Sorry but this seems to be a new stage I’m going through!
I just “Can’t be asked” and part of me just can’t be bothered.
This is incredibly childish! But I don’t appear to be able to shake it off.
I’ve felt like this for quite a while now (probably the last 2/3 weeks). I muster the energy to say the right things to people and smile and behave the way to make them feel I’m doing OK and making progress and that I’m climbing from “Ground Level” up to the top of my ‘mountain top’ but actually I’m not.
A large part of me just finds it too much effort. I really do feel I’ve reached a plateau.
I’ve been shown all the tools by my LC and I know right now ‘Massive Action’ is what I have to take. I’ve been shown other tools on how to focus, on creating goals, on making choices, on living by my values. I even understand that these are the things I need to live by; that this is the route I need to take.
But I am still convinced, to the core of my being, that this future is the wrong future. That for all his faults, and mine, that Alex and I were supposed to be together and could be amazingly happy together. That this ending is the wrong ending.
And yes, dear reader, I do know that I can do nothing about it. Alex has to see there was/is another option to the one he has chosen.
And I also know that until he does that I have to get on with my life and do things so I don’t turn into a miserable, apathetic(!), pathetic divorcee who whinges around and doesn’t do anything.
So I will go on smiling. I will go out. I will go on telling everyone I’m fine. And maybe one day I’ll believe it and it will be true.
It’s just – right now – it isn’t.
That’s all for now. No sympathy. It just is the way it is.