Seasonal Festivities are almost on us!

I see that despite not posting anything for about 6 months I still have a  follower list!

Well just to let you know I’m still around!   Work keeps me busy and I have been doing some coaching – which I find incredibly fulfilling and I appear to be able to make a difference to those I coach – and a positive difference at that, which is great.

Do I still get low days?   Of course I do – I’m human!

But Goals are the answer.  Even if it’s writing the Christmas cards or sorting out ‘stuff’.  I’ve moved and am now in my own little house – which I own – so having all my belongings back from storage has meant a great deal of sorting out ‘stuff’!

And I did finally do the ‘shopping challenge’ set me by Stephen all that time ago!   (I had to go in to a shop and ask for something they didn’t sell!  – eg  A bunch of flowers in a phone shop). And I didn’t giggle!!

The effect of having achieved this was interesting.  Relief – that I’d finally found the courage to do it –  and a feeling of achievement that I could actually do it without giving myself away.   Also realising that it didn’t matter what the shop owner thought of me – possibly that I was insane – I couldn’t care – I know I’m sane and that’s all that matters!

I’ve had a few dates which have been interesting but not long lasting!

My goals for 2013 are to get more clients to coach and also to improve my social life

Caroline

 

Doing nothing is still an action!

I think that’s a lot of the problem.  Being stuck and not knowing what to do, which way to ‘go’ or what action to take is still an action. A very passive action.  It is the action of hoping things will change. That some solution will appear and solve ‘everything’ for you – whatever ‘everything’ is.

But is such a strategy successful?

Strategies always achieve something – but do all our strategies actually give us what we want?

Taken to it’s logical conclusion a decision strategy to do nothing is going to give us nothing.

So a good strategy is to decide on what outcome you want and then build a strategy which gives you that outcome.

You need to base the outcome on something realistic.  No point in deciding on an outcome which is contingent on some other person behaving in a way you want them to – they might not. They might desire a different outcome.  They might be in turmoil too!  So then that’s both of you plodding about in the mud!

The outcome has to give something to you, for you and for those who maybe rely on you.

Yes there may be some issues with the outcome which others may not totally like. But the important thing is surely to ensure that by designing your outcome you live by your values and the rules you apply to those values.

It can take courage to choose an outcome. But what is the reverse?

Doing nothing!  Does doing nothing meet all your values as a human being?  Does doing nothing give you the life you want and which should be yours – not in a selfish way but in a giving and loving way?  Will doing nothing solve the problem?

So if you want life to be better than it is today.  Then having a strategy and acting upon it is really the only route out!

Doing nothing is highly likely just to give you more of the same – or worse!!  Doing nothing could be having a very deterimental long-term effect on others who maybe are relying on you.

And putting yourself back in charge of you will help you build a better you.

So that’s how I see it!

What do you think?  Do feel free to comment – you know I love discussions!!

BTW If you need help then see a good life coach!  And soon that will be me!!!

Good goal, good goal!!

A challenging post!

I’ve written before how finding a good goal was tough. I don’t think I’m alone in this quest. I think that many people who have been rejected find this part of the road to recovery difficult to grasp.

So this is my take on it.

A Good Goal:

A good goal focuses on the future. It puts you in charge of you and the entire process. It should make you buzz! It should and must give you happiness. After all ultimately that’s what we all want I imagine.

It could also include a sense of achievement! Overcoming the odds. Proving something to yourself. So a good goal has to be one where the only other people who have any input into it are those who have to supply a resource.

Taking my goal: To become a Life Coach. This ticks all the boxes as I am doing all the work!:

  • Studying – no one else can do this for me
  • Finding courses and going on them – ditto
  • Getting qualified where required – ditto again
  • Finding clients. This has to be down to me! I have to advertise, I may end up getting clients sent to me from other sources but I cannot be reliant on this. And if I do then that’s the ‘cherry on the cake’
  • Getting insurance sorted out. I may pay a broker to arrange but it’s down to me to enquire and get quotes
  • Finding premises to work from. Again down to me to hunt for somewhere.
  • Organising my finances!
  • Organising my life so I have time to coach
  • Finally doing something I totally believe in regardless of what some of my friends may think or say. I believe in this to the core of my being. I know I will be happy doing it. I will get an immense sense of achievement. And as a result I’ll be a fun person who people will want to meet. I won’t be or feel needy!!

A not-so-good Goal

A goal which relies on someone else providing the answers, support, emotional accolades etc.

So using my goal above and putting a different slant on it!

  • Relying on someone else to tell me which courses to go on.
  • Relying on someone else to tell me which books to read
  • Relying on someone else finding me all my clients, organising where I practice from, sorting out my insurances and basically taking over! It might make my life a great deal easier but it can’t be part of the goal.
  • Expecting someone else to tell me how good I am!! Nice I grant you. But, again, it can’t be part of the goal!

Yes the goal may be achieved but I’ve lost ownership of it and I won’t get the same sense of achievement when I succeed!  And succeed I will!!

So a good goal is one that makes you feel beautiful inside, happy and content and excited with who you are. Something that gives you faith in yourself. It can be scary – but that’s no bad thing. The emotional solution has to come from within. And if that seems impossible right now then perhaps that’s the goal you need right now: To find the you inside. Not a bad starting point.

If your goal to happiness is reliant on another human being supplying you with emotional support, gratification or needs then I believe the goal could well fail because you are reliant on the other person not failing you. Anyway the goal ceases to be yours. It becomes theirs – and why should they be responsible for your goal they’ve got theirs to be achieved so don’t really need the burden of achieving yours too!

Unless of course you pay them – and that becomes a whole different ball game!!!!

Let’s look at things differently!

