Blogging Etiquette!!

Good morning, dear readers.

I have had to take a sad step with my blog today.  I have had to take the step of moderating all comments before they become public.  This has been a hard decision to take and not one I have taken lightly.  But due to some extremely inappropriate and malicious commenting by one reader I’ve had no option.

I created this blog initially to give me the place where I could ‘write out’ my thoughts,  feelings and emotions.  A place where I had the freedom to say what I liked.  I then discovered I could help others going through the same traumas. Then various other readers have come along as they enjoy reading my ramblings on various topics.

What I will not allow this blog to become is a platform for others to air their ill-formed and malicious views.  Clearly this particular reader has their own issues to deal with.  Being amazingly rude on the pages of my blog is not the place to sort them out!

Don’t get me wrong,  I am quite happy to read differing points of view providing they are said respectfully  and we can have a mature debate on the subject.  This has, in fact, happened on several occasions and been useful for those following those debates!

Respect for a person’s space and their views on life is what I’ve always adhered to.  If I read a blog which I don’t necessarily agree with or I don’t feel I can add something constructive or cheerful to then I don’t comment.  It would be rude to do so!!

As I say it’s only been one reader, and she will know all too well who she is as I’ve removed her two comments this morning. The conversation was going nowhere and was bringing the ethos of this blog into question.

Hopefully in a few weeks I can return it to the freedom it had before!

To all my other lovely readers I say “Keep smiling” !  I do love your comments and your visits here.  I should add your comments will be published once I’ve approved them!!

Have a lovely Saturday

It’s a struggle at the moment

I know I keep saying Focus and ask How and What questions.  Well I should really practice what I preach.

But these past few days have been a real struggle.  I’ve always claimed that anniversaries are not important.  But I fear me I rather let myself down on this one.  It was 2 years ago yesterday that Alex blurted out that he felt our marriage hadn’t got a future.  Two years ago when we set off along this slippery path with him saying he just wanted to sort his mind out,  then he wanted to split, then he didn’t, then he did and so on.

So despite having a lovely evening out yesterday and going for a walk with the same friends this morning and then having a lovely brunch – I am feeling a bit tearful.

Which  is SO SO STUPID.

And this isn’t attention seeking.  I actually don’t want to talk or be with anyone.  I wish I knew where these moods come from and  I wish I could stop them.

I look through all the notes that my LC gives me and I am doing all the things I’m not supposed to!  Which is incredibly silly – not to mention a total waste of money!  Probably the only reason he hasn’t wrung my neck by now is I’m paying him not to!!

Gosh this is a dreary post isn’t it, dear reader!  I am horrified.  Now I could delete it but that would be cheating!

Enough of the whinge.  A bit of feeling grateful won’t come amiss.

As I agreed with Stephen last week.  The values I need to give myself are as follows in order of importance

Starting on the left when I give myself the ones listed (working from the bottom of the list up in levels of importance), I then get the ones in the middle and then I achieve the one on the right:

So turning my mind to more cheerful thoughts – I have a new mobile phone which is touch screen and very confusing!   I haven’t worked out how to receive or end a call yet – which does seem a rather basic requirement!  I can – apparently – surf the net, comment on facebook and do all manner of exciting and surprising things with it!  Typing texts and making calls I am sure must be easy – I just haven’t managed that – yet!

I have had a friend come and investigate my router problems.  It looks as though it could be

  1. BT not supplying the level of broadband they should
  2. A new laptop
  3. A new router

What I hope is that it isn’t 2 &/or  3 – which sound rather expensive!

How and What rather than Why

Another LC session – and I take another step up my ‘mountain’ or perhaps it really is just a hill!

As usual I’ve been ‘unstuck’ and so I move!  

I’ve been asking myself lots of Why questions.  As in Why is my life like this? Why have I ended up in this situation?  Why is my mind fighting me? (as that’s what it has felt like).

So I am now going to practise How and What questions to myself when I find I’m going into the ‘pain’ place.

Questions like:

“How can I make my evenings more fun?”

