I must stop doing this to myself!

If I’m not careful I’ll turn into a mental masochist!  Not a clever idea!

This week I seem to have ended up talking to people about my past, going to events which have a strong connection with my past and generally inflicting a level of mental damage on myself which has done me no good at all!  Clever me!!

So what have I been doing?

Well I ended up discussing remote arease of Africa with my campaign group friends.  Result – went home from pub in very bleak mood.

I went to a concert last night by the river (Thames) which Alex and I used to go to each year.  Talk about a trip down memory lane – I cantered down it!!  The concert (Tom Jones) was good.  The rest  – venue etc – was not good for my state of mind!  Result – got home in bleak mood.

Had long discussion with someone on the plight of the Bushmen in Botswana (something Alex and I were passionate about having visited one of the areas).  Another trip down memory lane.  Result – bleak mood for the rest of the day!

So woke up this morning in a very nasty place indeed!   Excellent!!  Gold Star to me for self-inflicted damage!

So now on to the pluses – as yet again I remind myself I’m doing this to me – no one else has any input (if you don’t count the final set of divorce papers requiring my final signatures to go to the Court for the Decree Absolute, which I’ve sent off today).

A friend is going to see if he can set me up with a blind date- which sounds as if it could be promising.  He understands what I’m going through having ‘been there’ himself and also the problems Internet Dating can have – having done it years ago!

So it’s not all bad – and as I’ve now got as far as lunch time I’m beginning to come out of my black mood!!

Enjoy your day everyone!  And remember we are in charge of our moods – no one else!!  (This is a note to me mainly!!)

And another thing….. (updated – a lot)

Why when I finally do get back to sleep –  does my brain feed me such disturbing dreams.  I really do NOT need to dream about what my “Soon-to-be-Ex”  is doing with his F***ing new woman.  And in such unnecessary graphic detail.  And why do my dreams make me be a bystander and observer to it all.  And she’s so smug about it.  So patronising.  So pleased with herself. All 6’1″ of her.  Bl**dy amazonian tart that she is.  As I said to someone at the beginning of all this (back in Feb 2009) – I could just about cope with him exploring the upper reaches of the amazon – it was the lower reaches I objected to!!

BTW I’m just trying to make myself laugh this morning.  Though laughter seems a long way off.  And thank you AJ for your comment to my previous post!  And the youtube link – brilliant.  That did make me giggle!!

How I just wish someone could wave a magic wand which will:

  • Sort out all this clearing out for me
  • Sort out all the notifications I need to do with the move.  The utility companies, insurances, etc (OK I know I do this as a job so am perfectly capable – I just want someone to share the burden)
  • Sort out my mind – with no effort from me – just do it.  A sort of mind altering moment as in Harry Potter
  • Just take away all the stress and pressure

Actually – at this moment – all I want to do is shout HELP!

But I know that’s not possible.  As

  • only I can sort out all the detritus that surrounds me
  • only I know what I want to keep.
  • only I can deal with all the paperwork
  • only I can sort out my mind.  I can be given/shown the tools to do it but ultimately  I have to put in the effort to do it. Only I can control me.  And at the moment that’s just too big an ask.

And sitting here mulling over all this is not going to make the mountain of clearing any smaller.

I really do just want to give up and hide.  But I know I can’t.

(12.00 midday) All I can do is cry – and today I am really crying.   Sorting out our bedroom was always going to be tough – which is why I’d been putting it off.  And it is.  And no it bl**dy well isn’t cathartic.

Radio 2 is going through the best 50 duets of all time and this is one of mine. I think I need to heed the words:

1.30pm:  Lunch break. Crying has turned into body-shaking sobbing.  And no I can’t turn any of these bloody negatives into positives – there are none right now.  I can’t.  Maybe I just can’t today.  Maybe I just don’t want to any more.  And  someone has just rung me up and asked my to dinner on Weds evening (which I have accepted) but I wish they would stop telling me I will feel better once I’ve moved, once I’ve completed all this sh*t, once I’ve ‘moved on’, once ……..

And I know I sound ungrateful – to all those who are encouraging me in all their different ways. I’m sorry,  I’m not ungrateful I just can’t cope.  I just happen to be stressed out of my mind.

3.3opm:  Tea break. I’ve always been able to judge how well I’m doing by the number of handkerchiefs I have to wash.  I’ve just run out of clean ones!  Which hasn’t happened for a while.

I know this sounds self-indulgent BUT:   This SO SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME.  But it is.  And how Alex can claim he still cares when he’s done what he’s done and behaved the way he has is beyond me.  He has a very odd way of showing care.

