A new set of “Hows” and “Whys”?

How I’ve shouted those words into the ether for the last three years and not got any answers. Well it would have been a miracle if I had!  Linked as they were to someone who was not in earshot so couldn’t hear!  And don’t get me wrong I still get times when the questions come back and haunt me floating as they do in the recesses of my mind – ready to rush to the fore should I lower my guard!

Now I have added a whole new set of Hows Hows which are much more future focused (so keep the other ones at bay!),  useful ones to ask as they will help me in my studies.

Hows – as in How did he do that and obtain this result?

How does he know which route to use?

And Whys – as in Why did I respond to some parts of the Life Coaching better than others?

Added to this I have a myriad of questions (all written down in a little book) on all that I’m reading and wanting to understand more fully!

I realise I do understand quite a lot!  Much to my joy, I’ve helped a girlfriend living nearby, with an issue she was battling with. From being stuck she’s now ‘flying’.   I don’t know who got the greater buzz – her or me!

I also know going on the courses are a great starting point, the building blocks, of what I want to do.  I wonder, and hope, we get practical sessions!

I also think I’m going to need to find myself a mentor!  Oops more cost!!

Questions and Answers

In what feels like my relentless search for answers – you know the answers to – the WHYs?  the HOW COMEs?  the HOW COULD YOUs?  I’ve now come to the conclusion that I will never know and actually do I really need to.

I’d love answers but only if they’re the answers I want to hear!  Not the ones I’m more likely to be given!

And actually in this rather fruitless search have I ever asked the right questions.

None of the questions that have assailed my confused brain have been very growth orientated.  I never asked – kindly and lovingly – , for example, “What do you want to achieve?”

And – given the fact that the answer to that is, probably, a combination of “Happiness, passion, freedom from feeling as I do now”

Then surely the next response should have been “Wouldn’t it be great and wouldn’t you just love it if you got all those things again with me?”

That would have been a growth orientated conversation!

Sadly not one we ever had.  And now I’ve learned (from Stephen’s coaching) that these ideas can be a real possibility, it’s been a tough thing to come to terms with. Tougher than I can describe.

It’s not too late for my brother, H, but in his current state no-one can get close enough to pose those questions and so give him the opportunity to, perhaps, see things in a different way.

I’m sure we all have questions, every day.  I now feel the important thing is to know what we want from the answer and then work out what the real question should be!

Damn the Dreams!

Poppy in my garden

At least during the day I have some semblance of control over my wayward thoughts.  I can decide which way to go.  Up or down!  But not when I’m asleep!

And having spent a large percentage of the last 24 hours asleep I have to say I’ve had enough of the dreams!

My body had got to total exhaustion stage yesterday and I slept most of yesterday afternoon, evening and then after a small window of wakefulness  – through the night!  Which does seem rather a waste of a day – but there was no alternative!!  So how come I still feel tired?  Well the dreams were chaotic, graphic, romantic and unfair.  So I woke – back into the reality – tearful and feeling wronged – all over again!!

Brilliant!!

Today is a Bank Holiday here in the UK so no work today.  I have my French class tonight to prepare for.

And I shall go over, yet again, what I learned at my LC session last week, and hopefully understand more of what I need to do – and possibly how!

I tell you one thing, dear reader, I’ve always said there are more questions than answers to this situation I find myself dumped in and that now applies to the LC sessions as well!!

I suppose the bonus is that, if I concentrate, the questions are forward looking rather than backward!  However, confusion still reigns!

Big Time!!!

Unanswered Questions

Finally I am facing the need to accept and acknowledge there always will be so many unanswered questions.  Questions which will, forever, hang in the air.

Apart from Why. Which I have shouted continually at the walls over the last two years, there remains all the others.

How come?  As in how come he changed.  And changed so suddenly. (My LC writes, frequently, that the first thing to go in a failing marriage is the intimacy. That wasn’t the case in ours – but then no two situations are the same.  So we didn’t even follow the rules on breaking up!!)

How come he said he wanted to come back on at least 3 occasions  – and then didn’t

How come he says he still cares.

I could go on but there is no point.  They are there, these questions, and finally I know I just have to live with them being there and now look after me and me alone. (In more ways than one!)

So I’m returning to my Life Coaching sessions.  I need a goal which will give me the tools to focus on me.  Which will give me a future where I am happy.  And clearly that goal cannot be the resurrection of my marriage.

So it’s all down to me looking after me  It’s all any of us can do.  And looking after me is actually about Letting Go.  But to let go I need to have something to aim for which is better, more exciting and more growth orientated than hanging on to what I had – never mind how good it was.

I know I can’t go on as I am. I have to get to the stage when I wake up each morning feeling glad to be facing every new day!!  Glad and excited and pleased.

So going over all the Unanswered Questions  is not me looking backwards – it feels more like an acknowledgement of where I am.

But I tell you something, dear reader, it hasn’t half made me cry.  And I’ve wobbled like crazy these last few days.  But I have to stick to it.  I have to hang on and come through this.

The alternative is to stay in limbo land.  And limbo land is not a life – it’s just an existence and an existence is not enough.

(Rather a lot of alliteration there!)

There are more Questions than Answers

And there really are more questions than answers in all this.

So many questions I want to ask so I can understand.

Most of them start with Why.  And Why is not a question I’m allowed to ask!

A lot more start with What.   And probably the same applies.   Of course they are all directed at Alex. Alex the man I thought would NEVER let me down.  Alex the man who won’t answer.  Alex the man who I believed would always be there for me.  Alex who isn’t.

So I have to stop running these questions in my head in the middle of every night, when I’m too tired and sleepy to control these wayward thoughts but too wide awake actually to go back to sleep!

And all this sounds as if I’m really down in the dumps this morning.  Actually I’m not – I’m OK.  Just in a very questioning mood!!

I WOULD SO LIKE TO HAVE SOME ANSWERS!!!

I’d better stop bashing away on this keyboard and get going.  I have a hair appointment to get to and lots of essential shopping I need to do.  So it’s off out into the rain!

No doubt I’ll write more later!!

xx