“What steps can I take to enjoy life more and smile and laugh and be happy?”

As asking these types of questions is far more empowering than asking Why – which is very blocking.  And as I know:  You get what you focus on!

I’ve also taken the first steps in suggesting people respect me more.  Today in the lunch queue one of the young graduates was teasing me – he apologized when he realised what he’d done!  But I told him that actually teasing is a great compliment – people never tease those they don’t like!  So we had a lovely amusing chat until one of the managers joined the queue and pointed out how she felt I was bossy, forthright ……   So I stopped her in mid-sentence and said “No, I won’t have that said about me – as it’s hurtful and unkind, so please don’t!”  and because I said it with a smile and a laugh she took it in very good part and apologised!

Success!   One down – several more to go!!

Respect

I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought over the last few days.

I have always been honest about how I see myself   – and I have always told other people – probably to seek approval and confirmation that I’m OK – but I’ve also highlighted my faults – which is ludicrous.   How many other people do I know who spend their time telling everyone  their faults and perceived character failings or defects  – hardly any and actually those that do, I find I have very little respect for.

Bingo Caroline!

It now dawns on me that I’ve spent great swathes of my life inadvertently inviting criticism and of course I’ve been given it.  I’ve allowed people to cross a boundary which they would never dream of crossing with anyone else.

I gave them permission to tell me what they think of me.  To judge me.   And having been given that permission they did.

Well no longer.  I am a confident, self-assured, funny (above everything else – funny!!)  woman and it’s about time I reminded everyone!

So my boundary is set.  I will no longer tolerate this pervasive destruction of my character which I find rude and belittling.

Would they like it  if I did it to them.  No.  And they would be very surprised if I did.

I respect me for who I am.  I will no longer allow people permission to destroy me and undermine my confidence.

I don’t think I will have to tell them.  I shall just stop them in their tracks.  My life is my life and how I live it is down to me.

I shall just bat their criticism into the long grass with a smile and a gentle reminder of who I am.

This may take time and those that enjoy and are used to destroying my character may find it a bit uncomfortable for a time. But if they are genuinely my friends they will still love me and probably love me more and if they don’t like the new me – well that’s their loss!!

It’s weird as here – on my blog – I am not this over flexible person at all!!

So I just need to practice what I write!!

xxx

What is it with “friends”…

What is it with some people?  And by this I mean people who know me – personally – have met me and who I thought I counted as my friends…  who then feel they have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.  How I should be behaving and – even – how or how not I should spend my income!

This doesn’t apply to everyone and certainly not any of you who come here to my blog.  Hence I can say what I feel here!

But there is a contingent of my so called friends who are continually questioning why I am going to Life Coaching.  They feel they can tell me what I should be doing, even – one case this week – stopped me  – physically – from running my fingers through my hair.   And I might add doing that is all part of me being me!  I like doing it!!  And I shall stop when I want to – and not before!!  It’s my choice!

So what gives them that right to try and ‘run’ me?

Perhaps I do.  Unintentionally maybe.  But maybe I allow them – without realising I do it  – to critisize me and run roughshod over me as I never stand up and say “Enough is enough”  or point out gently – that it’s none of their business.  I think I get too scared of upsetting them – when all that happens is I get upset and feel belittled!  Well I don’t like it.  I wouldn’t dream of telling them how to run their lives or what they should or shouldn’t do or say.  I wouldn’t consider it any of my business.  Who am I to judge them?

And as to the so called ‘friend’  who  earlier this week, dismissed my revelation on what happened to me at 15 with the statement “Are you sure it really did?  Perhaps you have had the idea planted in your mind and you are just imagining it”.  What gave her that right?   I am feeling indignant.

Very gently and politely I am going to make a stand.  Enough is enough.  Those people (and there aren’t actually that many) who feel they can do this will be – gently and kindly – asked to stop.  I shan’t be rude.  But I shall be firm.

