Apathy!

Sorry but this seems to be a new stage I’m going through!

I just “Can’t be asked” and part of me just can’t be bothered.

This is incredibly childish!   But I don’t appear to be able to shake it off.

I’ve felt like this for quite a while now (probably the last 2/3 weeks).  I muster the energy to say the right things to people and smile and behave the way to make them feel I’m doing OK and making progress and that I’m climbing from “Ground Level”  up to the top of my ‘mountain top’  but actually I’m not.

A large part of me  just finds it too much effort.  I really do feel I’ve reached a plateau.

I’ve been shown all the tools by my LC and I know right now ‘Massive Action’ is what I have to take.  I’ve been shown other tools on how to focus, on creating goals, on making choices, on living by my values.  I even understand that these are the things I need to live by; that this is the route I need to take.

But I am still convinced, to the core of my being, that this future  is the wrong future.  That for all his faults, and mine, that Alex and I were supposed to be together and could be amazingly happy together. That this ending is the wrong ending.

And yes, dear reader, I do know that I can do nothing about it.  Alex has to see there was/is another option to the one he has chosen.

And I also know that until he does that I have to get on with my life and do things so I don’t turn into a miserable, apathetic(!), pathetic divorcee who whinges around and doesn’t do anything.

So I will go on smiling.  I will go out.  I will go on telling everyone I’m fine.  And maybe one day I’ll believe it and it will be true.

It’s just – right now – it isn’t.

That’s all for now.  No sympathy.  It just is the way it is.

There are more Questions than Answers

And there really are more questions than answers in all this.

So many questions I want to ask so I can understand.

Most of them start with Why.  And Why is not a question I’m allowed to ask!

A lot more start with What.   And probably the same applies.   Of course they are all directed at Alex. Alex the man I thought would NEVER let me down.  Alex the man who won’t answer.  Alex the man who I believed would always be there for me.  Alex who isn’t.

So I have to stop running these questions in my head in the middle of every night, when I’m too tired and sleepy to control these wayward thoughts but too wide awake actually to go back to sleep!

And all this sounds as if I’m really down in the dumps this morning.  Actually I’m not – I’m OK.  Just in a very questioning mood!!

I WOULD SO LIKE TO HAVE SOME ANSWERS!!!

I’d better stop bashing away on this keyboard and get going.  I have a hair appointment to get to and lots of essential shopping I need to do.  So it’s off out into the rain!

No doubt I’ll write more later!!

xx

I thought I was in control of me!

I’d done so well today.  A bit of shopping.  A bit of pampering.  Even a short bike ride in the sun – OK only a mile – but I have to start somewhere and I certainly now realise how unfit I’ve become over this last year of no exercise!  I even found pumping up the tyres hard work – and as for cycling up a slight hill……  Well clearly a great deal more exercise is needed!!

Anyway just as I thought I had my emotions under control. That I was on the up. What happens but I get a card from Alex.  I was expecting a cheque but not the card.  And not the message:

“I wanted to write to say that I do want you to be happy and successful and I’m very sorry for all the distress I’ve caused – Love Alex”

My initial reaction was floods of tears!

So much for my “Alexometer” settling – as it has done over the last week or so – at the bottom of the scale.  Of course it shot back up to 8/9 !  Brilliant!

It doesn’t take a lot to make me wobble does it!

I need to keep busy.  Focused.  Forward looking.