How Time is to me

I visualise time.

I see the early 20th century as a place far behind me, slightly to the right and way below where I am now.  The century travels upwards along a path. Sometimes there are stairs; sometimes just a path. Events happen to the left, right and along the path.

I visualise the time before I was born as way below me. A place my parents had to climb  up from to  reach the day when I arrived.

The path isn’t straight.  It meanders over to the left and back to the right. But always behind.

My childhood is captured in my mind’s eye  by a myriad of images; some still; some moving.  My parents, my brothers, my friends, my schools, college, my first job and so on.  On upwards goes the path.  I can turn and look back and see it there behind  and below me.  I can hear my parents’ voices; my school song.  Fleeting clips which are all part of me.  I can hear my father playing the piano.

I can smell my mother’s perfume.  I can smell the smell of the burned out wreck of our house the day after it was consumed by fire in 1982.

I can feel various moments which were special.  The thrill of going solo in a glider. Moments of giggles with some member of the family…….   Lots

The change of the century triggered a flat piece of road.  How interesting!  But the road ceases to climb very steeply. More of a shallow incline, if at all.  It runs through various landscapes.  Mostly captured through the amazing holidays Alex and I had. But it definitely doesn’t climb!. It is however, filled with lots of sunshine.  And a feeling of incredible peace but also occasional insecurity.

Then came the crash and I was pitchforked into my Chilean Mine.  And yes my time path does take a run downhill.  Into the dark.  I can actually see me in the dark. Lost.  My journey out is diaried here in great detail!  All I know is that how I see it now is me moving through many dark passageways but always being led by someone in front with a candle or torch  lighting the way and guiding me away from the dead-ends towards the exit – and always climbing. Always encouraging me to climb, almost forcing me on.   Out into a certain amount of light and then a big climb to where I am now. My past catching at my heels.

Strange!

I’ve no idea what triggered this post today. Something did!

Safely remembering the past

I suppose that’s when I’ll know I really have ‘come through’ and ‘out the other side’ of the horror tunnel!  When I can safely and comfortably look back on those 17 years and remember all the good times, the ups and downs, look at all the fantastic photos we took of those unbelievable holidays, the video we made of our journey through the Central Kalahari Game Reserve on our own,  without feeling I’m throwing myself back into my ‘Chilean Mine’.

I would really love to be able to have that detached feeling about it all. That ‘gosh that was nice, I enjoyed that’ and nothing more. As if I’d been out to a lovely party or had a really good meal.

For a long time I’ve wondered if men are better at this detached view on life, but I’m not sure they are.  Maybe some people just are, be they men or women.  And are they really, or is it a defense mechanism they’ve created for themselves to enable them to cope?

So what is coping?  Is it an ability to close the door on the past and not open it again and just look forward.  I know looking forward is good!   The “The situation I’m in is the situation I’m in – and wishing I wasn’t won’t make one iota of difference to it”  statement is one we all need to acknowledge and then use positively BUT sometimes I wish I could be one of those who appear to be able to look at the past like a pleasant meal and nothing more.  But there again do I?  After all that must be so shallow, so lacking in passion.  Maybe – ultimately – they are the ones who miss out.  Maybe coping is all they’re capable of.  Maybe running life on the flat with no highs is all they want and need from life.

So for me coping is not enough.    Hell I want a bit of passion!

OK I know I’ll get there. I’ll get what I want!  Maybe I’m just impatient!  Maybe I’m closer than I think!

But I would love to be able to feel I could look at the photos, to look back and remember and not feel that horrendous wrench for what we had (it’s OK I haven’t dared look yet!!).

(Sorry for the waffle!  I had no idea where this post would end up when I started! And just in case you’re wondering – I’m not feeling miserable this morning – just a bit analytical! )