Changing the Focus

For far too long I focused on how I felt, why I felt it and how if I ‘let go’ of how I felt I would lose my identity.  The me that I believed in and who Alex loved (or not!).  Focusing on me was painful. Very.  In fact Very Very.  But not focusing on me was so scary I couldn’t do it.

I have a high need for Love and Significance (though I have to say what I mean my Significance has changed over the last 12 months).

Focusing on what Alex and I had and being the me I thought was true to what I believed (without asking him) that he wanted was the safest place I could find.

It gave me Certainty. A strange feeling of comfort – I knew where I was.  But it wasn’t a comfortable certainty. So  it scored very low.  On a score of 1 – 10 where 1 is bad and 10 is wonderful.  I was scoring about a 2 or 3

It didn’t give me Uncertainty or Variety – so that scored about 1 out of 10.

I felt amazingly Significant but not in a good way.  I was significantly making Alex feel guilty.  It was low level significance

It didn’t give me Connection or Love.  I didn’t really love myself.  I wasn’t being loved.  I believed I was unlovable

There was no chance of any Growth.  In the place I was in I was doomed to repeat each day almost like Groundhog Day.

Contribution.  I wasn’t contributing to anything or anyone much.

Changing my focus was a battle but a battle I have now by and large won.  It can be fragile on some days.  Some days I feel I still have such a long way to go. But maybe that’s what Growth is all about.  After all there’s no fun without growth.

So on the days when I feel fragile and scared I read this blog – see how far I’ve come and focus on my goal with a determination that is almost scary!!

I thought taking action was going to be painful.  Actually staying where I was was far worse.

I just wish I hadn’t left it so long!!  I wasted so much time!

Dilemma

I always said I’d be 100% honest here. So I could see for myself how my life unfolded.  How I progressed and found my route out of the hole I fell into when Alex left and my marriage collapsed.  All the steps forward, the wobbles.  The ups and the downs.

So do I still admit when I’m feeling down or do I now only post the upbeat moments thus giving everyone the impression that I’m galloping forward!  When the truth is somewhat different.

Well it’s my blog and so I’m sticking to being honest!

The problem I have is that if I now say I’m feeling low (which I am right now) Stephen (LC)  will then no doubt tell me I’m looking for sympathy and the love generated from those who comment supporting me and egging me on!

See my dilemma!!!

Because I’M NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY!  I JUST HAPPEN TO BE FEELING FU**ING LOW.

I have been for a while. And I know it’s mostly because my goals aren’t good or great enough (probably).  But I also miss the cheating BAS*ARD!

Before he had his total meltdown and changed into someone I didn’t recognise  and ‘ran’ – he used to make me laugh and he was fun to be with (well most of the time! – More honesty here!!).  And I miss being hugged and I miss the companionship and I miss the sex and I miss lots of things.  I miss being married.  I don’t do being on my own very well!

And I know this just sounds as if I’m feeling sorry for myself!  Well maybe I am. And I also know that allowing myself to  think these things is not getting me anywhere and I know I’m doing it to myself!

The trouble with all this Life Coaching is it gives you too many of the answers – which  – sometimes  – can be just plain irritating!  Because sometimes you don’t want answers on how to make yourself feel better!  Well you do actually and that’s what’s irritating!!  I feel as if I’ve ended up knowing too much!!!   There’s no allowance for wallowing!

I’m behaving just as badly as the staff at work with their strops and sulks over the office move!  And just like them, focusing on the negatives is giving me more negatives!  I’m now cross with myself!  (OK figure of 8 stuff again!).

They’ll be no need for Stephen to comment – I’m writing all his replies for him!!

Maybe I’m just over tired!  Too much work!

Gremlin Attack…

I’ve decided to call my ‘crashes’ gremlin attacks, as that’s what it feels like.

Overwhelmed by some sort of alien invasion which consumes my mind. When it feels that fighting is useless because the ‘real me’ isn’t going to win.

OK so yesterday I got ‘attacked’!!   The invasion was swift,  from ‘all sides’ and ruthless.  And of course I was responsible.  I must have been – no-one else  was around!  What I did to trigger the attack I have no idea.  But looking at my Values list this morning I have to say I failed to give myself any of them.  So that was a good start!!

