Lost boys

Before I ‘get going’ and fire this latest ‘pearl’ of Caroline’s perceived ‘wisdom’ into the ether  I will state that a lot of what appears below has been inspired by talking to Stephen (Life Coach) and his views.  So the credit is his.  No credit to me.  I just hope he doesn’t mind me ‘waxing lyrical’ on the subject!

So here are  my views!

Where have all the Men gone?  And I don’t mean there aren’t any ‘out there’.  It’s just that there are too many Lost Boys.

Men who are failing to be – just that – Men. When it comes to relationships they seem to ‘fall over’ and play dead.  They aren’t standing firm and fighting for what they had, what they could have, what is staring them in the face – if they would only open their eyes and really look.

Have the women ( mainly mothers – I think) in their lives failed them and only taught them  just to take and not give.  Have they never been taught the basics?  Have they only learnt to expect the world to provide for them on an emotional level rather than to be responsible for their share of the providing?  What has happened in our ‘society’ that we now seem to be producing so many Lost Boys.

They ‘appear’ in all walks of life. In fact even some of the most amazingly successful business men seem to suddenly crumble and fail when it comes to the one of the most important things in their lives – their relationship with their wife.  The person they supposedly committed to for life.

Faced with a decline in – say – passion in their marriage they run. And – oh yes – they don’t run until someone new rolls up and offers them a refuge to run to.   Then rather than take responsibility for their lack of commitment they fire out all the old cliches.

“My wife doesn’t understand me”,
“I can’t talk to you”,
“The sex was OK but just physical – there was no love”
“You don’t listen”

Yes they blame.  They blame; they don’t take responsibility. They take; they don’t give.  And having taken and taken and not got what they perceive is their right to have, they go bouncing off to take from someone new.  And leave a trail of destruction behind.

Quite a few MEN visit this blog  (Counting Ducks, AJ, and others (My LC included – clearly!!) – I hope you don’t mind me ‘naming’ you!) – so guys this is not directed at you!  In fact what would be great is if you would please clone yourselves and go out and repopulate the world.  Because the world is in great need of you.

Well, at the very least,  I know I am (and I don’t think I’m alone)!  Because I want a giver and a sharer, not a taker.

I want my man (when I find him) to be a Man!

 

The debate continues

(Please feel free to add to this debate through the comments box!  Several people have!)

Stephen has added a comment to my post Real Men don’t cheat. So my question is: Can a weak man learn to become a Real Man? I am finding this very interesting. Given what happened to my marriage! Can men learn to become Real Men? Can they ‘let go’ of all the things that caused them to behave in the terrible, deceitful way, to run, to cheat, to behave in such a low, self-pitying manner and actually work at turning themselves around?  Can they ‘stand up and be counted’. Look the world in the eye and really and honestly commit with determination and passion to becoming who they say they want to be.

Or are they too scared of admitting they were wrong.  And it’s all easier to live in the comfort of being weak.  After all there are women ‘out there’ who think that being in charge and dominant, domineering and controlling is the thing to be in this age of equality.  Some relish being so.  So weak men can continue to be weak and marginally unhappy, and spend their lives wondering why things aren’t quite right.

I know what I’m talking about as Alex ‘pushed’ me into that role. A role I truly didn’t want or enjoy.  A role I don’t want to end up in again.

By the way, just to be clear, I’m not expecting Alex to change! And if he actually did really commit, with the passion and determination I believe he would need, to becoming a real man it is by no means certain that I would even consider a life with him again. I don’t actually think he’s got it in him to do so! And what I want – what I really, really want(!) is a REAL MAN!  Because I rather fancy being a REAL WOMAN!!

Real men don’t cheat

Today my Life Coach, Stephen, has written on
Women Want A Real Man.

How true.

To this I would add “Real men DON’T cheat”.  Because they actually give rather than take. Giving is easy when everything in the garden is rosy, the sex is great and life is going along fine.  But the fact that two people voluntarily opt to spend the rest of their lives together means that there will be moments when things get a bit de-railed.  When one or both wake in the middle of the night and look at the sleeping figure next to them and think ‘I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with that!!’

Then of course along comes someone new.  Someone who now slips under the moral radar –  as one or both of the partnership is questioning whether things should be different.  That someone who is doing different things, forging their own path and that path suddenly becomes fascinating; the solution to all the sameness that has been around for the last ‘n’ years.  New views on life. New body to explore….. I could go on, but I’m sure you all know what I mean.

So rather than re-enliven the current relationship. To take time to understand the person they’re with, the cheat chooses the other route.  How much more fun to go off and have a new lot of fun with someone else.  And why on earth shouldn’t they. After all we are only on this planet once.  I get the feeling the cheat justifies all these actions to himself.

The Real Man, takes time to actually stop in his tracks and ‘work’ at what he’s got.  Seeks guidance, communicates, listens and puts in that effort. He gives.  The rewards – as Stephen says – are stunning.  Growth is regained.  Life, love, fun and happiness renewed.

All I ever wanted from Alex was for him to be the man I so desperately wanted him to be. And had he done so he would have seen a ‘me’ that gave beyond his wildest dreams.  Such a shame he chose to fail.

So to all men I say this.  Real men don’t cheat, they give.  And in return Real Women give back!