An Olive branch – maybe

A while back some of you may remember I wrote about Reaction.  The sad moment when my close friend confirmed my suspicions that she was against me taking the path I am. As I’ve said before, she was against me going to Life Coaching to ‘get me out of my Chilean Mine’.  She was even very dismissive when it worked!!  In fact she appears to be against any form of help if it doesn’t centre round psychology (in which she is trained).  She did, without meaning to I’m sure, cause me quite a difficult time with a number of our mutual friends as she had clearly been encouraging them to side with her against what I was doing.  She also did this without finding out anything about what I was actually doing or who was coaching me!  I am sure she did it for the best of reasons from her point-of-view.  But also, maybe, from a position of uncertainty, insecurity and fear within her.  I can’t judge her motives.  None of us are in a position to judge others.

A few weeks ago she ‘had another go’ at me and got quite unkind. Dismissed my  friendly chat on reading matter and began justifying why she didn’t need to read!  And like all people when they know deep down that maybe they haven’t behaved as well as they might she then retreated and kept herself to herself!!

But life changes!!  She has recently been on an  8-day NLP course with her husband.  which, interestingly she found incredibly hard work(!). We chatted about it and about the various techniques and what extras I got on my 13 day one!!  She was friendly and tentatively, I think, waving an olive branch!  I suspect her husband has had a hand in her change of heart (he’s very sensible!).  I’m glad.  I don’t want to know what has caused the shift.  I just hope it lasts and whatever  was causing this huge amount of angst and fear has now been sorted out.  I’ve continued to be friendly.  I’ve  given back a good dose of love.  Friends are important!  She sounded relieved that I’ve been so friendly!!  Of course I am she’s stopped trying to Control me!!!

And as we all know, dear reader, Control seldom works!!

So next stop my 2 brothers!!!   Now that indeed will be something to see!!

BTW  I’m not holding my breath!!!

“Every woman wants to change her man”

“Every woman wants to change her man” – this has been said to me on far too many occasions over the last 2+ years – almost as though it was my fault he ran.

Actually I don’t want to change him.  I want Him to Want to Change Him.

I want him to find the person he wants to be.  I thought I’d married that man years ago.  Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.  I don’t know what drove him to bury the version of him I married, so deep he can no longer connect with that version of him he was in –  in relation to me.  Because that version of him was a lovely, kind human being.

I have not seen Alex for 4 months now.  What version of him he is now ‘running’ I don’t know.  All I know is the version of Alex I have been subjected to since January 2009 has not been the person I married.  He began the ‘burial’ back in September 2008 when he met the OW.  I see that now. Though I thought then it was because he’d turned 50, it wasn’t – maybe it was because he, probably, went into fear state and started to question his feelings, abilities and everything else about himself.  And having found himself wanting buried everything he could.  Including his feelings for me, our life, our marriage, our future.

So no I don’t want to change him.  He has to want to himself. Will he ever do so?  The answer remains with him.  Only he is in charge of him and how he is and what he does with his life.  He knows where and how he can get help to achieve what and who he claims he wants to be.  But maybe he doesn’t want it enough.  Maybe the pain of where he is isn’t great enough to see that change is the only option. Maybe going through the hurdles to get to the finishing post is too great a challenge.

I  hope for his sake, that one day, hopefully soon, he does see that, as I did.  It is worth it.  So I don’t wish him well for where he is now.  As by wishing him well now it’s wishing him a mediocre life – when he could have so much more.  He lost a great deal when he left me.  So for now I wish him pain as pain is there for a reason – it should be telling us to do something about healing ourselves.

In the meantime my life is my life.  I am in charge of me.  And I am changing me so I will get the life I want, need and deserve. Which will be better than the one I have right now.  Step by step I am getting there!  Despite the wobbles and crashes!!  Life is getting so much better.  I have stupendous friends and am making more.

My stadium campaigner friends are all new and I really like them.  They tease me  – mercilessly – which is brilliant!  I make them laugh  – which is fantastic.  I am returning to being me!

A moment of reflection

My moment of reflection of the last two years (well almost 2 years).

The tough times:

  • When Alex told me he didn’t think our marriage had a future.
  • When Alex left – ostensibly on a temporary basis to ‘sort himself out’.
  • When Alex committed adultery.
  • Just over a year ago, when my father said he wanted to die but felt he had to keep going to support me during the tough time I was going through.  I sat beside him and held his hand and said:  “It’s OK Dad, I will be OK,  you have my permission to die”.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say in my life.  But the relief on his face after I’d said it showed and I knew I’d done the right thing and that he had needed to hear it to stop hanging on for me.  He died 3 weeks later.  At peace with the world and himself – 7 weeks after his 100th birthday.
  • Dealing with divorce.
  • Admitting  to the things in my past that have made me who I am.
  • Living through all this.

The Good bits:

  • My father’s 100th birthday bash. With its specially laid-on aerobatic display and Spitfire flypast and finding the steamroller he  had owned and getting it to the do in full steam!
  • Going to India on the Tiger watching holiday.
  • Finding I had friends I didn’t know I had and how totally wonderful people can be.  How loved I’ve felt.
  • Throwing my thank you party a month ago.
  • Life Coaching.
  • Learning about myself (even the tough bits).
  • Writing this blog and finding that people actually read it!
  • The great comments I receive here and the support I’ve had from all my cyber supporters!
  • The fact I’m still here!!!

Thank you:

  • To my readers for reading this blog.
  • To those who have commented –  for commenting, making me laugh and giggle and just egging me on!  You have no idea how much it  helps to know you are all out there.
  • To my life coach – if he reads this – for encouraging me to dig deeper than I’ve ever dug in my life so I have found things about myself I didn’t know where there.  (And yes I know I still have a quite a way to go and some fairly tough things to deal with!)

So we ended up talking! Again!!

I ended up bursting into tears. I so didn’t mean to.  But I just couldn’t help myself.

And maybe it was a good thing as we ended up really talking.  OK I know we did that the other day so nothing new.  And maybe it is wishful thinking on my part, but it did seem more adult this time!

We are such friends.

This is SO stupid.  We laughed.  We chatted and – I stuck to my values.  I don’t know if he stuck to his as I don’t know what his are.  I don’t know if he knows what his are.  Not when applied to a relationship.  But he didn’t go off into child mode – at least not that I noticed.

He’s now gone for the evening, and will be back at 10.00 tomorrow.