’t totally at ease with what he was doing.  He had already assumed I wouldn’t like what he was going to say – I could hear it in the tone of his voice.  And so he got exactly what he asked for – I dug in.  And I dug in for quite a few days!  But I didn’t get angry!  Which was even more annoying.  I just stuck to the document we’d all signed.

So he ranted and fired emails at me saying if he’d thought the Agreement was going to stay in place until all 3 properties sold, never mind how long that took, he never would have signed it!!   Difficult that one.  That’s what he signed up to!!

What then took him totally by surprise is that I gave him an act of love.  I told him I loved him.  I also asked him why he resented me so much. I gave him examples of this resentment (painful for him – but he hasn’t denied them!).  I asked him what had I done to trigger this in him?  I asked him what Fairness meant to him.  Of course none of this did he understand!  I would have been surprised if he had.  What I hope though is that somewhere in the deep recesses of his pain I may have triggered some doubt.  A possibility that he could be better than he is.

He retaliated by accusing me of ” alienating him with Emotional Blackmail” and various other fairly unpleasant remarks.  Hanging on for grim death to convincing himself he was right!  I continued to give him love.

Then along comes C. Wading in with remarks of Charity and Cordiality and horror that I should be seeing such pain in H and suggesting H get help so he would love himself! How dare I!!

So I bowed out.  And I signed off with Love.

I wonder why the 3 of us had Significance as our top value. It was mine for so long – until I dug! (thanks Stephen for providing the spade!)

All I remember from our parents was masses of love.  But C said to me once that he was always made to feel like the baby of the family – I think by H.  So maybe  H has had massive control over both of his siblings.  No wonder C ran to another part of the country!  The good side is that C has been amazingly successful in his business career – maybe partly fired by his desire to prove H wrong!  The sad side is that under pressure he doesn’t bring love to the top – he resorts to being very business like and cold and he brings Fairness!

Focusing on the wrong thing they’ve got the wrong thing.  Yes they have their small crumb of financial comfort.  If the property sells within the next year they will each have saved themselves £4K maximum!  So important on an overall inheritance of much much more than that!! .  But by focusing on their fears  and then feeding themselves their ‘proof’ of this they have both confirmed in their minds that I’m the money grabbing person that H decided decades ago I was!!  But then they’re faced with a problem!  I’ve bowed out of the legally binding agreement we set up together in good faith!!  Oops!!  Proof has gone.

So I’ve learnt that under pressure (and the pressure was incredible) to stick to my top Value of Love and that by giving myself Love I can walk away from this with my head held high.  I nearly didn’t.  I nearly failed.  I needed a nudge to remind me of my Values.

But since making the decision (and coming to terms with it!) I’ve slept better!!  A sure sign my Values are in line and I’m happy with my decision.

The sad thing is that there is no way either of my siblings will understand this.  They will convince themselves that they were the ones to ‘make me see sense’,  that they were right and I was wrong and that they’ve saved me from being greedy and money grabbing!  So feeding their fears!  And remaining Stuck in a place with no growth.

Changing for myself was not enough…..

Look out this is another thought provoking post!

One that I’ve been giving a great deal of thought to over the last few days!  Triggered, I think, by the course I was on.

Last summer I was still in ‘stuck’ mode. I knew I didn’t want to be where I was but I lacked the motivation to change.  Ludicrous as I was still very unhappy with my lot!  I think I couldn’t see the point. Why – well I was too wrapped up in me.  Rather than looking at me as others might view me I just felt it was no-onelse’s business.  I needed leverage to push myself into changing  some unconscious behaviours which weren’t serving me as well as they could.

I know Stephen used various suggestions to shift my very stubborn, determined, unconscious will which was hanging on to the ‘me’ who had (in my view) served me well until now.  Finally he asked me what my mother would have expected me to do!  Bingo!  Knowing that she would have been very disappointed to find I was letting myself down was the trigger that finally gave me the push to change. As I’ve written before the process of change wasn’t exactly, initially very pleasant. Though once I saw how different life could be it all became fun and exciting.  I needed the leverage of my mother’s disapproval and disappointment to give me the impetus to take that step into the unknown.  Even though she died many years ago it was the thought that I was letting her down!

The change within me was dramatic.  The fear went and a new certainty emerged.  Yes I lacked a goal to focus on.  But by changing I gave myself the freedom to find the goal.

So why am I  waffling on about this?  Well I get comments here from some people who are also stuck in their own ways and for their own reasons.  Angry, hurt, resentful, feeling sorry for themselves and many more emotions.  One thing we all have in common is we are, or were, stuck in a pattern of behaviour which we are not 100% totally relaxed and happy with.

We can all come up with solutions to mask the problem.  We ‘solve’ the angst by focusing on an activity or a new person.  But ultimately until and unless we address the issue within ourselves we, I believe, could be destined to make the same or similar mistakes in the future.

So what’s the cost of not shifting the out-of-date behaviour which we cling on to so hard?  Well for ourselves maybe just more heartache and pain. But what about those around us?  Our friends, our parents, our children. The cost for them could be so much greater.  Especially children.

So all I would say to anyone who is still feeling scared or uncertain or ‘lost’ is you may not feel you need to change for yourself.  You may feel that living with what could be outdated beliefs and behaviours is OK and just part of you,  BUT maybe you owe it to those who are depending on you or relying on you to take that step into the ‘unknown’ and find out if you are unconsciously not giving yourself the best you can.

So what do you think?

I said it was thought provoking.  Deliberately so!

A time to be kind to myself

I have come a long way in a fairly short time. When I think back to the beginning of August when I started the Coaching – I am in such a different place now.

My goal then was to get my marriage back on  track.  Fortunately Stephen pointed out how limiting that goal was and I agreed my goal should be “To be happy”.

And I have achieved that.

I am much more content with who I am – more than I have been for years.  Yes it has been hard to admit some things to myself. It has been hard to admit there were things that were wrong in my marriage.  It has been hard to admit I had not been honest with myself.

Yes it has been tough – but so so worth it.

And now I know I need to live my life to its full potential.  To grab my future  with both hands and to find the courage which has sustained me throughout the last 20 months to go this next step.  To overcome the fear I have and realise that I will get what I want. So if I make my goals small then I will only achieve small things but if I can give myself the chance to ‘reach for the sky’ then I may – just may – surprise myself.

So I am not going to give up now.  I have come this far it would be a shame just to settle for what I have now when I could have so much more.

I want to grow.

I want to be more than I am now – in a loving, kind but ambitious way.  Not in a hard tough way!  It has to be fun and I shall continue to see the funny side of life!

I want to be loved – and hopefully soon!   I really do so miss being loved – in every aspect of what  that means.  I hate sleeping on my own!    But that person – whoever he is  – will need to want me to go on being me and love watching me grow – because I don’t want to miss out on any aspects of my future.  I WANT IT ALL!!!

This is a new phase I am about to enter.  It’s scary – but then as I so often say to those who work for me  – being scared is good if all you’re scared of is failure  – it means you will strive to achieve rather than settling for 2nd best. So all I need to do is practice what I preach!

So I’m giving myself a week or so of just being kind to myself.

I have my big Thank You Party in 10 days or so for all the people who have cared for me during this time.

Then I have the final sort out of my divorce. Which will be so sad and final but has to be done.  I don’t want the person Alex has become or is at the moment.  There is no future in loving someone who doesn’t love you back.  There’s no point in inflicting any more pain on myself.

Then I will need to really focus on my future.  And I will.