BT is a wonderful organisation…..!

So I now have a land line phone! But Not how I wanted it.

I am now connected with a line number which is totally different to the one I agreed with BT – which is somewhat surprising!  And I have the added bonus that none of my cordless phones work with it – which is also very gratifying!

In the face of a communications nightmare one must not in any way expect that a communications company is going to solve one’s problems!!

I am overwhelmed with a feeling of well being and the world is how it is supposed to be!!!

God help me next week when I’m supposed to get Broadband!  They’ll probably connect that to someone in Scotland!

They have written to me – but in Alex’s name!!

Still no sign of my redirected mail either!!!

Bring it on world!

OK I need to stop using exclamation marks!!!!!

Life still feels surreal

It really does feel surreal.  Life I mean!  I suppose it will start feeling like home soon.  And I keep thinking Alex should be there too.  Which is incredibly silly of me as he left nearly two years ago.  Anyone with any sense would have got used to the situation by now.  Perhaps I’m just thick!

And – dear reader – we all know how much I hate “Moving on”  and “Letting Go”  but I can see that I am doing both those things.  Even if I am doing it in very small ‘baby steps’.

My home is now completely unpacked.  A friend and his son have removed all the packing cartons for me  and the son is going to sort out all my IT, TV and Stereo issues – in exchange for a TV!  Brilliant deal as far as I can see as the TV came free ( inherited from my father).  So everyone is being wonderfully helpful.

Now all I need is an  internet connection – but that won’t happen until Monday week.

I’m not down it’s just….

I’m not down.  I may sound it today but I truly am not – and I am being honest (as I always am here! – Sometimes, some of you may feel, too honest!!).

It’s just that I don’t feel like laughing, giggling or cracking jokes at the moment.  As I said in my previous post – I just feel drained.

I do hope this doesn’t last long!  Maybe I’m just worn out!!  I’m very good at expecting more from me than I get!!

And I had hoped I’d be sleeping better once I’d moved (but I’m back to having to ‘knock’ myself out if I want a good night’s sleep) ……

Friday update

I am back at work today.  I appear to have survived the redundancy round which is good news (I think!).  Yes of course it is.  I need a salary right now!

I’ve got my headlight fixed.  I now know that BT (telecoms) will move my number to my new address next Thursday – which means I will have another week of no instant communication with the outside world!  But that does mean I can concentrate on getting my new home how I want it and I won’t be tempted away to sit and FB chat or blog!

So far I’ve tripped on  one set of stairs once (but then those that have read this blog know that stairs and me seem to fall out rather too often).  I’ve hit my head going into the loft room countless times (which given my height of 5’2″ is somewhat surprising – just as well I’m not taller!).

Apart from that I am quite liking it.  It’s a lovely quirky house on different levels.  I might even post a photo or two when I have got  it a lot tidier!

As to how I feel.  Drained, Numb and rather lonely still, and taking each day in small steps, or ‘baby steps’ as my LC said!

My Alexometer is hovering around 2.5-3.00.  I’d just love to be sharing this new house and experience with someone.

PS:  Thank you everyone for you lovely encouraging comments – you’ve no idea how it helps to receive them.  I may only be able to pick them up on odd occasions – but they make all the difference.

OK – everyone was right!

It does feel like a new start.  Not the one I wanted.  Not the one I ever envisaged.  But it is OK!  That doesn’t sound good enough does it.  It sounds a bit “I’m coping” and not more than that.

It just feels surreal really.  A bit as though I’m on holiday and will be going back home soon.  Though not.

I drove past this afternoon and it looks so empty and sad – I don’t want to go back there!

I feel a bit in limbo really.

I’m going to work tomorrow so I can sort out my car and have a break from unpacking.

It’s all a  bit strange really.  that’s all I can say.  This is all a bit vague.

Moving is easy except…..

Well at last I’m beginning to see the floor!  I seem to be spending all my time emptying boxes!  How come it only took a few hours to get me here but seems to be taking days to unpack!  And EVERYTHING has been wrapped – I’ve never seen so much wrapping paper!

I also appear to have decided that my time here will be spent in improving my mind as the  books I have brought with me appear to consist of:  Several Dictionaries and a Thesaurus, a mass of French text books, ASP and SQL programming manuals, a vast array of self-help books ranging from How to save Your marriage, to Moving On (How I HATE that title!) and then a stack of Bird Watching books for various countries I am unlikely to visit any time soon!!

Clearly I am going to have a great deal of fun on the reading front!!

Apart from that I had a happier day on Wednesday.  I decided to take the rest of the week off.  I had an enlightening Life Coaching Session which was helpful and useful and gave me some form of peace of mind.

The joys of life don’t leave me alone though as I gained a cracked windscreen  and – totally unrelated – one of my headlights has gone!  So I have things to keep me busy today  – just in case I should get bored!

As to my Alexometer reading:  It went down to about 4.5 on Wednesday morning. And after my LC session it went down to 2 -2.5 so that’s better.  In fact at one moment it hit a 1.

My view on my future is changing.  All I really want is to have someone to share my life with – but not necessarily Alex.  In fact – to be honest – if the Alex of today is the Alex of the future and the way he wants to conduct his life and behave – I really don’t want anything to do with him.  I want and need someone to laugh and have fun with, someone who will look after me and protect me. Someone to be there for me – not apologise afterwards for not being.  Someone who won’t ask if I need help but will just give it because he wants to and he knows  how to give. Someone who is proud of me.  I know – basically – someone who loves me!!  And loves me unconditionally and who just wants to do everything he can to make me happy!  Seems fair to me!

I don’t want someone who is riddled with angst and indecision.  Who is furtive and deceitful.   Who keeps saying sorry for his failings but keeps repeating them. Who is so inward looking he’s missing the fun that life has to offer – who is failing to notice that actually “the sun is shining”.  Who says he can’t ‘talk to me’. Who focuses on the problems rather than the pleasure.  Who is so wrapped up in himself he can’t give me the love, attention and intimacy I want and need.

I thought men were simple creatures!  Keep them fed well,  and have some enjoyable sex – reasonably often – and – by and large – they would be happy!!!  I appear to be wrong!!

PS – This post comes from a friend’s house!