Phew! I’m beginning to feel safe again

The absence of ‘B’ from my emails, text and voicemails is such a release and a relief.  I hadn’t realised how scared, insecure and unsafe I’d begun to feel until all this stopped.

I haven’t heard anything from him since Wednesday night when he texted – and I ignored him.

It’s taken a few days for that feeling approaching terror to pass, but passing it is.  In fact last night I really enjoyed being in my little house again.  I opened the curtains and enjoyed the view.  I began to start to feel safe again.  It’s only now I realise how truly scared and trapped I’d felt.

What is scary though is how someone can suddenly ‘come on so strong’ – and with what felt to me a desire to rule my life, to take over and try and control and take charge of what I do.  And all in the name of caring and giving (his words).  I felt truly hounded. I felt as if he was trying to possess me.  I felt assaulted all over again – though he never touched me.

I felt I had to hide in my house with the curtains drawn in case he turned up.  OK I know I gave myself these feelings but his actions created them.

Hopefully as the days pass I will regain my composure and the  feeling of safety and security I need to have.  This has been a very un-nerving and extremely unsettling experience.  No wonder I’ve found sleep difficult!

Love, significance and security

That’s what I want!

Do I love myself?  – Sometimes yes, sometimes not.  Some days I blame myself for all of this.  Which isn’t exactly loving myself is it!

Do I crave significance?   Not as much as I used to. When I first started the life coaching is seemed to loom large as something I needed.  Now it doesn’t hit top slot.  It’s still high though.

Security.   I definitely do get many days of feeling very insecure!

Perhaps all this is part of the healing process.  Which I’m now having to do on my own.  I suppose it was always going to be something I did ‘on my own’.  Though the LC sessions definitely helped.

Why do I still want Alex back?  Now there’s a question that so many ask me and only I know the answer to!

And the answer is – we were having such fun!  At least I was.  And I can’t believe I could have been if he wasn’t too.  And as I follow my LCs frequent posts on various aspects of relationship breakdown and repair I still shout at the screen “Why couldn’t we have followed his advice and thrown ourselves into making something more of a relationship which – yes – had problems and issues – but whose low was nowhere near as low as some.  And if others manage to find true happiness from a much lower start point why couldn’t we?”

And as to love.  I want to be loved again  – big time!!

So I’ve been having an analysing moment.  Better stop now as I’m not going to get any answers!

I’m off out to dinner!

today’s update……(updated!)

The truth is still the truth but can be looked at from different angles.

I have been looking at my ‘truth’ from a rather negative perspective.  Which is silly really because focusing on the negatives only gives me more negatives and pain.

So I shall continue looking at my ‘truth’ but now from a positive perspective.  And a positive perspective can only give me more positives and so pleasure.

Hi everyone – I’ve just returned from a good, calming, gentle, at moments very tearful, Life Coaching session.

I have been ‘talking’ to the different versions of me. (and do click on this link – it’s one of my better posts!!!) I’ve given the 15 yr old me a hug.  I have cared for the 15 yr old me.  I’ve cried a great deal over what happened.  But it’s been really good.

And all I am going to concern myself with over the next 10 days is moving house.  Which in itself is enough for anyone to deal with.

The last week has been a grieving process – something I hadn’t allowed to happen until now as – up until a few weeks ago – I’d put my life on hold as I hoped that Alex and I still had a future.  OK I know I kept saying we didn’t but I tell you what – dear reader – we both know I secretly hoped we did!!

So I’ve had a good cry!  I’ve laughed a bit.  I feel a great deal calmer.  A million times calmer than I did on Monday or even Wednesday this week.

And why this joke should pop into my mind just now goodness knows.  But it has – and I have been smiling ever since I thought of it  (and by the way this is not to trivialise what happened to me or anyone else who has been a victim of sexual assault or  abuse – as that is totally not possible to do – I know –  as I know how I feel and the effect it has had on me.  It’s just a way of lightening the burden) :

Question: “What is the difference between rape and seduction?”

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Answer:  “Salesmanship”

I’m beginning to see…

I’m beginning to see why I have been so stuck emotionally these last 22 months.

Why I have clung to my failed marriage and the hope of Alex returning – like a drowning man to a life raft.

I couldn’t see any other option.  Because my marriage and Alex represented – for me – security. That safe haven where I was protected.

In fact I now believe (with the help of several emails from Stephen, my life coach, today) that security was more important to me than love. So although I do love Alex –  more importantly he represented security, so I felt safe.

He is totally opposite from the man I “encountered” when I was 15.

Alex was supposed to be my rock, my oak tree, the man who would protect me and ensure no harm came to me.  So when he cheated and lied and did what he did and removed that security blanket I couldn’t cope.  I was prepared to do – or to be – anything to get that ‘blanket’ back.

So letting go (words that I hate as they represent lack of security) has been totally impossible.

But now.  Now I have faced what happened to me and what effect it has had on me I can at least learn and deal with it and create a new future for myself where I can be secure in myself .

This is an interesting time.  Very scary.  But I am assured I will come through this.  And I am placing all my faith in those who assure me I will.

I have no other option.  I don’t want second best for the rest of my life!!

So to give this a positive spin.  It’s actually quite exciting!!

As I know from my “6 feet and 30 second” moment – I can pick all the fun things in life I want. I can be who I want to be.  I can do  what I want to do.

Maybe  – at last – I am close to actually being able to do these things!

xxx