Did I jump?

Good question. 

No not yet!  But I’m preparing my launching pad so I can!  I can be rather impetuous!  Once I’ve made my mind up to do something I can zoom off at high speed.  I very nearly did last week.  Sensibly my financial advisor put some brakes on! 

Firstly I need to meet the 1st basic Human Need  – Certainty.  This got rather derailed last week as my living arrangement has become rather precarious.  I need to get this sorted out so at least I have a base which is mine and I can rely on. 

To plunge off into giving myself any more uncertainty than I have just now would not be a good move!  That being said I have some ideas for a business venture!!  I just need someone who is interested to go into it with me.  It could fulfil two other needs at once – Uncertainty and Contribution.  Actually it would also meet Significance and Growth too!  Wow!!

So I’m on the hunt for a business partner who can see the potential of my idea as well.

It needs some careful planning, but I think it might have possibilities!!

More I’m not saying…………..  for now!!

Desired Outcomes

This came into my mind as I was driving to work this morning on my 70 mile commute!

In every conversation, email exchange, whatever we have an implicit Desired Outcome!  Mostly the outcome is not something we give much thought about.  After all asking a loved one what they’d like for dinner, or to go out shopping is a discussion where the person will either say Yes or No or a suggestion and the Desired Outcome is not going to have a huge emotional reaction or impact.

But when there is tension or a deeply important issue to be discussed then I think it’s worth thinking through what one’s Desired Outcome is before embarking on the process!

When my brother, H, suddenly announced that he felt that the 3 of us sharing my rental costs was no longer ‘fair’ his Desired Outcome was for me to agree.  When I didn’t he continued to stick to his Desired Outcome through thick and thin. So he bullied and pushed and pushed, dragging in my other brother for support.  Not for one moment throughout the exchange of numerous emails did he once consider or suggest a compromise.  I did but got no response.  So in the end I bowed out, giving him his Desired Outcome!

But has he really got the right Desired Outcome?  He has achieved his need for Control (by bullying).  But has he met his basic Human Needs at the highest level possible?

  1. Certainty
    Well he’s got Certainty – but perhaps at a rather low level as he’s achieved it by Control
  2. Uncertainty/Variety
    Not really.  There’s no variety in this unless he considers he has varied our Legal Agreement by his controlling tactics
  3. Love/Connection
    There was no love in any of this.  In fact an underlying theme throughout his emails was unless you do as I want I won’t give you love.  So it appears his love is conditional on me falling in with his Desired Outcome and control.  My other brother waded in with statements on Charity and Cordiality so not much love there either!
  4. Significance
    Well they both got Significance in that they can pat themselves on the back for making me agree.  But surely that’s Significance via Control and so achieved at rather a low level.
  5. Growth
    Did either of them experience Growth in this exchange, as in Growth within themselves.  Maybe they do feel good about themselves.  I can’t answer for them.  In fact as far as I can see the only person who experienced real Growth in this exchange was me as I put Love above the Agreement and bowed out because Love is my top Value and Need
  6. Contribution
    Have either of them contributed to enhancing our feelings for each other??  Or, more to the point My feelings for Them!

So what have I learnt and gained?  From my point of view all I now know is that for both of them their Love is, at the moment, conditional on me falling in with them, their points of view and their wishes. Actually this has been quite liberating as I now know their ground rules.  For years I’ve sought H’s approval!  Now I don’t have to because I now know his approval is totally reliant on playing by his rules without any consideration for anyone else!.  Unless he achieves exactly what he wants then he withdraws love. 

So they have their Desired Outcome – in that I have bowed to their demands which saves them each a maximum of £4k over the next year but, and it’s a big BUT, at what cost?

We all agreed just after Dad died that we needed to remain friends and keep affection and love as a focus!  For now they appear to have both lost sight of that.  They have won their Desired Outcome but the cost could be greater than they realise.  I will continue to love them both but I don’t have much desire to seek either of them out and spend a huge amount of time in their presence.  Why would I want to subject myself to such a lack of Respect and Love for me.  Also they’ve broken my Trust.  I trusted them to stick to our Agreement which we all signed in good faith.  They then both demanded that we broke that Agreement.  So how on earth can I trust them?

