The future of our futures

LFBA has just written a post on the Future of our Past and it got me thinking.

We can’t rekindle the past. We may mourn the loss of what we had and what we were envisaging it would give us going forward but we have our memories – the good and the not-so-good, the amazing shared times and all the others in-between –  and no one can take those away.

Drawing a line and looking forward and never back is difficult, in fact tougher than anything I personally have ever faced in my life to-date.

My internal dialogue can trip me up when I least expect it or want it to and I can find myself running off down yet another dead-end lane of sadness, distress and confusion.

But creating a brighter future with the future I now face is better than sticking to the thoughts of what might have been….. if only…………………

I know I still sabotage myself more frequently than I would wish!  Ideally I wouldn’t do this at all! But I recognise I do.  So much so that I’ve booked another session with Stephen!  I now know, because I’ve learnt, what I need to do.  I even have a strong clue on how to do it.  I just need a coach to watch over me and guide me whilst I do!  To push me on when I may baulk at the process.

And I’m going to do this as I  know, emphatically,  I don’t want to be looking at me ‘n’ years down the road and wishing I hadn’t wasted those precious years of my life in a hopeless circle of the  “what could have beens”.

So next Saturday I’m going to have a fun 2 hours giving myself another nudge forward!  And anyway I also want to discuss coaching techniques with him. The learning process never ends – which is what’s such fun!

Good goal, good goal!!

A challenging post!

I’ve written before how finding a good goal was tough. I don’t think I’m alone in this quest. I think that many people who have been rejected find this part of the road to recovery difficult to grasp.

So this is my take on it.

A Good Goal:

A good goal focuses on the future. It puts you in charge of you and the entire process. It should make you buzz! It should and must give you happiness. After all ultimately that’s what we all want I imagine.

It could also include a sense of achievement! Overcoming the odds. Proving something to yourself. So a good goal has to be one where the only other people who have any input into it are those who have to supply a resource.

Taking my goal: To become a Life Coach. This ticks all the boxes as I am doing all the work!:

  • Studying – no one else can do this for me
  • Finding courses and going on them – ditto
  • Getting qualified where required – ditto again
  • Finding clients. This has to be down to me! I have to advertise, I may end up getting clients sent to me from other sources but I cannot be reliant on this. And if I do then that’s the ‘cherry on the cake’
  • Getting insurance sorted out. I may pay a broker to arrange but it’s down to me to enquire and get quotes
  • Finding premises to work from. Again down to me to hunt for somewhere.
  • Organising my finances!
  • Organising my life so I have time to coach
  • Finally doing something I totally believe in regardless of what some of my friends may think or say. I believe in this to the core of my being. I know I will be happy doing it. I will get an immense sense of achievement. And as a result I’ll be a fun person who people will want to meet. I won’t be or feel needy!!

A not-so-good Goal

A goal which relies on someone else providing the answers, support, emotional accolades etc.

So using my goal above and putting a different slant on it!

  • Relying on someone else to tell me which courses to go on.
  • Relying on someone else to tell me which books to read
  • Relying on someone else finding me all my clients, organising where I practice from, sorting out my insurances and basically taking over! It might make my life a great deal easier but it can’t be part of the goal.
  • Expecting someone else to tell me how good I am!! Nice I grant you. But, again, it can’t be part of the goal!

Yes the goal may be achieved but I’ve lost ownership of it and I won’t get the same sense of achievement when I succeed!  And succeed I will!!

So a good goal is one that makes you feel beautiful inside, happy and content and excited with who you are. Something that gives you faith in yourself. It can be scary – but that’s no bad thing. The emotional solution has to come from within. And if that seems impossible right now then perhaps that’s the goal you need right now: To find the you inside. Not a bad starting point.

If your goal to happiness is reliant on another human being supplying you with emotional support, gratification or needs then I believe the goal could well fail because you are reliant on the other person not failing you. Anyway the goal ceases to be yours. It becomes theirs – and why should they be responsible for your goal they’ve got theirs to be achieved so don’t really need the burden of achieving yours too!

Unless of course you pay them – and that becomes a whole different ball game!!!!

Let’s look at things differently!

Yesterday evening was busy!  I had French to go to and due to various things scuppering my departure from work I shot through the door of my cottage somewhat late, keen to get something to eat, check my mediocre attempt at my homework and appear bright-eyed and attentive at my tutor’s door.

Not to be!!  First I had a neighbour ring up to find out about the current status of the landlord and the other half of the warring couple.  I find it fascinating how people just see others’ actions so superficially.  They don’t think any deeper as to why a certain behaviour is manifesting itself.  In the case of the wife she does yell a great deal.  This was really bugging my neighbour.  However when I pointed out that she probably learnt this behaviour from her parents, who are notorious for shouting, not listening to others’ points of view and generally known for being difficult, he did concede I could well have a point and perhaps a more generous view to her predicament would be kinder.

No sooner had I dealt with that, than said landlord appeared at my door!  Clearly now free from incarceration at Her Majesty’s Pleasure!  So  I then had to listen to the outpourings of his experience! However I stopped him in his tracks as he  embarked on a monologue of all the past problems, by suggesting he looked at things differently, put the experience behind him and started planning his future with an eye on working out what he really wanted to do with his life rather than sticking with more of the same, which he conceded wasn’t making him exactly happy! 

He started to cheer up!! 

Perhaps I am going to be good at this life coaching business.  I seemed to brighten two people’s evenings – and I did make it to French class – just – though the homework remained decidedly mediocre!!

