Help Helps!

That’s the thing isn’t it!  Getting help actually helps!  And stuff all those people who have never been at the bottom of their Mine and so announce that getting help is just navel gazing and a waste of time and money.

The thing is to find the help that does actually help!  Because some help doesn’t.

I have a friend who won’t get help anymore as she’s too scared of the pain she might have to go through.  She has been for various types of help – mostly on a psychological front and it hasn’t worked.  She keeps going back to the same person and it keeps not working. She has been doing this for years and years.

I suggested to her she tried life coaching as a different route but she told me through her tears that she couldn’t face the opening up of the pain anymore and had decided to just live with how she feels now – which is not good by the way.

She has to take the step for herself. We all do. Life Coaching might work for her, it might not.  It was, for me, at times tough.  I cried a lot!  But I don’t ever remember leaving a life coaching session feeling worse than when I went in.  I usually felt a great deal better. Sometimes I left totally confused – but even that was better than just feeling plain miserable!

Yes getting help is scary and I don’t know how you help people get past that initial terror or stubbornness so they do ‘take the plunge’.

My brother and his wife are opting for the ‘I don’t want help’ route and heading for divorce, with absolutely no idea whether their issues could be fixed and the passion they had for each other re-ignited.  The result is their youngest daughter is, not surprisingly, finding life tough.

So how do we help those close to us to help themselves.  How do we ‘sneak’ up on them and introduce the thought that maybe the route they are on at the moment isn’t actually the one which is 100% certain to lead them to happiness.

I suppose time helps. That and the pain getting so bad that help is the only route out.  That was the case for me in the end. Though even that is not strictly true as I did go to my doctor at the beginning.  I did go to the psychologist – who I found so unhelpful that looking back now it’s actually funny!

After all what on earth was I getting after 45 minutes of me weeping to be told at the end by this ‘expert’ that I was crying because my marriage had failed

Now that was an amazing glimpse of the obvious if ever there was one!

And then to crown this she announced, with stunning insight,  that the reason I was feeling down and depressed was I saw no hope for a happy future for myself.

I wonder how many years training she had gone through to come up with that gem!

Clearly a career path that I should now be considering rather than the one I’ve chosen!!

In all the sessions I had with Stephen, in all those ones I fought, cried, battled or whatever, I don’t remember him ever saying anything so mind-bendingly crass!! He just did whatever he does (??) to encourage me to change state, understand myself and ……   finally get me to where I am now!!

Brick walls

Today I appear to want to talk about brick walls!  I’ve no idea why.  But walls are what it all appears to be about today!  Not ducks (see previous posts – you can search if you want!), not sunshine, just brick walls!

It’s time I stopped bashing my head against the brick wall, find a door through it and walked out into the open world ahead!

I wanted 2 doors – one for me and one for Alex – so we could both get together the other side of our ‘brick walls’ which we both seem to have found blocking our path.

Our brick walls are different, and in Alex’s case he has a determined brickie (the OW)  who rapidly rebuilds his in her determination to keep him for herself and also the ghost of his mother who is  supplying bricks and mortar at an alarming rate!

So I need to leave them building their own personal ‘great wall of china’ and either hop over mine (not a good idea given my propensity for injuring myself when I climb anything!!) or find the door, go through and then – the tough bit – slam it behind me so I can’t creep back!

Easy when written down!!

Hope I’ve made you smile!!

Help out of your misery hole

I have just been updating several pages of this blog!  I do this as each new milestone of this recovery happens.  Posts can get lost deep down in history so I feel it’s important to add the really valuable things I have learnt to the pages as well.

I’ve always felt that I couldn’t have gone for the option of Life / Relationship Coaching last year.  Well actually I now wish I had found this option earlier. I wish I had been doing this last year rather than spending 18-20 months hanging on to the past and clinging to the expectation that Alex would ‘see the light’ and come back.

Because that way of thinking has become so ingrained in me, so natural, that it is taking a lot to shift it and I keep zooming back to it as my comfort zone (nasty as it is).  But I am where I am.  And the only way IS forward!

I know we are all different and we can only take the steps we take when we are ready to take them.  But my advice for what it’s worth is – even though  daunting as it is – is get help earlier rather than later. It does take courage.  But give yourself a pat on the back and go for it – whatever route you decide to try.