Life Coaching booster!

Yes I’m just back from my 2hr session with Stephen.

I had my trusty list with me of all the questions I’d noted since deciding to become a life coach back last December!  Stephen was very helpful in going through the list and giving me answers to all my queries.

We also worked through the personal stuff I knew I needed to deal with and be coached through.  And yes it’s helped no end.  I couldn’t have done this on my own.  I knew I needed to be guided through it by someone who knew what to do and who I had total trust in, and this time I felt ready to do it. Ready to face what I needed to face and totally willing to allow the changes I needed to be put in place, to happen.  Going back through it in my mind was very emotional & for a while very tough.  But as I say 100% necessary for me.  I nearly ‘chickened out’ but Stephen didn’t let me (which I was relying on – I had to be certain he’d guide me through and not allow me to give up).  I  had a weep, but a necessary weep. I needed to cry.  And now I have an amazing feeling of release.  I can actually say 15 (the age when I was sexually molested) and not shudder at the number any more – and that’s an incredible feeling.

So thank you Stephen.  I had several moments of dithering when I attempted to divert you away from what I knew had to be done but was scared to face!   Thank you for sticking to your guns and guiding me through it all.  It was good!  I hope it was a good coaching moment for you too!!

Re-reading past posts and pages!

Good morning my dear readers.

I’ve just spent the last hour having a long re-read of this blog!!  I’ve read all the pages I created along the way.  I’ve gone over some of the old posts.

How extraordinarily therapeutic this has been.  Yes I’ve had a weep as I reminded myself of the dark catastrophic place I was in when I started out on this blogging marathon.  The Eureka Moments I’ve had along the way (and why do I think there still might be more to come?) have been wonderful to read.  Even though the 2nd has been so incredibly tough to acknowledge and will need – one day – to be faced and dealt with.

It is true – I have come a long way!

But I still want more.  And the great thing is that having reminded myself of how far I have come I now realise that I can get the rest!!!  After all – all I need to do is double the ‘distance’!

I hope the sun is shining on your day today.  It looks as though, finally, the sun is about to shine here in the UK.

Have a lovely day everyone.  Now I must get going and not waste this day by sitting about doing very little!!

Update on my evening

Good evening, dear reader! My soon-to-be-ex has been here all evening being very helpful sorting out the PC problems. He has resolved a lot of the issues and left the PCs talking to each other and all the data copying across from one to the other. But as he’s having one of them he will be back on Saturday to take it. So not out of the woods yet, so to speak.

We also had a long discussion about what happened to me when I was 15 and what effect that had on me.  But also – because I never mentioned it – how he felt.  And he felt that I pushed him away and rejected  him and  that he felt we didn’t have the intimacy we should have had.  And because he also finds it difficult to talk about things he didn’t know how to discuss it either.  Gosh what a mess we got ourselves into.

I tell you that man who did what he did to me all those years ago has a lot to answer for.

Anyway all I can do now is focus on my future.  A few positive thoughts is what I need now.

After all – damn it – we may have had problems but he didn’t exactly show a great deal of respect for me by going off and having (and is  still having) an affair.  I am not the only one with issues here!!!   He needs to sort himself out too!

And why I should have had a burning ambition to giggle when he suggested I went and got help to sort out my ‘freezing problem’ I don’t know – I think it’s because I have talked it through here and also with my LC and I am not sure what other help I can have.  Practical is the only other one (which is what made me giggle!)  – So what am I supposed to do – put out an SOS for volunteers??  Criteria are:  Must be good looking, single, expert lover and virile!!  Sorry Alex – if you ever read this – I know you sincerely meant the best for me  which I really do appreciate – but putting an amusing slant on  things has always been my ‘failing’!!

More revelations…..

Just when you think everything has come to the surface more of the infection bubbles up.

Now this no doubt is a good thing – and it is. I can see that!

But what I have just remembered is more of what happened during this ‘incident’ – the one when I was 15. And you can read about that – dear reader – by delving about in this blog! – Which has the added bonus of giving you something to do and also pushing up my visitor hit rate – so we both win!!

What this man did was try to persuade me to enjoy it – not just by what he did but what he said as well. And I have a suspicion I tried to comply, but couldn’t. And when I couldn’t he told me I was a failure. So actually that’s worse than what I originally remembered. But you know, it kind of helps knowing. Actually Truth is so useful. I can use this knowledge to help myself. So although it does make me shudder. It’s OK.

And – just an aside – said with a grin – it’s such a shame the man’s already dead! I’d kill him if he wasn’t!!! And somehow I feel I should be first in line!!

BTW I’ve written to Alex and told him all about it. Goodness knows what he will make of it. That’s for him to sort out in his mind. For reasons I can’t explain it became of the utmost importance that he knew. So I told him. End of story!!

And – dear reader – if you want to know more about my LC – I’ve now added a link (under my Links list on the right)  from here to his web site. So you can all zoom off there for a little browse! Enjoy! But do come back here!!

today’s update……(updated!)

The truth is still the truth but can be looked at from different angles.

I have been looking at my ‘truth’ from a rather negative perspective.  Which is silly really because focusing on the negatives only gives me more negatives and pain.

So I shall continue looking at my ‘truth’ but now from a positive perspective.  And a positive perspective can only give me more positives and so pleasure.

Hi everyone – I’ve just returned from a good, calming, gentle, at moments very tearful, Life Coaching session.

I have been ‘talking’ to the different versions of me. (and do click on this link – it’s one of my better posts!!!) I’ve given the 15 yr old me a hug.  I have cared for the 15 yr old me.  I’ve cried a great deal over what happened.  But it’s been really good.

And all I am going to concern myself with over the next 10 days is moving house.  Which in itself is enough for anyone to deal with.

The last week has been a grieving process – something I hadn’t allowed to happen until now as – up until a few weeks ago – I’d put my life on hold as I hoped that Alex and I still had a future.  OK I know I kept saying we didn’t but I tell you what – dear reader – we both know I secretly hoped we did!!

So I’ve had a good cry!  I’ve laughed a bit.  I feel a great deal calmer.  A million times calmer than I did on Monday or even Wednesday this week.

And why this joke should pop into my mind just now goodness knows.  But it has – and I have been smiling ever since I thought of it  (and by the way this is not to trivialise what happened to me or anyone else who has been a victim of sexual assault or  abuse – as that is totally not possible to do – I know –  as I know how I feel and the effect it has had on me.  It’s just a way of lightening the burden) :

Question: “What is the difference between rape and seduction?”

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Answer:  “Salesmanship”