Did I jump?

Good question. 

No not yet!  But I’m preparing my launching pad so I can!  I can be rather impetuous!  Once I’ve made my mind up to do something I can zoom off at high speed.  I very nearly did last week.  Sensibly my financial advisor put some brakes on! 

Firstly I need to meet the 1st basic Human Need  – Certainty.  This got rather derailed last week as my living arrangement has become rather precarious.  I need to get this sorted out so at least I have a base which is mine and I can rely on. 

To plunge off into giving myself any more uncertainty than I have just now would not be a good move!  That being said I have some ideas for a business venture!!  I just need someone who is interested to go into it with me.  It could fulfil two other needs at once – Uncertainty and Contribution.  Actually it would also meet Significance and Growth too!  Wow!!

So I’m on the hunt for a business partner who can see the potential of my idea as well.

It needs some careful planning, but I think it might have possibilities!!

More I’m not saying…………..  for now!!

A too amicable divorce!

That was and sometimes still is my problem.  My divorce was too amicable!  There were no shouting matches or angry words. There was no hatred.  There was an amazing amount of care, of laughter and of indecision.

We hugged masses. We cried together.  We talked  – but probably not enough.  He dithered!!  So much and so often!  The lovely mediator who we went to to finalise our finances would look at us in amazement and confusion after our sessions as we stood outside together chatting and smiling at each other.

When Alex came round to sort out his belongings (which he spun out over 18 months) he would also go and get  take-away meals and stay and chat well into the evening.  Yes he would ‘bolt’ when it was time to go and then he’d run from a more significant hug. No wonder I was confused.

It would have been so much easier to have got really angry – but I didn’t!  It would have been so much easier if he had been nasty – but he wasn’t!

It was the way it was.  We conducted ourselves with a strange kindness and care, masses of uncertainty and  confusion!

I will always believe that had we found Stephen earlier – and by that I mean before the OW came into our lives – we would have come through together  –  together and very happy.  It might have been a challenging ride but I believe worth it!!  We each had issues we  needed to address but neither of us realised what those were.  From what Alex said he discovered things about himself he didn’t know were there.  It was the same for me!

The legacy of all this kindness is perhaps harder to live with as we still get on so well!

Enjoy your day dear reader.  I’m off house hunting this morning as I learnt this week that my landlord has decided to sell my little rented cottage from under my feet – and not to me!  I need to give myself some security and certainty and that starts with having somewhere to live!


Throwing caution to the wind!

Ah! That got your attention!

Radio 3 (our classical  radio station – courtesy of the BBC) played Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto this morning as I drove to work!  Great for jollying along the journey.

It brought back a happy memory of when I was au pairing in Paris – well to be absolutely correct I’d just been fired from my au pair job by Madame who  lost the plot one evening!  I’d been out with ‘les enfants’ during the afternoon – as usual – keeping them clear of the flat so she could entertain who ever it was that day!  We came across some other children  throwing stones – I got hit fair and square on the head by a particularly large stone and  ended up in hospital having stitches (having first returned her children to her loving care I might add!  All the while bleeding somewhat profusely over everyone!).  Anyway she fired me for not looking after the children that evening as I retreated to bed with a headache!!!  The joys of au pairing!!

Back to my story –  It was a couple of weeks or so after this.  I’d found somewhere to live and I was earning the odd few francs babysitting as I still had 8 weeks left to finish my French course!  All I had to my name was my fare home and 100 francs!  And for reasons which I can now  not explain I hadn’t told my parents!!

I queued for over 4 hours to see Artur Rubinstein play the Emperor Concerto! It was one of the last concerts he gave – he did 2 performances that day!  So basically I queued through the first one!!

I paid my last 100 francs for the privilege! And I can promise you it was worth it!!

When I finally owned up to my parents a few days later that I was somewhat destitute, they, of course, bailed me out.  My father didn’t feel I’d squandered my money at all!!!

So occasionally it’s worth “Throwing caution to the wind”  and going with the flow!  After all if one doesn’t then memories like the one I have wouldn’t exist!

There’s a Camembert Crawling round my Kitchen!

We were blessed with a visit from a French Market in our local town this weekend.  Poor souls they nearly got drowned out!

Anyway full of joie de vivre I set off to purchase some goodies – oh yes – and practice my French!  There is, of course, a new urgency in getting my spoken French back to something resembling reasonable as I’ve now discovered that in my  new role as Chairman of the Twinning Association I shall be required to make speeches to our counterparts and doing so in their language would be a bonus!!  Oops!!!  Still it concentrates the mind as they say!

