The state of my Alexometer

My “Alexometer” has been registering a steady 3 for a few days now!  Last night it went to 2.5 – which is excellent.  This morning it shot up to 8 with a possible peak at 9..

For those of you who don’t know what this is.  This is my rating on how I feel about my soon-to-be-ex.  Where 10 is wanting him back come what may and 0 is “never darken my door again”!

I have been deciding on the ‘score’ each day to see how I am doing.  Moving is definitely making it wobble.  And wobbly is how I feel just now

It’s now 2.00pm  and I’m packed and ready to go.  The movers have removed themselves with 4 containers full of my belongings which are all going to store.

They have packed everything else and left it here ready for the great exodus tomorrow.  And OK I’m having a good old weep.  I thought I was OK. Well I was until a neighbour rang up and asked me how I was faring and was I feeling sad!!  Brilliant!  Just what I needed!!  My entire married life with Alex was spent in this house and  I’ve just seen that life put into boxes.  How does she think I’m feeling!

My question of the day – to which I know there is no answer is “Why can’t Alex be the Man I want him to be and who I believe he also wants to be?”

I am going out.  I can’t sit here glaring at the boxes all afternoon.  I can’t even eat as they’ve packed all the cooking stuff – all I can get at is the bread, tea and the contents of the fridge!

And I know I said yesterday I didn’t want him back.  And I’m sure my LC will remind me to turn my negatives into positives!!  And this isn’t a rant!  Which makes a change.

I’m not feeling bloody minded, I’m just feeling….. feelings.

My last comment on ducks (well for today!)

Actually that IS what Life Coaching is all about (well it is for me – today).  It’s shooting the ducks which are swimming towards pain and focusing on the pleasure ducks.  That way the future is fun and great and what I want mine to be.

So with that in mind I went through the final sort out of Dad’s house and the divvying up of his books, records and CDs with my 2 brothers in a spirit of pleasure rather than angst!

It went well.  I even watched with wry amusement as my older brother insisted that anything he thought  I wanted went to my younger brother!  Fascinating!  I spotted this fairly early on so promptly took a great disinterest in anything I liked – thus ensuring I got it!!  So I got all the records – which was great. And several of the more valuable books!!

I only failed on an item of furniture which I really did want (and had said so several days ago).  So, naturally,  my older brother was adamant it went to my other brother!!

Clearly he has never got over me appearing in his world when he was just over 2 years old!!

Still – today my ducks are swimming in the right direction and I am feeling positive as a result!

And it was today a year ago we had over 250 people to Dad’s funeral.  Which was a real celebration of his wonderful life (all 100 years of it). Which he lived to the full to the day he died.  So with that in mind I must focus on his mantra of “Enjoy the Journey”.  He never looked back.  So in memory of him, today, I must do my best to emulate him.

And I have found a lovely place to live.  In the middle of the village where I live at the moment, and it has a small garden and space and as it’s unfurnished I can take lots of my stuff with me which will be so much nicer.  So now I know where I am going to be for the next few months I feel at lot less stressed.

Writing Christmas cards is ‘dangerous’

I thought doing the Christmas cards this evening would be a pleasant way of spending the evening.  Well perhaps a bit of a chore but none the less OK!

I’ve had to stop half way through.  It’s all far too emotional.  And it’s not as if I didn’t tell everyone last year what the situation was. So all I had to do this year was sign my name.  So why did I end up in tears.

How stupid is that.  And before anyone says anything – I didn’t think I was focusing on bad things.  It sort of crept up on me without warning.  Which is very unfair.

So BOTHER!  Well other words actually but I am trying not to swear these days!!

But…….

Alex would still have to woo me back.

Big time!

I do have my standards!  And I’m not compromising my values.

And on that basis I know it won’t happen because he won’t take that final step.

So  I just have to get on with it and live my new life.

So regardless of what you all may think of today’s posts (and I think by the number of hits I have had today – several of you are following this mini-saga) I am not letting myself down.

I am beginning to  understand values and apply them to what I expect from a relationship.

I just happen to want everything!!

And  I am smiling at the moment!

And this is the only place in my world where I can be totally honest and say how I truly feel in the moment that is now.

I can’t say any of this to my friends – as all they do is look at me in horror and come out with one of those well worn phrases that mean nothing – about letting go, etc.

I then end up feeling I’m letting them down by being the way I am and feeling what I feel, thinking what I think or saying what I say.

So here is my refuge.  The place where I can let my emotions run riot.  This is what this has been for me all along.

It took me time  – in the beginning – to feel this is how I could use this space, and I wish I had written more in the beginning instead of keeping it to myself as I would have a clearer picture of how my attitude has changed.

Now it’s become almost obsessive.  As you no doubt have noticed – dear reader – by how often I post!  But then I am doing this for me first and foremost!

And this is my own haven.

So we ended up talking! Again!!

I ended up bursting into tears. I so didn’t mean to.  But I just couldn’t help myself.

And maybe it was a good thing as we ended up really talking.  OK I know we did that the other day so nothing new.  And maybe it is wishful thinking on my part, but it did seem more adult this time!

We are such friends.

This is SO stupid.  We laughed.  We chatted and – I stuck to my values.  I don’t know if he stuck to his as I don’t know what his are.  I don’t know if he knows what his are.  Not when applied to a relationship.  But he didn’t go off into child mode – at least not that I noticed.

He’s now gone for the evening, and will be back at 10.00 tomorrow.

As I sit here

As I sit here whilst Alex clears his belongings – which he tells me he will continue to do tomorrow(!)  – I have been re-reading this blog and digging out the positive moments.  The ones I really really need right now.

Alex is being unbelievably lovely today as well.  This is not making this any easier.  I want to ask him to look at what he’s throwing away.  But I can’t.  And I haven’t.

And I haven’t cried.  Nearly, so nearly, but I haven’t.

He says he is through all the trauma.  He has sorted out his mind.  Come to terms with side of him which terrorised him and he is now OK.  He can control it.

I’m not sure I believe him.  But he seems much more relaxed today.  Almost like his old self.

Just stick to what you wrote in your post  below Caroline

I keep re-reading this one (click)