My best interests at heart

I know you, and  my LC,  have my best interests at heart and you’re all rooting for me – and don’t think I don’t appreciate it.  I do. Very much.

It’s the coaching which is the issue I have just now.

As I said a week ago my coaching sessions are on hold.  And at this rate it looks as though this could be indefinitely!  I appear unable to commit to ‘letting go’.

I shall miss the sessions in a way. When someone has got to know you that well it’s a bit bizarre just to stop suddenly.  But maybe they had become – to use his quote – “expensive chats” and nothing more.  In which case undoubtedly a waste of his time and my money!!

I also know there is absolutely no mileage in my LC saying that Alex could change his mind, is changing his mind, still cares…..  or any other combination involving hope!  As that will keep me well and truly ‘hanging on’. The trouble is when he says the opposite I don’t believe him!!

Well he may just be right.  But it’s easy for him to say.  I just wonder how easy he would find it if he had to do it in his own life.  OK I know that’s not fair – he’s ‘been there’ too.   Do men find it easier?  I’ve no idea!

I also feel a bit of a failure when it comes to the life coaching business.  According to one of his recent posts people usually ‘get it’ between 4-12 sessions.  Well I’ve notched up 23!!  So clearly I’m not one of his raging successes!!  Perhaps other people are just better at all this than I am.  Or the route he is now offering is not the one for me any longer.  Who knows!  I felt a bit bullied last week – so I retreated at speed and ‘hid’.    He has been an inspiration up to now and I have benefited no end but maybe that’s it.

Maybe the next stage is feeling a bit at sea (with no oars!! – oh dear that puts me in a rowing boat and I don’t like small boats, waves or rough seas at all!!).  Perhaps I just do now have to knuckle down and row!

It’s not that I mind a bit of hard work.  I don’t!  It’s just…..well:

Bu**er!!

Blog title change

It was no good I didn’t feel comfortable with January’s title.  It didn’t feel honest or true to my day-to-day feelings.  So I’ve changed it to “I Can Survive – and one day I’ll Fly”  as this is my goal – but not one I’ve yet achieved and succeeded on every day. (Titles I’ve given this blog can be found on my Info on this blog page)

Maybe this just takes longer than I realised.  Maybe I need to find more inner strength.  Maybe – even though I loathe the phrase with a vengence – I do, actually, have to find a way to “Let go”.

I don’t know.  All I do know is – I’m not there yet. Wherever “There” is!!.  Well as sure as hell it isn’t here! 

Well it better not be.

Today’s news (updated – more than once)

For those who are following my rather wobbly progress through life!

Today was a Life Coaching day. The first one since my 2nd Eureka moment two weeks ago.  One which I was rather dreading but actually it wasn’t at all traumatic. Apart from a few moments of acute embarrassment and a few tears.

So where am I now?  Well I feel that having discovered and understood what happened when I was 15 I can understand me better and maybe – in the context of any future relationship – look after me better.

But I felt I short changed myself today.  I feel I missed something today.  I didn’t allow myself to get all I could have done.  I need to let new ideas in and take them on board and not fight against them.  I feel I wasted time.  I was there for over 2 hours.  The time went so fast.  And I should have extracted more from the session. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself.  I just want it all!  And I want it now!

It’s odd really.  Part of me hangs on to the past and loves discussing it – when actually I am so impatient for it all to change and to live my new life to the full.

The haunting of the past is getting less.  And I don’t really need to go over and over it in my head  – do I?!  Well I don’t. I’ve decided that.

As usual I have homework!  This week I have agreed

to turn any negative thought into a positive.

To write down my dream – everything I’d like my future to be

Start planning my dream job

As I said this afternoon I just need to stop “Clutching at failure from the jaws of success!”

On the home front it was odd to come back to the house tonight.  House Clearance have almost finished and all the rooms in my Dad’s part of the house are now empty.  Strange to go through the rooms where we grew up and see them all empty.  It will be good to leave here and be somewhere different.

So I have a choice.  As I’ve always have had.  To grab my future and make it soar or not.

And actually – making it soar not only seems the best option on offer – It’s a great option!  I can be the person I want to be.  I can do what I want to do.  And I can look after me and love me. And I hope if I really concentrate on that I will sleep.

Maybe “letting go”  will just happen as I create and move towards my new future and I will wake one morning and found I have.  I hope so.  I do know it is not possible just to consciously stop thinking about it.  But – increasingly – I think about Alex less.  So this “letting go” is happening all the time – it has been for a long time.  It only seems impossible when people tell you to do it as it’s not like letting go of an object – letting go of an emotion is different as it isn’t a physical act.