Health – daily challenge!

I’ve just signed up to:

What a brilliant site.  Inspirational.  It supplies a simple challenge each day to keep you focused on positive things to do in life every day.  This should be a Life Coach’s dream!

For someone like me, taking small steps towards a new future, goals are the issue.  These daily challenges are great fun, easily achievable and there’s a whole community ‘out there’ doing them every day.  At the moment I think you have to be a member of Facebook to join in.  But it’s free (as is Facebook). So come on everyone – go for it!!

I have a small community of friends I’m doing this with.  And having a mildly competitive streak in me means I make sure I do each day’s challenge come what may!!

What I do v. What I Should do

I know now – as a result of all I’ve learnt at Life Coaching – that I can be over-flexible when it comes to relationships.  I become the person I think others want me to be.

So – despite all the LC – I know I am still doing this to myself!

What I am doing:

  • Beating myself up searching for a reason as to why Alex felt life with me was intolerable!
  • Wondering what I did to cause all this
  • Searching for answers to what I could have done differently
  • Looking back
  • Reminding myself how low, lonely and unhappy I feel
  • Feeling I am letting people down (my friends, Stephen (the LC) and others) by doing this
  • Feeling I  should be less stuck and doing better

What I should be doing:

  • Being me
  • Sticking to my values
  • Not compromising
  • Going out more
  • “Letting Go” (how I HATE that phrase!)
  • Counting my blessings more
  • Acknowledging and accepting my marriage is over
  • Not looking back
  • Focusing on my future

So it would be a good idea if I did some of the things I should be doing and to stop doing what I am doing.

Bit of a bu**er really isn’t it!!

Hope this makes sense!!!

Another surreal feeling moment!

I keep wanting to ring Alex and say “Can we just not do this?!”  “Can we just have a different ending  to the one we are going for”

And I know I can’t do that! 

I’m not feeling miserable – just sad.  And I do hope this isn’t sounding like a whinge!!  Whingeing is not good!  And must not be tolerated!

To be miserable just now would be far too self-centered with all the horrendous problems there are at the moment in the world.  So now is a time to count my blessings and be thankful I am who I am.

I find I often feel like this on a Monday.  Weekends are still difficult.  After all at weekends couples can be couples rather than two individuals dealing with work and juggling all the things they have to during the week.  So it’s at weekends the loneliness creeps up behind me and before I know it I am engulfed.  Then I go back to work and feel like shouting “There should be more to life than just work!!”

So Focus is the key!!  Focus on improving my future!  I am reasonably good at focusing on short-term goals.  I am back in party mode and organsing what started out to be a “Small do” for my impending change-of-decade birthday in two weeks time!  The “Small do” has turned into a “do” for 23.  I am packing them all into my rather  small house. Well at least it will be cuddly!!

Actually perhaps I should just track Alex down and wring his neck!!  In a nice way if you know what I mean!


Sorry but this seems to be a new stage I’m going through!

I just “Can’t be asked” and part of me just can’t be bothered.

This is incredibly childish!   But I don’t appear to be able to shake it off.

I’ve felt like this for quite a while now (probably the last 2/3 weeks).  I muster the energy to say the right things to people and smile and behave the way to make them feel I’m doing OK and making progress and that I’m climbing from “Ground Level”  up to the top of my ‘mountain top’  but actually I’m not.

A large part of me  just finds it too much effort.  I really do feel I’ve reached a plateau.

I’ve been shown all the tools by my LC and I know right now ‘Massive Action’ is what I have to take.  I’ve been shown other tools on how to focus, on creating goals, on making choices, on living by my values.  I even understand that these are the things I need to live by; that this is the route I need to take.

But I am still convinced, to the core of my being, that this future  is the wrong future.  That for all his faults, and mine, that Alex and I were supposed to be together and could be amazingly happy together. That this ending is the wrong ending.

And yes, dear reader, I do know that I can do nothing about it.  Alex has to see there was/is another option to the one he has chosen.

And I also know that until he does that I have to get on with my life and do things so I don’t turn into a miserable, apathetic(!), pathetic divorcee who whinges around and doesn’t do anything.

So I will go on smiling.  I will go out.  I will go on telling everyone I’m fine.  And maybe one day I’ll believe it and it will be true.

It’s just – right now – it isn’t.

That’s all for now.  No sympathy.  It just is the way it is.

My figure of Eight

I have gone back into running my figure of eight which is not good – especially as I fall out of it at ‘coping’ rather than anywhere else.

So I’ve been asking myself Why? 

  • Maybe it’s all to do with the heap of anniversaries around now.  It’s today 2 years ago that Alex actually moved out.
  • Maybe it’s all my LC’s recent posts which are so constructive and useful and make me wish we had both followed this advice.  I feel I did my best.  Today’s Post  (the 3rd in his Master Skills series) really hit home.  The reason I couldn’t get angry with Alex for all the things he did is I knew he was in such pain.  I wanted to be there for him and to do what he needed me to do.  To be there come what may.  I hoped I was.  I thought I was.  I think that’s why I’ve found all this so tough and hard to take.  And I still can’t get really angry as I still believe he is unhappy and lost and in pain.

But I have to live my life.  I don’t want to settle for mediocre!  So I need a Goal, Idea – call it what you like to give me a boost!  And that – just now  – is the problem!!  I want to do something – I just don’t know what.

OK I’m keeping reasonably busy – taking photos – designing and sewing – playing the piano – fighting for the retention of the local Green belt – reading and blogging.  But I need a greater purpose.

And I need to understand all this Values business and how to put them in order!  I am getting there but I do lose sight of it all a lot of the time.

I thought I was in control of me!

I’d done so well today.  A bit of shopping.  A bit of pampering.  Even a short bike ride in the sun – OK only a mile – but I have to start somewhere and I certainly now realise how unfit I’ve become over this last year of no exercise!  I even found pumping up the tyres hard work – and as for cycling up a slight hill……  Well clearly a great deal more exercise is needed!!

Anyway just as I thought I had my emotions under control. That I was on the up. What happens but I get a card from Alex.  I was expecting a cheque but not the card.  And not the message:

“I wanted to write to say that I do want you to be happy and successful and I’m very sorry for all the distress I’ve caused – Love Alex”

My initial reaction was floods of tears!

So much for my “Alexometer” settling – as it has done over the last week or so – at the bottom of the scale.  Of course it shot back up to 8/9 !  Brilliant!

It doesn’t take a lot to make me wobble does it!

I need to keep busy.  Focused.  Forward looking.