Limbo Land

There are two fantastic things about blogging (well there are probably more!  But there are, for me, two top bonuses!).

The first is the support. The great comments: The encouragement, the understanding and sympathy, the challenging ones, the discussions, the different views on various posts, the coaching ones (thanks Stephen).  All of which help massively and remind me I’m not alone.  And even though I started this blog so I could support myself and remind myself of my goal the reality has been so much more than I’d ever imagined, as in moments of doubt  – which, as you know dear reader have been somewhat frequent –  I now feel that not only must I not let myself down but neither must I let you down, by ‘failing’.

The second is the blog itself.  The posts and the history the posts themselves have created.  The different stages I’ve been through and the emotions I’ve had.  So I can now look back and see how far I’ve come, see those different stages from where I am now.  Remind myself of those moments of clarity and hope. That I can and will re-capture my future.

And what my future needs is adventure.  As I wrote a few months ago adventure is what I need.  My problem at the moment is I can’t afford great adventures.  So somewhere along the line, until I can, I need to create some little adventures!

I learnt a great deal last weekend.  Don’t get me wrong I had a fun time. I enjoyed the company of those I already knew.  But actually going on an almighty ‘piss up’ isn’t really me!  And I struggled to find things in common with the majority of the people there.  Our only link was one Radio 2 show and its presenter! I felt like a bystander and I have a shrewd suspicion I behaved like one which probably didn’t endear me to my fellows. If it hadn’t been the presence of one particular couple who I’ve known for a while I think I might have ‘bolted’!

So I feel a bit like a teenager all over again flailing around searching for the right adventures!  Which is also why I feel in Limbo Land.  And Limbo Land is not a great place to be as I then hark back to my past and what I had with Alex (which was lots of great adventures!).

So yes, before Stephen (Life Coach) reminds me – yet again – that I do this to myself (which I DO KNOW!), I need to stop looking back and wishing, and keep looking forward and wishing  – and taking action!

I need to treat Limbo Land as my launching pad and re-capture my future.  But I have to say it’s somewhat difficult and harder than I imagined. I’m very impressed by those who’ve done it. But those who have at least give me hope that I can too – even if it appears to be taking me a great deal longer than it did for them.

So what did you do dear reader to create and re-capture your future? Am I missing a trick?  How did you fire yourself out of Limbo Land and grab your future with both hands?

Unanswered Questions

Finally I am facing the need to accept and acknowledge there always will be so many unanswered questions.  Questions which will, forever, hang in the air.

Apart from Why. Which I have shouted continually at the walls over the last two years, there remains all the others.

How come?  As in how come he changed.  And changed so suddenly. (My LC writes, frequently, that the first thing to go in a failing marriage is the intimacy. That wasn’t the case in ours – but then no two situations are the same.  So we didn’t even follow the rules on breaking up!!)

How come he said he wanted to come back on at least 3 occasions  – and then didn’t

How come he says he still cares.

I could go on but there is no point.  They are there, these questions, and finally I know I just have to live with them being there and now look after me and me alone. (In more ways than one!)

So I’m returning to my Life Coaching sessions.  I need a goal which will give me the tools to focus on me.  Which will give me a future where I am happy.  And clearly that goal cannot be the resurrection of my marriage.

So it’s all down to me looking after me  It’s all any of us can do.  And looking after me is actually about Letting Go.  But to let go I need to have something to aim for which is better, more exciting and more growth orientated than hanging on to what I had – never mind how good it was.

I know I can’t go on as I am. I have to get to the stage when I wake up each morning feeling glad to be facing every new day!!  Glad and excited and pleased.

So going over all the Unanswered Questions  is not me looking backwards – it feels more like an acknowledgement of where I am.

But I tell you something, dear reader, it hasn’t half made me cry.  And I’ve wobbled like crazy these last few days.  But I have to stick to it.  I have to hang on and come through this.

The alternative is to stay in limbo land.  And limbo land is not a life – it’s just an existence and an existence is not enough.

(Rather a lot of alliteration there!)