Why living by my values matters

My values matter because when I don’t live by them I spiral downhill. 

The fury abated in the end last night and  – with nothing better to do – I set off down the hurt route!!!   Blimey!   That was clever and so energising and enlivening I was exhausted by 9.00pm!!

I allowed myself to really ‘enjoy’ (more heavy sarcasm here) the evening.  I ‘ran’ my ‘figure of eight’ – several times last night, and again this morning.  At least this morning I chose the positive exit rather than the negative one I went down yesterday! 

So where do my Values come into all this. Well last night I didn’t live by them.  Let me explain.

My Default list is:

Growth – what I was doing last night was in no way growth orientated
Love – I didn’t love myself
Courage – I wimped out
Communication – I didn’t listen to either ‘my best friend me’ or ‘my coach me’
Intelligence – What I did last night could in no way be described as intelligent!
Trust – I failed to trust me
Respect – I showed no respect to me and what I’ve achieved so far
Strength – Hardly!
Security – OK I felt secure in my bad place
Adventure – need I say more
Significance – yes I gave myself significance but in a ‘sorry for me’ way not in a postive way.
Making a difference – No I wasn’t doing that at all.  In fact the opposite
Happiness – I failed spectacularly to be happy or to give myself Permission to be Happy.

So, dear reader, I hope this helps to explain why living by your values is so important. Because when you do the opposite life is grim!

Finally I think I’m beginning to Get It!  (*Can almost hear Stephen breathing sigh of relief!!!*)

The Happiness Index

Apparently our Government has decided to find out what makes us happy.  Personally I feel they should be spending their time on better and more important things!!

But hey – I suppose it’s the latest wheeze!

So what makes me happy?  As one who has just spent the last 10 months having “To be Happy”  as her goal I should, I suppose, have a few pointers!!

Well I’ve thought about this on my drive to work this morning.  I am sure lots of people will be listing specific ideas and concepts which ‘make them happy’!  But I don’t believe they will truly come up with a definitive answer.

I could say that my marriage made me happy. It did – Very! But that is shifting the responsibility onto someone else.  I now believe that the responsibility belongs within.

For me Happiness is what I give myself when I meet my top 10 values 100% of the time.

It’s for me to choose and me to give to myself.  And more and more often these days I’ve found I’m finally able to choose.  I’m finally able to stop myself going backwards to the edge of my Chilean Mine. 

Perhaps – at last – I’m beginning to ‘get it’!!!   To understand all the Life Coaching I’ve been taught!!  To understand why Values are important and how the Rules I apply to those Values matter so much.

I still have an inkling that I need to understand more.  I need to re-affirm what I’ve learned to be sure I’ve not missed anything. 

I need to improve my Goals and ensure I make strides towards them!

School Report!

I’ve just noticed I’ve been blogging all this for a year now.

So how would my ‘school report’ read!

A difficult one this.   As I have clearly moved up a grade since this time last year.

But I don’t think I would be awarded an ‘A’ in all subjects!  Far from it!

Anyway this is how I see it!!:

Physical Health:
Caroline has now – at long last – returned to a healthy regime of exercise and eating after several months of trauma and injury.

Emotional Health:
At the beginning of the year Caroline really committed herself to improving her emotional health.  She impressed herself with the steps she took.  She sought help and made the most of that help.  Though she did rather avoid doing her homework!

She could have made a great deal more of the sessions she attended.

However, she has also failed to grasp some concepts. In particular the Values and Rules lessons and recently she seems to have lost her way.  Those teaching her, perhaps, need to find different ways of assisting her.

Sense of Humour:
Her sense of humour continues to be her saving grace.  But she still needs to focus on her future rather than her past.  True happiness still seems to be eluding her.

Written Work:
Prolific!  Caroline continues to contribute on a regular basis though some of her work can be rather repetitive.

Confidence:
Caroline comes across as a well-grounded confident girl.  However when challenged it is clear she is hiding a lot of her emotions which she admits she succumbs to when on her own.

Goals:
Another area where Caroline needs to put in more concentrated effort.

Grade:

B

Conclusion:
This report is not complete.  Contributions welcome!