I will not have my values compromised by me – or anyone else.  If they have no respect for me then sobeit.  I have respect for me and it starts with being firmer with how I am treated by these people. (And thank you Stephen for pointing this out to me yesterday – It was tough to take it on board but I can see you are right! – Which rather answers the questions as to why I am going to Life Coaching and why I shall continue to go as long as he feels I need to – you see it’s working for me – brilliantly – and that is actually all that matters!)

And you dear readers are far more sensible and intelligent – your comments and advice is treasured and really appreciated.  I just  need to sort out a select few of my local ‘friends’!!

Update:  And maybe if I do this my mind will let me sleep – for more than 2 nights in a row!!!  Which is STILL the problem.  For 2 nights I slept OK  – last night – sadly not!

Flexibility…Too much or not enough

This is a key issue with me.  As I found out this morning.
And I keep updating this post!

Not enough:

At work I have achieved a great deal by believing I was right  but also –  if not almost certainly – not being flexible enough.

Result – I am known to be a bit of a tyrant!

In the last few weeks I think I have – almost subconsciously – become more flexible and shown a softer more understanding side to me.

Result – more cheerful staff.  I still put my foot down when it matters but I think I have become more approachable.

Too Much:

When I am not at work I appear to want to be everything to everyone.  I am far too flexible.  I bend with the wind in my wish to feel significant, liked and wanted.

Result:  I don’t respect me.  I am left feeling hurt, and, I think, defensive.  After all I have been totally over-flexible to Alex.  For the last 22 months I have allowed him to think he can come back.  I haven’t set him or me any boundaries (well when I have I’ve broken them!).  And now neither of us respects me.

(Update at 8.45pm!)  In fact I realise how fundamental this was in my marriage. As Alex claims he was always agreeing with me rather than saying how he felt – so he was being too flexible as well!  Good grief no wonder we got so mixed up!  Neither of us had any rules!

And another thing  – and I am being brutally honest now which  I seem to have a wish to be here as I blog!!

I’m not sure if it’s all to do with Flexibility but I know – deep down – I also agree with people when I don’t deep inside agree at all.  And I know when I’m doing it.  Because I do it a great deal.  I even do it in my life coaching sessions.  I don’t think so much now.  I do hope not.  But I did in the beginning.  I used to say I understood when I didn’t. I used to say things had changed when they hadn’t.

When change really happened it was clearly obvious. As in my 6ft and 30 seconds moment when I really did experience a massive – mind blowing – change.  But sometimes I cheat myself  which is ludicrous.  And it’s so odd as I spend most of my time “Saying it how it is” so why on earth do I do it.  I don’t need to, especially as the only person who suffers when I do, is me.

Why do I have this tendency to agree with people because I feel I should.  I don’t do it all the time.  I don’t do it at work.

I wonder if I only do it when I don’t feel safe or secure?

Anyway:

So now I have to learn

I have to learn to trust myself to set rules on this value of Flexibility which appears to have become distorted and has stopped me respecting myself.  This is incredibly scary as I have been doing this all my life in my quest to get others to like me (or so my mind reckoned).

I see not doing this as a very lonely place. Which is silly – it won’t make a blind bit of difference to those who genuinely like me and like having me around them.

And to those who don’t like me.  Well – no change there then!

So I have to find within me a rule on flexibility which  I am happy and comfortable with, which I can trust and which gives me respect for me.

Now clearly, I can’t just decide on The Rule.  Not out of thin air.  So, presumably, I will find this Rule as I come across situations every day where I need to be flexible or where I know that by being over flexible I won’t have respect for me.

Does this sound complicated or confusing?  It sort-of doesn’t to me!!  Oh well, onwards and upwards as the saying goes!  I just hope I understood what I was ‘taught’ this morning.  But no doubt a certain person will put me right if I haven’t!

And I’ve got more Values homework again!!  And I know – I’m supposed to be working just now.  I have done some this afternoon!  Really!!

And on top of all this – I am now having physio and acupuncture on my leg to see if that will help.  Or it may be a trip back to the surgeon – which I promise you I really don’t want.

Anyway

Toodle pip for now!

xxxx