So, dear reader, my point is before running headlong for what one can think is a Desired Outcome stop and work out what the implications and side-effects of achieving it will bring. And if the Outcome isn’t driven primarily by Love then maybe, just maybe it’s worth tweaking it or opting for something different!

It’s just a thought!  What do you think?

Growth with a capital G

Growth – currently my second most important Value. After Love!  Though whether this is the right way round or not I still ponder over!!

Anyway when your Values are in order and you’re living by them then Growth happens.  Or it should do, I think!  Personal Growth.  Spiritual Growth (and by that I don’t mean Religious – well for me it doesn’t).   It means Growth within oneself!

Humans need Growth I believe or life becomes stale.  I believe Relationships need to Grow to remain passionate – which I presume is what those in relationships want!  And those of us not in relationships quite fancy!

I nearly missed out on Growth this week!  In fact if I’m brutally honest (which I usually am here) I probably wasn’t the best I could have been with my “hanging on to Significance, Cordiality and Fairness” brothers!  But at the 11th hour – thanks to some Strategic Intervention – I rescued Growth and it’s given me a little buzz and tingle in my tummy!!  (OK  that sounds as though I’ve finally flipped – but that’s where the feeling is!! – and no raised eyebrow suggestions please!!!)

Sometimes to experience Growth perhaps one needs to do something which initially feels totally alien. Which I might add it did!

But climbing out of the “communal playpen of cross 2 year olds” was quite empowering!  Slightly expensive!  But nonetheless empowering!

I would like a Certificate Of Life Achievement!

It’s all good news escaping the pit. The Chilean Mine.  It’s all great news when one stops stamping around the entrance to the Mine, peering down the shaft and being able (most of the time) to resist the lure of returning  –  even though it was quite comfortable down there.  It’s great news when you find yourself climbing the hill in front of you and seeing the summit in sight!  BUT!!  The higher you climb the more opportunity for slipping and sliding back down to the bottom!!

After all if you’re at the bottom there’s no place to go – it may be dark, grim and ghastly but at least it’s the bottom.

Where I am now is looking hopeful!  The view seems to be holding quite a few chances of feeling a great deal better. I am feeling a great deal better!   But there is the issue of being able to fall!  Which there wasn’t before.

And that’s the bit I still find tough!!  I may have stopped running  the “Why” and “What if” questions.   I still have the “How could you?” one!!  It creeps up on me and takes me by surprise – well that’s what it feels like!

Is that what growth is about?  Overcoming the uncertainties and finding we can be and do more than we ever thought we could?  One of my favourite readers – Back on my Own – has written today about finding her feet on dealing with day-to-day stuff.  She writes with such clarity and she is an inspiration.  She has found she can do these things without help.  She has achieved so much.

Some mornings I wake (this one appears to be one)  and wonder what I’ve found about me.  What new me is there?  What have I found about me which I didn’t know 19 years ago before I married?  What great amazing difference is there? What am I doing now which I couldn’t before?   I know there is something I just don’t know what!  I appear to want a label, a statement, a certificate of merit saying:

Caroline is hereby awarded The Certificate Of Life for Achieving…………………………    (fill in as appropriate).

It would be embossed and have a ‘gold seal’ at the bottom!!  I could hang it on the wall above my PC and glow with a sense of pride when I look at it!!!

The trouble is I don’t know what mine should be for.  I can’t grab the one that has been issued to ‘Back on My Own’ as for me that aspect of being on my own wasn’t a problem (dealing with builders, insurers, etc is what I do for a job) and anyway apart from anything else it’s hers!  And is justly and rightly awarded to her!!  Maybe I’m not due to get mine yet!  In which case I’d like to know what I should be aiming for to achieve it!!

Maybe when I do find the answer to mine  I won’t wobble so often, I won’t feel as though I could slide back down to the bottom and I’ll be able to kill off that irritating “How could You?” question.   Good grief!  Does this ever get easy?!!

(And the reason for the cola bottle? –  I’ve just noticed the acronym of Certificate Of Life Achievement spells COLA!!)