It really is all about GIVING

I’ve written about this several times before!  You only have to search my blog to find the posts!

The same message came through loud (very – given the volume of the music!!) and clear in Avenue Q.  All the ‘puppets’ cheered up and were happy once they started giving rather than concentrating on just themselves.  They gave to each other and so found they loved and were loved.  They ceased to take – which wasn’t making them happy at all.

Some very adult messages shone through loud and clear (and some very adult action in parts too….!!)

So what stops us giving.  Or to put it better – giving in the right way.

Alex gave – presents. Quite expensive ones.  He gave me a complete wi-fit system just before we split.  But he wasn’t giving himself.  He was so (and maybe still is) focused on looking inwards, on feeling that things weren’t right for him, he never looked up and saw that actually finding out what I needed him to give just could have been the way out of his closed-in existance.

And what I needed was for him to give himself.

I thought I was giving him all he needed.  I gave him space to follow his hobbies.   I never accepted invitations without checking he wanted to go.

But as he became so focused on his inner self he ceased to tell me what he needed so I just had to guess.

So when did he stop talking?  We used to talk the night away when we were first together.  Fact.

And Why did we stop. Why did we stop focusing on each other.  Or at least focusing on each other in the way that made us both incredibly happy.

And now we both know we went wrong.  Why aren’t we putting it right?  Given we have both been shown that we could.

My LC kept reminding me through my sessions:

“What you focus on is what you get!

So how come – since happiness is what I want – I can’t focus on happiness and so Get It.

Perhaps in my currently muddled mind I have this deep-rooted belief that if I focus on Alex long enough I’ll Get Him!

Who knows!!  It’s a thought though!

The sun is shining.  I need to get going. Take photos.  Give out campaign leaflets.

Live through another day!!

And decide to really enjoy it!!

Re-reading past posts!

Lots of people – my local friends – and also my local ‘so called friends’ know I blog. What none of them know is the name I blog under! They could of course easily find it if they so chose. They don’t. They’re not that bothered! I don’t really mind if they find it or not!

The ‘so-called’ lot fall into the category of thinking this can’t be doing me any good. That if Alex found it it would make things worse.  But I’ve never slated Alex here.  And anyway  I don’t see it’s for them to decide!!

I’ve been having a re-read during my lunch break today.

And although the posts are enlightening. Why can’t I focus was a real moment of confusion.   (And sadly I feel a bit the same today!!)

It’s the comments that are so helpful, thoughtful and useful. The encouragement and thoughts you all find time to write are so important to me.

AJ’s guest post is so lovely and thoughtful!

It gives me hope – on a day when I am having difficulty believing it – that somehow I will find that elusive thing called happiness again.  That I have to.

I just have to work out how!

So thank you all of you.  And please keep commenting!

OK so how does happiness happen

That’s the subject of my LC’s post today.

Was I so reliant on Alex for my happiness when I was married?  I wasn’t conscious of it.  I didn’t question my happiness.  I just was Happy.  I was content.  I enjoyed life.  We did things together. We shared our lives.  The 17 years went by in a blink of an eye.  I seriously believed we made each other happy.  We appeared happy.  People thought we were happy.  He seemed happy.

Clearly I was 100% totally and utterly wrong.  I must have been.  He left.

So now how does happiness happen again.  I do things.  I go out.  I’m cycling myself into the ground – well I have done this weekend.  I’m improving my photography.  I will be working on my French. I’m playing the piano again.  I’m fighting to save our local airfield.  I work.  Every ‘do’ suggested to me I sign up for – and go!

I do all these things.  I write here on my blog – which I love doing.  But am I truly happy?  No.  Not like I was.

When I go out I smile and laugh.  I’ve stopped saying ‘soldiering on’ or other phrases which might hint at my lack of happiness.

Those around me say I’m doing so well.  Which is lovely. And very encouraging!

So I don’t know how true happiness happens any more.  Maybe one morning I will wake up and cease to care about my loss.

I know true happiness has to come from within. But from within where?  That’s the million dollar question.  Because in me it’s sure hiding well.