Sorry dear reader for the down moment.
Proves a point rather doesn’t it. Drink is a depressant! As my GP (doctor) told me it was. Too many glasses of wine and I pour it all out. But there again maybe it’s a good thing! And clearly poetic!
And now it’s 4.00 am YET AGAIN! Which also proves a point. Never mind what time I go to bed I wake up in the middle of the night. Actually at my last house it was 3.00am – so I appear to have moved into a different time zone by moving one mile up the road!!
I was out at a dinner party last night – a 60th birthday do for the husband of my great friend. A surprise party. It was OK – though rather bizarrely the guests were all her friends rather than his! Including her hairdresser!!! Bless her – I actually don’t think she realises she does this. To her we’re their friends – but actually we’re not. We’re hers! OK to a point – but there were none of his – and I’m sure he has some!! Anyway he seemed happy. It was only a small gathering.
And now it’s 5.00am and perhaps I’d better get some more sleep. Less than 4 hours is not going to be good later on today!
And there really are more questions than answers in all this.
So many questions I want to ask so I can understand.
Most of them start with Why. And Why is not a question I’m allowed to ask!
A lot more start with What. And probably the same applies. Of course they are all directed at Alex. Alex the man I thought would NEVER let me down. Alex the man who won’t answer. Alex the man who I believed would always be there for me. Alex who isn’t.
So I have to stop running these questions in my head in the middle of every night, when I’m too tired and sleepy to control these wayward thoughts but too wide awake actually to go back to sleep!
And all this sounds as if I’m really down in the dumps this morning. Actually I’m not – I’m OK. Just in a very questioning mood!!
I WOULD SO LIKE TO HAVE SOME ANSWERS!!!
I’d better stop bashing away on this keyboard and get going. I have a hair appointment to get to and lots of essential shopping I need to do. So it’s off out into the rain!
No doubt I’ll write more later!!
Or as my father would have said – ‘My Girl you are causing your own rough air’ – a good flying analogy to what I do to myself – far too often!
To explain: In flying this is when the trainee pilot moves the controls around far too much causing the plane/glider to jerk around the sky instead of flying smoothly. It feels as if it’s the fault of the air – when actually it isn’t.
But I am doing this to me. I know by shifting my focus I am causing myself mental ‘jerks’ in my life- ups and downs – which is not giving me a smooth ride. The problem is – like the trainee pilot – I haven’t quite mastered all the techniques to give myself that smooth ride.
In flying it’s far easier than you might think. As my dear father used to say – ‘When all else fails – do nothing – the glider will fly itself’ – which is true. I wonder if the same applies in life. It used to. It doesn’t now. My brain doesn’t allow that as an option – especially at 3.00am when I wake tense, unhappy and often with a splitting headache. Then my mind focuses on the ‘Pain’ and off I go on a rollercoaster of What Ifs and Whys which is so unproductive and not at all conducive to sleep!
I know focusing on my future is what I must keep hold of and not let go. I hate the dips I’m giving myself. It’s all rather unnerving and I feel I am letting myself down!
My Progress Line!
But I am doing a great deal better. I’m in a far better place than I was 6 months ago. I have the tools to keep going forwards and I want and need to do this ‘on my own’. Hence my decision to reduce my Life Coaching sessions to every two weeks rather than once a week. Apart from anything else I need more to discuss and talk about when I go!
My mind is being unkind!!
Either I don’t sleep – which is bad news OR
I dream – dreadful unsettling dreams – which is bad news!! Great! I so love night times!!
Last night I dreamt Alex and I were climbing a mountain through a forest. Lots of trees in our way and the path was very wet and slippery. For some reason we parted at one point and then spent a lot of time searching for each other. Occasionally we met up (good grief this is bearing a great resemblance to reality!) – but each time we did Alex kept telling me he’d been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (I have no idea where that came from – dreams can really be odd!) and so wasn’t capable of climbing the mountain or showing emotion.
This is all very well but I don’t exactly feel refreshed from a good night’s sleep.
And I am getting more excercise – I walked quite a bit in London on Saturday – OK I didn’t do much on Sunday but then it was freezing cold (that’s my excuse!). OK , OK – I need to do more and get fitter – I do know that! But I wasn’t going out cycling when it’s all icy – I sort of don’t need (or should that be “Kneed”) to do myself any more damage!
My Alexometer has been hovering around 2.00 – 3.00 for the last few days. Which is OK. It does go down on occasions when I just want to tell him to go to hell.
And yes I will admit to a Sunday evening dip when the Alexometer shot up briefly and I wished Alex was back – and no I don’t know what triggered it. It just happened.
I’m not down. I may sound it today but I truly am not – and I am being honest (as I always am here! – Sometimes, some of you may feel, too honest!!).
It’s just that I don’t feel like laughing, giggling or cracking jokes at the moment. As I said in my previous post – I just feel drained.
I do hope this doesn’t last long! Maybe I’m just worn out!! I’m very good at expecting more from me than I get!!
And I had hoped I’d be sleeping better once I’d moved (but I’m back to having to ‘knock’ myself out if I want a good night’s sleep) ……
Maybe once I’ve moved I’ll be able to sleep. As – yet again – here I am in the middle of the night when I should be sound asleep, writing away in an attempt to make myself tired enough to go back to bed and sleep.
Everything seems SO surreal. Moving. Divorce. My future.
OK not as surreal as it used to be but, just now, it does feel as though I’m caught in some sort of dream that isn’t mine. I’m in someonelse’s.
Something attacked us – well Alex really. It’s a bit like a computer virus – it’s attacked Alex and changed him as a person at a profound level. It’s brought all his insecurities to the front and won’t let him function as he’s supposed to – or as he wants to.
And as for me! Well I just can’t SLEEP! And just now I feel I should be enjoying every minute of the time I have left living here – and be awake to do so – which again is SO stupid!
I need to be fit and well this weekend – not dragging myself around over tired. I wish I had a sleep widget I could click!!
And I have done everything I can: I’ve used my aromatherapy spray for my pillow, I have been through the meditation exercise, I have done the EFT (see things that help page). I have done some packing (liar Caroline – you’ve looked at the boxes!), and I’ve done some writing!
And now I’d better go back to bed before I get too cold
This is a definite mid night ramble. Sorry.