Anyway off I trotted to the marché.  I get over enthusiastic in French markets – I always have.  It’s the enticing way they display their produce!  I bought artichokes – huge succulent ones.  I bought asparagus.  I bought paté.

I had a great time at the bread and pastries stall as the stallholders thought I was French!  How cheering!  So I bought bread and croissants!

I then ended up on the cheese stall and got totally carried away.  Hence the problem I now have. The Camembert is flowing over my kitchen.  I swear it’s growing every day never mind how much I eat!!   I have another cheese which I’ve currently controlled by not cutting into it.  We are eyeing each other warily.  It wants to explode.  It’s ready to run!  I’m holding it back!  For now I have the upper-hand. Being in charge of the knife so-to-speak!  But I know it will win in the end!

I could be consumed by it!

It’s easier done than said!

The big problem I had dear reader, and by that I mean the problem of creating a good new  fun future for myself, was I kept talking myself out of it!

Every time I created a new future for myself, I’d then spend many unproductive hours talking myself out of it.  I’d come up with more buts and excuses than anyone could possibly imagine.

Why?  Well it could have been a lack of faith in myself. But more, I think, because I had a perverse pleasure in doing myself down and feeling sorry for myself!  And a belief that there was someone out there who was going to bounce over the horizon and do all the doing for me! So the best thing was to rely on that rather than do anything myself!!

Talking myself out of ideas took a lot of energy and determination!  Whilst creating fun futures didn’t!  A lesson to be learnt there!!

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t hurt to question. But (and a good but in this case!) It does hurt to destroy.  I was, for a time, a good destroyer.

I’ve been having a potter round the blogs I follow and take an interest in!  There are those who are going through similar very traumatic breakups.  Some fairly new, some not.  Some people are doing better than others at focusing on their futures.  These things can take time.

Or maybe they don’t!

Personally I don’t believe telling people to “Let go” or “Move on” or “Stop thinking of the past”  is very helpful as presumably they would have already done it if they knew how!  Actually guiding people to new futures is what helps.  How we all achieve that is a very personal thing.  Some will surf the internet and get all they feel they need from there, some will talk it out in the pub with their friends  – who will by and large probably only give them advice from their own perspective (which usually means they’re talking about their own issues from their own map of the world – which isn’t yours!).  Some will do as I did and seek professional help.

A case of each to his own!

All I know is I discovered that change can be amazingly fast!  In many cases not a case of weeks, more a case of days or even hours or even minutes!

Perhaps the tough bit is taking the steps to trust the process.  To give oneself the freedom to explore and accept that there are other choices and allowing ourselves to take those choices on board and to find out what happens if we do.  After all no-one can make anyone change!  That desire and willingness has to come from within.

But  what actually happens if we don’t.   If we don’t we can continue to attempt to “Not think of a red telephone”  (Not my quote – but a brilliant concept). We can continue doggedly to  hang on to our own personal  roundabout and hope that someone somewhere will eventually drag us off.  We can continue to hope we will feel differently tomorrow and all the other myriad of daydreams that we are all capable of creating.

However,  it’s down to each of us to jump.  And jumping once you’ve talked yourself into doing so is only a matter of a split second.

Blogging Etiquette!!

Good morning, dear readers.

I have had to take a sad step with my blog today.  I have had to take the step of moderating all comments before they become public.  This has been a hard decision to take and not one I have taken lightly.  But due to some extremely inappropriate and malicious commenting by one reader I’ve had no option.

I created this blog initially to give me the place where I could ‘write out’ my thoughts,  feelings and emotions.  A place where I had the freedom to say what I liked.  I then discovered I could help others going through the same traumas. Then various other readers have come along as they enjoy reading my ramblings on various topics.

What I will not allow this blog to become is a platform for others to air their ill-formed and malicious views.  Clearly this particular reader has their own issues to deal with.  Being amazingly rude on the pages of my blog is not the place to sort them out!

Don’t get me wrong,  I am quite happy to read differing points of view providing they are said respectfully  and we can have a mature debate on the subject.  This has, in fact, happened on several occasions and been useful for those following those debates!

Respect for a person’s space and their views on life is what I’ve always adhered to.  If I read a blog which I don’t necessarily agree with or I don’t feel I can add something constructive or cheerful to then I don’t comment.  It would be rude to do so!!

As I say it’s only been one reader, and she will know all too well who she is as I’ve removed her two comments this morning. The conversation was going nowhere and was bringing the ethos of this blog into question.

Hopefully in a few weeks I can return it to the freedom it had before!

To all my other lovely readers I say “Keep smiling” !  I do love your comments and your visits here.  I should add your comments will be published once I’ve approved them!!

Have a lovely Saturday