Now all I need is someone to brighten mine!!  No I don’t!  I’m in charge of my bright future!  It isn’t the responsibility of anyone but me.  And my new partner, when he appears, will fall in love with me because he wants to join in!!

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Telephone Calls, Turkey and TV

I hope you had a lovely day yesterday, dear reader!  I did.  I had a lie in.  I studied (I think it’s becoming an obsession!)  and then I went to friends for a late lunch, played with their 7 month old granddaughter. The day drifted happily into an afternoon of playing games and watching strange programmes on TV – those ones especially reserved for Christmas day viewing!!

And I didn’t bolt!!

So this year was better than last, which was better than the one before!  Small steps!

A great friend of mine  who became world champion glider pilot many years ago, said the art of winning was not to look back.  Not wishing you’d taken that extra thermal or extra 100 feet or so to gain that little bit more height.  Because as he so succinctly put it:

The situation you’re in is the situation you’re in.

And the only way to keep airborne is to deal with the situation you’re in there and then, and not waste one moment of brain power or energy wishing you’d done something different before.  Use the knowledge you have and the knowledge you’ve just gained as a positive, and with that new found knowledge and your ability,  concentrate on dealing with your NOW, to keep in the air and keep moving forward and this time in the next thermal climb a few more 100 feet  so you can improve your chances of winning.

So dear reader may you pull on the resources and brilliant ability within you to fly your own particular course and win your personal competition.

Moving towards rather than away from

As you know, dear reader, I’m deep in the reading phase of my goal!  Also, for various reasons which I won’t go into I’ve been analysing why my goal is giving me such a buzz.

Why did I wake up one morning and with a conviction bordering on an ‘epiphany’ moment declare to myself “I want to be a Life Coach!”.  And what’s held me to that conviction ever since.

I believe the whole issue does revolve round goals and their function in life.  Finding a goal that would engage me to this extent was something I didn’t believe was possible.  I spent weeks and weeks wandering around muttering to myself in complete turmoil on Why Couldn’t I find a Goal!  One that would inspire.

I now realise I was looking for the wrong type of goal or solution.  I was looking for goals that would move me away from my hurt and angst.  I was looking for a goal which would solve the past.  What I got was a goal which is moving me towards something very positive and totally new – which is going to give me a new future.  The hurt is still there but the goal is giving me something else to focus on.

I did have a goal to put on weight. But the more weight I put on the less motivated I became to eat as there wasn’t a clear end point and also I was moving away from being too thin – to what?  Very easily I can stop eating and so lose weight again – which doesn’t suit me, makes me look years older and is bad for my health (it’s OK I’m not anorexic – I’ve only done the non eating thing since my marriage collapsed! And I am now 20lbs heavier than this time last year!).

Yes, I also want to remove the pain and hurt and I still want to find a new partner who will love and cherish and care for me.  But is that a good goal for giving me the great future I want.  It is a good goal. But it is a goal which is focused on moving away from my current hurt. A  hurt which is still there and though getting dimmer can  suddenly be triggered into sharp 3D, multi-coloured, focus by an incident.  Yesterday the delivery of my remaining belongings from Store caused a whole lot of flashbacks which were more than somewhat alarming.  Especially unpacking all the photos!  But the flashbacks didn’t last like they used to.  I was too keen to return to my studying and all the books which now litter my bed each evening as I curl up to read. 

My goal is focusing me on other things.  And for me, for now, that appears to be what some part of my brain has decided I need to do – and it’s not letting go! 

So to my astonishment I have to say finding someone new is now a secondary goal!  Giving myself a challenge and an extra purpose in life is now my primary goal.  And I never thought I’d say that!!

My vision of my future

OK so I’ve just been re-reading Stephen  (Life Coach)’s comments on my Limbo Land post and his suggestion that I share with you all my vision of my future and what that will be like.

So here goes:

My future will be filled with love and passion with someone who will truly love me and stand beside me, care for me and be there for me.  Protect me in a manly way.  Love me for who I am.  Not demean me or want to turn me into someone I’m not.  Will encourage me to be bold and feminine,  and will understand my need for Love, Growth, Security and Significance!

My future will be fun with lots of laughter where I can be outrageous when I want to be!

My future will involve lots of travel to out-of-the-way places where I can stand with ‘my man’ beside me and watch the sun come up over the horizon.

My future will be caring and giving.  In my future I will listen and be listened to.  I will be wise.  I will be girlie and feminine. I will be vulnerable but I will protect.  I will have the wisdom to say what I think without alienating the listener.

I will be fit and healthy.  I will not return to being afraid.  I won’t change me into what I think others want me to be (something I’ve been brilliant at before).

I will be a better photographer than I am now.  I will be better at playing the piano and speaking french!

These are the things I truly want.

But I imagine that’s what most people want (leaving out the photography, piano and french)!  So what makes me unique. What makes my vision different from everyone else’s.  Perhaps that’s the point.  Mine isn’t any different from all the rest.

So what are my goals?

Well my GOAL has always been to be happy.  And wow would I be if I got the future I want and desire!

So clearly I now need to set myself goals to achieve my GOAL.

Well short of standing in the middle of my local town with a “Free Hugs” sign above my head (which by the way I think is a brilliant exercise  – and one I’d be happy to participate in with others!) I feel at a bit of a loss on what my goals should be!

After all I’m studying French, I’m playing the piano, going to photography group, I’m on 3 internet dating sites……….

So clearly I need help in setting more goals, or different goals.

I want to grab my future!  I want to grab it now!  And I know I’ll get it (in the purest sense of the word!).  But I still feel I’m missing a trick somewhere.