It’s served its purpose

For several weeks now I’ve been pondering as to whether my blog has run its course.  It’s served its purpose and maybe it’s time to let it rest.

I don’t know. 

I never expected it to be so therapeutic.  I never expected to get the readership it has.  Wonderful people who I have empathised with and who have supported, encouraged, cajoled and nurtured me.  It has been humbling and amazingly touching.  You have been the people I shared every twist and turn of emotion with.  To whom I’ve bared my soul as I’ve searched for answers, faced things that I didn’t know I needed to face,   as I hunted for my route back to happiness.

I owe all of you a massive debt of gratitude.  Without meeting most of you I’ve nonetheless come to feel I know you all so well.

We’ve had fun along the way. You’ve made me smile and laugh. You’ve cheered me on when all I could do is weep!   I look back on the great discussions that took place here.  The fact that although we’ve had differences of opinion we have respected those opinions and chosen the words we have written with great respect for each other.  Thank you.

I owe a massive debt of gratitude to Stephen my life coach who gave so much of his time freely, either here on this blog or in the copious number of emails, texts and telephone calls.  I believe knowing about this blog helped him coach me because he could watch my mood swings and was able to (and did) pick up when I wobbled.  His incredible dedication and support to his clients is amazing.

Without him and the type of coaching he provided I would never have found my new direction in life.  One I am increasingly excited about and one which I know will meet my values head-on.

Yes I am now flying – sometimes I soar.  I don’t want this blog to pull me back.  It is in danger of being an anchor still linking me to the ground!    I’m not sure why.  It is what it is.

I am not going to disappear into the ether. I shall continue to follow all your blogs.  Try stopping me!!  I shall continue to comment when I feel I have something constructive, funny or amusing to say.  Or I feel I can be a valuable support.  But for now I don’t see me posting here.  I could be wrong. 

As it stands right now it has mapped my route from near suicide to the place of happiness I’m now in.  One I would have reached a lot earlier had Alex not dithered about coming back and fed me confusing messages on how he felt. But it was the way it was.  For me my space here now has a feeling of completeness.  (Feel free to disagree dear reader!)

I have a sister blog to this one which I’m considering activating.  One which is free of the angst of my past.  One which could be there for fun, silly stories and the new me.  I’m thinking about it!!  I do like writing so maybe that will be my answer!

So, for now,  a massive number of hugs to you all.  My special blogland friends.  You have inspired me and been there for me and for that I can’t find words to express how touched I’ve been.

This is how I see it today.

Tomorrow everything could be different…………………………!!

Caroline
xxxx

Growth with a capital G

Growth – currently my second most important Value. After Love!  Though whether this is the right way round or not I still ponder over!!

Anyway when your Values are in order and you’re living by them then Growth happens.  Or it should do, I think!  Personal Growth.  Spiritual Growth (and by that I don’t mean Religious – well for me it doesn’t).   It means Growth within oneself!

Humans need Growth I believe or life becomes stale.  I believe Relationships need to Grow to remain passionate – which I presume is what those in relationships want!  And those of us not in relationships quite fancy!

I nearly missed out on Growth this week!  In fact if I’m brutally honest (which I usually am here) I probably wasn’t the best I could have been with my “hanging on to Significance, Cordiality and Fairness” brothers!  But at the 11th hour – thanks to some Strategic Intervention – I rescued Growth and it’s given me a little buzz and tingle in my tummy!!  (OK  that sounds as though I’ve finally flipped – but that’s where the feeling is!! – and no raised eyebrow suggestions please!!!)

Sometimes to experience Growth perhaps one needs to do something which initially feels totally alien. Which I might add it did!

But climbing out of the “communal playpen of cross 2 year olds” was quite empowering!  Slightly expensive!  But nonetheless empowering!

What have I Learnt!

Always good to review something once the heat’s died down!!

As Stephen has just commented on my previous post – what you fear is what you get.  Or to put it another way – what you focus on is what you get.

H is up to his eyeballs in resentment (for me!) and lots of other stuff within himself – probably created from childhood.  I often wonder if it started when I was born.  There are 2 years between us.  So suddenly there I was – competition for attention from Mum and Dad! I’ve read that a two year age gap can be difficult.  The older child is just old enough to appreciate the new arrival but too young to understand that it won’t affect the love he gets from his parents.  He just sees it as an intrusion into his world.

