Kisses and Intimacy!

Yup – good proper kisses has a great deal to do with it!

I was watching Pretty Woman again the other evening (I have lost count of the number of times I’ve watched it!!).  One of the rules that Vivienne was told by her hooker friend was “No kissing on the mouth – it’s too intimate”

And, actually, that is amazingly true.  Kissing on the mouth is incredibly intimate.

I’ve been indulging in some ‘blog surfing’ this morning.  By delving into others’ blogs and following links to those who have commented there I came across someone who pointed out that kisses were what was lacking in her marriage.  And it really got me thinking.

As that was one of the things which was lacking so often in my marriage.  Alex avoided kissing.  OK I got kisses but not good deep amazing snogging!!!  And, not surprisingly, that’s what I needed.  Along with hugs for hugging’s sake and even just holding hands a lot.

So Alex couldn’t handle that level of intimacy.  It would appear so.

Yes he could make love to me. And did so!   But I always wondered why I often felt as if my body was just being used.  OK I know I also have this barrier I have to overcome due to what happened to me when I was 15 but no wonder I so often closed down.  The man who assaulted me didn’t kiss me – oh no – that would have been far too intimate.  No he just explored my body against my will.

So Alex has gone off with a woman who is amazingly un-sexy (Yes I know that happens to be my opinion – but hey – this is my blog so I can say what I like!). She is incredibly tall but not in a willowy feminine way.  No she’s – how can I put it – a bit overweight – and solid!  She may have big tits (which I lack)  – and which she flaunts. But that’s it. So I think!

Clearly she’s good in bed!  Well she has to have some redeeming features!!

So there’s Alex who has never allowed himself to really be intimate.  Who finds it impossible to really let himself go emotionally.  And there’s me having similar problems – but for different reasons.  Result:  Disaster!!

It’s been rather an enlightening morning!!  In a good way!!  A sort of ‘Light Bulb’ moment.  How refreshing!

Enjoy your day everyone!

It’s good to be home!

It’s good to be back home where there are fewer links to Alex.  The last few days were so difficult – and I don’t mean the courses I was on!  Which were fun  – if you like that sort of thing – which sadly I appear to!

No as I said yesterday it was the association with that particular hotel and staying away and lots of other things  – all associated with Alex – which rather stamped over my fragile state and won the day,and left me feeling rather drained and empty.

But I’m off out for a fun dinner tonight – thank goodness!

You know what one needs in life is a good hug from time to time!

Hey ho!  Dream on Caroline!!

So hugs to all my readers – after all I can give out hugs – which is a nice feeling!

Phew! Work!

I actually woke up with a sense of relief this morning that I could go back to work! 

After yesterday who can blame me.  And I did sleep last night.  I had no other option.  I was physically and mentally exhausted!

Thank you – my dear readers – for egging me on and supporting me yesterday, you’ve no idea how it helped.  And stick with me I only have one room to go + a few cupboards (which I think should be OK having ‘scanned’ them!).  Then this emotional marathon will be over and we can all breathe a sigh of relief!!  And I will award you all medals for perseverence in the face of considerable adversity!  I do hope I haven’t bored you to tears!  There’s been enough crying on these posts and I’ve run out of mopping up material!

Thank you for  all the virtual hugs too!!

My New Year’s resolutions

I’ve no idea if announcing them is good or bad luck.  But as I may need encouragement to stick to some of them I thought I’d ‘share’ my list:

  1. Give myself so many goals I don’t have time to do anything else other than work at achieving them.
  2. “Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live” – I am going to take heed of  this aphorism and live by it as best I can.
  3. Give myself 10  positives for every negative
  4. Stand up straight! Stop slouching & improve my posture.  I may only be 5′ 2″ but there really is no need to make myself 4′ 11″ !
  5. Get my book published
  6. Put on some weight!
  7. Get a new look.
  8. Laugh.
  9. And most importantly  – Make 2011 my year!

Happy New Year everybody

To my friends, my readers, my life coach Stephen and to all those people I’m going to meet in the next 12 months who don’t even know about me yet; who are going to make my life fun and exciting and whose lives will be changed for the better by meeting me!!!

Here’s to 2011 – may it bring to you all everything you wish for and more – much, much more.

May you all be happy and healthy and loved.

Hugs to every one of you


Why do I wake up?

What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night?  And why?

It’s 2.30am and I’ve woken up – yet again.  Tense & headachy  – my neck and shoulders are as taught as a bow.  Thoughts – muddled. I feel very, very wound up –  as in tension – but I don’t know what about. Nothing is clear.

In fact this is how I often feel when I wake in the night.  The feeling is very familiar.  Some hidden deep uncertainty.  That I am destined to do this on my own.

And as my notepad and pencil have disappeared from my bedside table I’ve got up and am blogging this instead.

My initial thoughts on waking are:

I want to be comforted from some unseen, unknown something.  A great wish to be hugged and to feel someone should be here to protect me.  I’m not sure what from.  That is totally unclear.  I just want protection.  But I’m not scared.

I feel very alone – but I’m not miserable.  Just alone.  Which I don’t like.

Loss.  A huge sense of loss.  But again I’m not sure what of.

And such a strong feeling of being pulled in two directions.  I feel very confused.

I have no idea what about.  I just feel confused.  A massive wish just to cry – and again I don’t know what over.  I just want to weep and weep and weep.  VERY emotional.  As in emotional.  Nothing more explicit.  I wish I could be more explicit.

And this is how I often feel when I wake in the middle of the night.  This is SO familiar.  In recent weeks this is how I’ve felt.

I’ve never written it down before.  I have no idea why.  I think because it’s so difficult to express.  Even now I can’t truly explain how I feel.  What I’m experiencing.

Alex doesn’t really feature.  Well not in the way Alex is now.

A feeling that no one will ever understand what’s zooming around in my head.  How can they when I can’t even express it out loud myself.

It’s just that something isn’t right.  I don’t know what.  Something is very, very wrong.  And whatever this something is I have to sort it out and put it right.

I feel as though I am letting myself down.  That some higher ‘force’ is marking me and I am not scoring good enough marks.  “Could do better” would be on my School of Life report.

Do I feel any better for writing this all down.  Yes and No, not really.  I feel I am trying to grasp something, some thought, some concern,  some idea.  But I can’t because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to look and which direction to go in.

All I know is that whatever it is, it causes me to wake up when I should be asleep.

I’m going back to bed now.  It’s  3.15am.  I wonder what I’ll think when I read this again in the morning!

This post will stay as my rule is NEVER DELETE.  And in this case I won’t amend or update either.