Early morning walk

The early morning mist was just beginning to clear as I arrived at the lake, binoculars around my neck, camera over my shoulder.

The peace of this place envelops me and caresses my being. Here I feel calm, at peace with me.  Here is where Alex and I walked those interminable walks, as we discussed the possibilities of our life together.  Here we laughed and joked, despite the problems we were trying to resolve.  Here he occasionally stopped and gave me a hug.  Here he told me we had no future.

Today I can cope with it all.  I walk quietly along the lake shore watching the various ducks and geese chivying their offspring away from the shoreline, away from this gentle intruder in their midst.

I pass the night fishermen just waking, stretching from the overnight vigil of their fishing rods.

The occasional dog walker marches past – intent on getting  this requirement for exercise over as fast as possible so they can return home   They don’t have time to take in all the wonder of this place – from the tranquility of the lake to the insects hovering on the shoreline.

The lake warden is in his usual place. Telescope fixed on the far bank so he can carry out his daily bird check.  I stop to talk.  He is a kind man – he knows there are days when I don’t want to talk, days when the tears pour down my cheeks unhindered – when to stop them is just too much to ask.

Today is not one of them.  Today I stop and we chat quietly about what he can see on the far bank.  He lowers the tripod so I can have a look too.  He makes sure I see the bird he has picked out as special.

Quietly he asks how things are today.  I smile and acknowledge his concern, the gruff care he has taken on, unasked, over these last months.  I can’t remember when I told him.  I know when I did he nodded knowledgeably and said “It’s calm here – a good place to walk and think “.  He understood then and does now.  Some days I just need to be alone.  Some days I’ll chat.

We part and I stroll on ever hopeful of that photo which will stand out from the others.  The one which will truly capture the magic of this place. Not just the peace and tranquility  but the joy I feel when I’m here.

This place where in the past I experienced a truly profound sense of love. The love I gave to me when I used to walk this path with Alex.

One day I’ll take that photo.  Not today.

But maybe tomorrow.

I’ll be back again soon.

calm

Some calm meditation.  And thanks to one of my readers for sending me this:

Sit in a comfortable chair – feet squarely on the floor.  Relax back into the chair.  Close your eyes.

Now, imagine that you are stepping into a bright and airy lift where there is a very comfortable armchair.  Push the lift button, sit yourself back in the chair, and let the lift take you gently, very gently down to a level where the lights aren’t so bright and there is a soft and refreshing whisper of fresh air.  Hold yourself at this place for a few seconds until you feel really comfortable.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  The lift doors will slowly open automatically and you will see before you a very beautiful and magical garden.

When you are ready, take another few really deep slow breaths, and focus your mind’s eye on a candle flame which is very gently flickering in your magical garden, calming and soothing; or on a beautiful and fragrant rose within your magical garden whose heavenly scent is filling your head with peace and comfort.  Don’t be distracted.  Keep focusing on your visualised image and don’t let other thoughts come to mind.  If they do, bring your mind back to your image – calm, peace, comfort.

When you feel at peace with yourself, bring yourself back to the comfortable armchair, back to the softly lit lift and very, very, very slowly let the lift glide to ground level again.  When you are ready, rise from the comfortable armchair, the lift door will automatically but silently open.

Slowly open your eyes and feel at peace with your surroundings.

Places I can’t go

I need to overcome this.

I can’t go to Africa (which is a very large place not to go!  And one which – on a day-to-day basis – I am unlikely to need  to worry about!).  That’s because Alex and I spent so many holidays there.

And now I find I can’t go to my favourite lake – which is only just down the road.  As it’s where Alex and I have met so often over the last 22 months to talk and try and work through the issues we have.  And where I walked and walked on so many early weekend mornings – on my own  – where I just let the tears run and where I found such peace and tranquility.  But I realise now also  where I look  back and I can’t do that.  Not anymore.

I am in looking forward mode now!

It is a bit restricting though.  As I’ve been asked to stay in South Africa by friends – who I have had to turn down.  And I do like the lake!

Serenity and Tranquility

Serenity is an early morning walk

I have walked round and round this lake – often at the crack of dawn.  A wonderful place to think and very often where I used to let the tears just pour down my face.  But it’s also a place of amazing peace.  A place where I felt safe with my emotions – where I could let them flow through me.  I haven’t been back since my ‘breakthrough’ so I am looking forward to finding out how I feel and react next time I go.  I am sure I will still see the beauty and serenity but maybe I will see and feel even more.