For far too long I focused on how I felt, why I felt it and how if I ‘let go’ of how I felt I would lose my identity. The me that I believed in and who Alex loved (or not!). Focusing on me was painful. Very. In fact Very Very. But not focusing on me was so scary I couldn’t do it.
I have a high need for Love and Significance (though I have to say what I mean my Significance has changed over the last 12 months).
Focusing on what Alex and I had and being the me I thought was true to what I believed (without asking him) that he wanted was the safest place I could find.
It gave me Certainty. A strange feeling of comfort – I knew where I was. But it wasn’t a comfortable certainty. So it scored very low. On a score of 1 – 10 where 1 is bad and 10 is wonderful. I was scoring about a 2 or 3
It didn’t give me Uncertainty or Variety – so that scored about 1 out of 10.
I felt amazingly Significant but not in a good way. I was significantly making Alex feel guilty. It was low level significance
It didn’t give me Connection or Love. I didn’t really love myself. I wasn’t being loved. I believed I was unlovable
There was no chance of any Growth. In the place I was in I was doomed to repeat each day almost like Groundhog Day.
Contribution. I wasn’t contributing to anything or anyone much.
Changing my focus was a battle but a battle I have now by and large won. It can be fragile on some days. Some days I feel I still have such a long way to go. But maybe that’s what Growth is all about. After all there’s no fun without growth.
So on the days when I feel fragile and scared I read this blog – see how far I’ve come and focus on my goal with a determination that is almost scary!!
I thought taking action was going to be painful. Actually staying where I was was far worse.
I just wish I hadn’t left it so long!! I wasted so much time!