The first invaders set up their attack sometime during yesterday afternoon when I was out at a pub with friends!  I set up a retreat from the gathering which I then executed with my usual dexterity!  (I think it’s because one of the group is someone who I really don’t like – poor chap – so the thought of an evening in his company was just too much to take!).

I got home to find no power.  Cheeringly one of my neighbours, also without power, was doing nothing to get anyone to rectify the situation.  He said he felt “powerless” – correct we all were ‘powerless’ – but a phone call (by me) got someone into action mode!!

I’ve no idea when the power was restored – I went to bed when it got dark.  My mood collapsed along with the light and I was in a really dark, weepy place before I finally fell asleep.  I shall spare you the details of where I ‘went to’ as I’m sure it doesn’t take a great deal for you to work out!!!

Not much better first thing this morning.  But I’m rallying, dear reader, I’m rallying.  The fight is back on.

My ‘alter ego’ has just had an email read out on her favourite Sunday morning show (11-1 on BBC Radio 2) – so I’m pulling myself out of the mire!

It is a pain though.  And so totally Stupid.

My Values List is right in front of me and I’m focusing on them with everything I can give.

And my apologies for the negative – but that’s the way it is today.

Painting with Light

Painting with Light

It’s good and fun to learn something new.  I feel I should make this a daily goal.  Apart from anything else is gives me a sort of mini-challenge and it’s good to focus on something.

This week I learnt new stuff at my French class on Monday (and much to my horror I’ve agreed to do written homework from now on – I must be mad!  I never do my homework!  It’s easy to ‘wing it’ when it’s reading something – a bit harder when I have to produce written evidence!!).

And last night I had a really fun evening learning new techniques with my camera – along with lots of others from the camera club.

I think the drivers thought we were doing a traffic census or something as there we all were at the crossroads with our cameras egging the cars on to go round the mini roundabout in the middle!!  Lots of concerned looks and people asking what we were up to!

(Clearly we were practising for Friday’s Royal Wedding.  Which is what I told some passers by!!)

All I need to do now is paint my life with a bit more light!!!

I still have a lot to learn!!!

I know don’t we all!!

I don’t really intend to turn this post into a lesson for life!

Apart from anything else – I don’t think I’m qualified!

It’s more to do with what I was taught last week – which in several cases hasn’t sunk in as well as I needed it to have done!

This applies to:

My French Conversation class!  – solution – do the homework!

My photography – solution – keep practising  – and yes there are only so many bluebell pictures one can take – and I may have reached saturation point!

Focusing on my future and using the technique I was taught last week to enable me to do so!   – solution – get him (the LC) to go over it all again.  Because try as I may I haven’t mastered it!  (OK I know trying doesn’t work – doing does).

I begin to wonder if I am just singularly inept or just stupid!!

I shall give up for today!!  The sun is shining fit to split the paving stones.  I’ve just had a wonderful morning visit from my favourite (and youngest) niece – who is a star in the making.  I shall listen to my favourite BBC Radio 2 broadcaster and forget my issues for the next 2 hours!

Today is the new start day!

Actually it’s good it’s 20th April.  As today can now become the day I stop focusing on a past which is as dead as the Dodo and focus on a future where I put all my efforts into creating a life which is fun and happy.  Where I am loved, sexy, amusing, outrageous and all the other things which make me  – me.

After all the one thing all of us should be is true to ourselves and be the person we are supposed to be – from inside. The person we are proud to be.

My Life Coach is right (!!)  hanging on to the past is not an option if I want to be the type of person who attracts others like bees round a honey pot.  And I do.

I don’t want a mediocre future.  I want a fantastic one.

So things I have to do, and do now:

• Create the type of future I want in my mind so I have some really strong positives to hold and focus on.
• To  change the flavour of this blog by killing stone dead any future references to Alex and the life we had.
• Enjoy The Journey (as my Dad was so fond of saying).

I can do this.  I have to.  It’s the only option which makes any sense – for all of us!!

So today is DAY ONE of the NewCaroline, NewOutlook, NewFuture