Going through our past today has been very very emotional.  As I come across various items – usually by accident – and remember the wonderful times we had together.  It just seems so wrong that it all had to end. I am not a hard, cold, dispassionate  person. I wish I was.  I could then bin all the physical reminders of our past without a second look.   I am emotional, I care.  So it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.  And this reality check of what has happened and what we had is so hard to get through.   And I haven’t finished yet.

And I’m not even going to touch the photos – they’re going straight to store.  Going through those would finish me off completely.

I sometimes wonder what the point of ME is!  I felt I used to know.  And no it hasn’t got anything to do with work.  I thought I was important and mattered to Alex.  I was important to my Dad in the last years of his life as I was one of his chief carers.  I just don’t feel I matter anymore.  Not really.  I am an inconvenience to my brothers.  And yes I know I have friends and you, my readers, who email me and comment on this blog – which is great.  You do matter – thank god you’re out there.

And Yes I know “your mind gives you what you focus on” (life coaching moment) BUT actually I am not focusing on a miserable future. I don’t know what I’m focusing on.  Very difficult not to focus on the past as the past is what I’m dealing with right now.  And I don’t need to be reminded of any of it just now!  And If I want to have a mini-rant I can as this is my blog and I can write what I like!!

OK I’ve made myself grin through my tears!!  Gosh I do sound like a stroppy  teenager!!

5.30pm – A dose of ironing has been very calming. The sobbing has stopped.  Enough for today.  My emotions can’t take any more for today.  I’m listening to Radio 3 and Mozart (It’s Mozart all this week!).  Also soothing and calming.  and I now have a clean supply of handkerchiefs so I can bawl my eyes out again!!  Not that I feel I can now.  I’m cried out for now.

So it’s back to work tomorrow. Probably a good thing. I need a break from all this.  I’ve emailed Alex to sort out the phone bill and to come and get the things I’ve found which belong to him.

I look dreadful.  Crying has done nothing for my appearance.  I have red eyes, black rings under my eyes.  This is NOT a good look!

And just to add another mini-rant:  How come people feel it’s good to say to me:

“We were invited to Alex’s for dinner the other night.  He was on his own.  Pity we were really looking forward to meeting his new woman”.  So – on the one hand – I can feel pleased he is on his own – and on the other I wanted to dot her one for wanting to meet HER.  Actually people just don’t think!  But then she’s one of those who has told me:  I should NOT be going to Life Coaching or any other form of therapy, I should be moving on, letting go, that clearing out will be good for me + several other things, Including did I know I was bossy!  Anyway it’s all OK for her –  she’s been happily married for nearly 30 years and has absolutely no idea what any of this is like!

My Mood swings are so violent

And mood swings is what I’m getting.

At the moment a mood of total apathy for the whole process.  For Life Coaching and what it requires from me.  A wish to stop participating because right now I really don’t see the point.  (And I do have a break this week as getting my hair done is taking precedence – how very female of me!!). This feeling has been growing over the last few days.  I just want to walk away from everything.  A wish not to bother any more and not waste anyone’s time.  A feeling that perhaps where I’ve got to now is where I am supposed to be.  Not particularly happy but not over sad either.  A feeling that I should accept my lot in life and just be who I am now.  A feeling that I don’t have the energy, will power, or anything else to focus on anything better.

I also feel  numb.  I just don’t feel I can take anything else on board at the moment.  There’s a huge resistance consuming me to do nothing.

Maybe it’s enough dealing with moving.  Perhaps moving is more of an emotional wrench than I think.  I was born in this house!  OK I moved away for large chunks of my life – but I moved back.  It was always ‘home’ and soon it won’t be.  And having to deal with all the aspects of moving on my own isn’t totally easy.

Then moments of incredible irritation with everyone and everything.  And the trouble is – dear reader – none of these emotions could be classed as very positive!!  Which given what I said yesterday isn’t exactly brilliant!!  I can see that through all the haze of negative strop!

I know I try and kid myself here by writing-up my moods.  But it’s all so easy to write about being positive – it’s quite another to be it – all the time.  But there again I said I would be honest here.  And you’ve got to admit  – honest is what I have been.  Very honest.  Totally honest about my past.  So sticking to this honesty –  I have to be honest about my present!  And my present – just now – is apathetic and numb.  Sorry!

Oh yes and it’s now 2.45am – need I say more!!  I think I’ll go back to bed now.  I’ve been up and about for 2 hours doing this and that – sorting stuff out, tidying up!  Blogging is the only thing that seems to help these days – a sort of middle of the night mini-rant!!

Sleep well everyone  – maybe I will soon!

xxx