Yesterday evening was busy!  I had French to go to and due to various things scuppering my departure from work I shot through the door of my cottage somewhat late, keen to get something to eat, check my mediocre attempt at my homework and appear bright-eyed and attentive at my tutor’s door.

Not to be!!  First I had a neighbour ring up to find out about the current status of the landlord and the other half of the warring couple.  I find it fascinating how people just see others’ actions so superficially.  They don’t think any deeper as to why a certain behaviour is manifesting itself.  In the case of the wife she does yell a great deal.  This was really bugging my neighbour.  However when I pointed out that she probably learnt this behaviour from her parents, who are notorious for shouting, not listening to others’ points of view and generally known for being difficult, he did concede I could well have a point and perhaps a more generous view to her predicament would be kinder.

No sooner had I dealt with that, than said landlord appeared at my door!  Clearly now free from incarceration at Her Majesty’s Pleasure!  So  I then had to listen to the outpourings of his experience! However I stopped him in his tracks as he  embarked on a monologue of all the past problems, by suggesting he looked at things differently, put the experience behind him and started planning his future with an eye on working out what he really wanted to do with his life rather than sticking with more of the same, which he conceded wasn’t making him exactly happy! 

He started to cheer up!! 

Perhaps I am going to be good at this life coaching business.  I seemed to brighten two people’s evenings – and I did make it to French class – just – though the homework remained decidedly mediocre!!

Now all I need is someone to brighten mine!!  No I don’t!  I’m in charge of my bright future!  It isn’t the responsibility of anyone but me.  And my new partner, when he appears, will fall in love with me because he wants to join in!!

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Moving towards rather than away from

As you know, dear reader, I’m deep in the reading phase of my goal!  Also, for various reasons which I won’t go into I’ve been analysing why my goal is giving me such a buzz.

Why did I wake up one morning and with a conviction bordering on an ‘epiphany’ moment declare to myself “I want to be a Life Coach!”.  And what’s held me to that conviction ever since.

I believe the whole issue does revolve round goals and their function in life.  Finding a goal that would engage me to this extent was something I didn’t believe was possible.  I spent weeks and weeks wandering around muttering to myself in complete turmoil on Why Couldn’t I find a Goal!  One that would inspire.

I now realise I was looking for the wrong type of goal or solution.  I was looking for goals that would move me away from my hurt and angst.  I was looking for a goal which would solve the past.  What I got was a goal which is moving me towards something very positive and totally new – which is going to give me a new future.  The hurt is still there but the goal is giving me something else to focus on.

I did have a goal to put on weight. But the more weight I put on the less motivated I became to eat as there wasn’t a clear end point and also I was moving away from being too thin – to what?  Very easily I can stop eating and so lose weight again – which doesn’t suit me, makes me look years older and is bad for my health (it’s OK I’m not anorexic – I’ve only done the non eating thing since my marriage collapsed! And I am now 20lbs heavier than this time last year!).

Yes, I also want to remove the pain and hurt and I still want to find a new partner who will love and cherish and care for me.  But is that a good goal for giving me the great future I want.  It is a good goal. But it is a goal which is focused on moving away from my current hurt. A  hurt which is still there and though getting dimmer can  suddenly be triggered into sharp 3D, multi-coloured, focus by an incident.  Yesterday the delivery of my remaining belongings from Store caused a whole lot of flashbacks which were more than somewhat alarming.  Especially unpacking all the photos!  But the flashbacks didn’t last like they used to.  I was too keen to return to my studying and all the books which now litter my bed each evening as I curl up to read. 

My goal is focusing me on other things.  And for me, for now, that appears to be what some part of my brain has decided I need to do – and it’s not letting go! 

So to my astonishment I have to say finding someone new is now a secondary goal!  Giving myself a challenge and an extra purpose in life is now my primary goal.  And I never thought I’d say that!!

Time….. for what

Yesterday I had a somewhat hectic day.  Not assisted by the fact that I couldn’t be bothered to get up at normal ‘getting up time’.  I wandered about in a “I deserve not to do anything” frame of mind which then suddenly catapulted me into over activity as it  dawned on me at 10.00 am that I had friends turning up for coffee at 1100 before which I needed to make a dash to the local town for more fishnet tights, get food and run the friendly gauntlet of the village High Street (which would – and did –  want to comment either on what on earth had come over my brother or what’s happening with the waring factions of my butcher landlady and her husband).

The 1100 coffee with Alex’s best friend and wife was a welcome relief for a couple of hours.  Alex hasn’t contacted them for over a year. Which, of course, gave me a chance to elaborate on what is still a rather popular topic of conversation for me and his friends.  I am getting less emotional about it now though!

I then dashed off to a wedding.  Left it at 5.45 before the food had been served but with a platter of sandwiches to keep me going!  Then on to the stage at 8.00 to inflict another performance on the unsuspecting locals!!  I got to bed at 1.30am

The point of all this is that at no point yesterday did I have a nano-second of time to actually brood or be bored or wonder how I was feeling!

Clearly though I can’t run my life at this pace!  I need to be able to have me time – peaceful time – where I am content with my own company and don’t spend it stamping over the past, over analyzing, wishing, wanting…. and all the other crap I have to fight against on a constant effort of concentration against feeling sorry for myself!

So – as Stephen’s (LC)  words haunt me!  I need GOALS!

G O A L S  – I’ve been wittering on about this for ages!  My posts are littered with the concept (sorry for all the repetition!). The word looms large in my mind.  This strong feeling that I need to do something about them! I seem to dream the damn word. It niggles at the back of my mind.  Falls into every day conversation either at work or with friends.  It’s a great word!  It just won’t leave me alone!!  My ability to write about the concept – far too frequently – is great.

I rather think I need to DO!