This is a key issue with me. As I found out this morning.
And I keep updating this post!
At work I have achieved a great deal by believing I was right but also – if not almost certainly – not being flexible enough.
Result – I am known to be a bit of a tyrant!
In the last few weeks I think I have – almost subconsciously – become more flexible and shown a softer more understanding side to me.
Result – more cheerful staff. I still put my foot down when it matters but I think I have become more approachable.
When I am not at work I appear to want to be everything to everyone. I am far too flexible. I bend with the wind in my wish to feel significant, liked and wanted.
Result: I don’t respect me. I am left feeling hurt, and, I think, defensive. After all I have been totally over-flexible to Alex. For the last 22 months I have allowed him to think he can come back. I haven’t set him or me any boundaries (well when I have I’ve broken them!). And now neither of us respects me.
(Update at 8.45pm!) In fact I realise how fundamental this was in my marriage. As Alex claims he was always agreeing with me rather than saying how he felt – so he was being too flexible as well! Good grief no wonder we got so mixed up! Neither of us had any rules!
And another thing – and I am being brutally honest now which I seem to have a wish to be here as I blog!!
I’m not sure if it’s all to do with Flexibility but I know – deep down – I also agree with people when I don’t deep inside agree at all. And I know when I’m doing it. Because I do it a great deal. I even do it in my life coaching sessions. I don’t think so much now. I do hope not. But I did in the beginning. I used to say I understood when I didn’t. I used to say things had changed when they hadn’t.
When change really happened it was clearly obvious. As in my 6ft and 30 seconds moment when I really did experience a massive – mind blowing – change. But sometimes I cheat myself which is ludicrous. And it’s so odd as I spend most of my time “Saying it how it is” so why on earth do I do it. I don’t need to, especially as the only person who suffers when I do, is me.
Why do I have this tendency to agree with people because I feel I should. I don’t do it all the time. I don’t do it at work.
I wonder if I only do it when I don’t feel safe or secure?
So now I have to learn
I have to learn to trust myself to set rules on this value of Flexibility which appears to have become distorted and has stopped me respecting myself. This is incredibly scary as I have been doing this all my life in my quest to get others to like me (or so my mind reckoned).
I see not doing this as a very lonely place. Which is silly – it won’t make a blind bit of difference to those who genuinely like me and like having me around them.
And to those who don’t like me. Well – no change there then!
So I have to find within me a rule on flexibility which I am happy and comfortable with, which I can trust and which gives me respect for me.
Now clearly, I can’t just decide on The Rule. Not out of thin air. So, presumably, I will find this Rule as I come across situations every day where I need to be flexible or where I know that by being over flexible I won’t have respect for me.
Does this sound complicated or confusing? It sort-of doesn’t to me!! Oh well, onwards and upwards as the saying goes! I just hope I understood what I was ‘taught’ this morning. But no doubt a certain person will put me right if I haven’t!
And I’ve got more Values homework again!! And I know – I’m supposed to be working just now. I have done some this afternoon! Really!!
And on top of all this – I am now having physio and acupuncture on my leg to see if that will help. Or it may be a trip back to the surgeon – which I promise you I really don’t want.
Toodle pip for now!