Anyway instead of focusing on love he focused on Fairness (something that has been eating away at him for years and years).  From the moment he approached the subject of this ‘dreaded Agreement’ it was clear in his voice over the phone that part of him wasn’t totally at ease with what he was doing.  He had already assumed I wouldn’t like what he was going to say – I could hear it in the tone of his voice.  And so he got exactly what he asked for – I dug in.  And I dug in for quite a few days!  But I didn’t get angry!  Which was even more annoying.  I just stuck to the document we’d all signed.

So he ranted and fired emails at me saying if he’d thought the Agreement was going to stay in place until all 3 properties sold, never mind how long that took, he never would have signed it!!   Difficult that one.  That’s what he signed up to!!

What then took him totally by surprise is that I gave him an act of love.  I told him I loved him.  I also asked him why he resented me so much. I gave him examples of this resentment (painful for him – but he hasn’t denied them!).  I asked him what had I done to trigger this in him?  I asked him what Fairness meant to him.  Of course none of this did he understand!  I would have been surprised if he had.  What I hope though is that somewhere in the deep recesses of his pain I may have triggered some doubt.  A possibility that he could be better than he is.

He retaliated by accusing me of ” alienating him with Emotional Blackmail” and various other fairly unpleasant remarks.  Hanging on for grim death to convincing himself he was right!  I continued to give him love.

Then along comes C. Wading in with remarks of Charity and Cordiality and horror that I should be seeing such pain in H and suggesting H get help so he would love himself! How dare I!!

So I bowed out.  And I signed off with Love.

I wonder why the 3 of us had Significance as our top value. It was mine for so long – until I dug! (thanks Stephen for providing the spade!)

All I remember from our parents was masses of love.  But C said to me once that he was always made to feel like the baby of the family – I think by H.  So maybe  H has had massive control over both of his siblings.  No wonder C ran to another part of the country!  The good side is that C has been amazingly successful in his business career – maybe partly fired by his desire to prove H wrong!  The sad side is that under pressure he doesn’t bring love to the top – he resorts to being very business like and cold and he brings Fairness!

Focusing on the wrong thing they’ve got the wrong thing.  Yes they have their small crumb of financial comfort.  If the property sells within the next year they will each have saved themselves £4K maximum!  So important on an overall inheritance of much much more than that!! .  But by focusing on their fears  and then feeding themselves their ‘proof’ of this they have both confirmed in their minds that I’m the money grabbing person that H decided decades ago I was!!  But then they’re faced with a problem!  I’ve bowed out of the legally binding agreement we set up together in good faith!!  Oops!!  Proof has gone.

So I’ve learnt that under pressure (and the pressure was incredible) to stick to my top Value of Love and that by giving myself Love I can walk away from this with my head held high.  I nearly didn’t.  I nearly failed.  I needed a nudge to remind me of my Values.

But since making the decision (and coming to terms with it!) I’ve slept better!!  A sure sign my Values are in line and I’m happy with my decision.

The sad thing is that there is no way either of my siblings will understand this.  They will convince themselves that they were the ones to ‘make me see sense’,  that they were right and I was wrong and that they’ve saved me from being greedy and money grabbing!  So feeding their fears!  And remaining Stuck in a place with no growth.

Can Values get distorted?

Can Values get distorted?

The debacle of the last few days has got me thinking!

This time last year Stephen asked me to write down my list of my top 50 Values! Wow! I panicked! I downloaded a list from the Internet! (I bet most people do this!). From this list of a couple of hundred or so I deleted all those that didn’t ‘do it’ for me. I was then asked to put these in order! Another interesting piece of homework. What is fascinating in all this is that Fairness never got into my top 50! Let alone the Top 10! Why? That’s what I’ve been pondering!

Well I think it’s because to me Fairness is intrinsic to meeting my Values of Love and Generosity (both of which I value highly). So actually for me Fairness doesn’t have to appear in my list. My other Values are too strong to need it. In fact resorting to Fairness only happens (for me) if the values of Love and Generosity are absent. Yet for my 2 brothers Fairness took them over. It’s become their obsession. So much so that the good values of love and trust, not to mention generosity have fallen by the way side. Like 2 small children in a playground they don’t want anything that isn’t Fair. Gosh I so nearly got sucked into their “game”.

So what got into them? Well I think it was driven by H. H has huge issues and I think they go back a long way. Years ago. when our parents were alive he was always trying to find out if I was getting what he considered preferential treatment. Whether I was getting some hidden ‘deal’ from them that he hadn’t had. He would check up on me and them by asking questions and expecting answers to things which were none of his business!

His biggest resentment was when Alex and I bought the flat thus owning a part of the parental property. We did it so cash could be released which they desperately needed. It also meant we ended up being the ones on hand to do the caring – which we did! But H wanted to be the one to do the bailout. He told me as much!! Significance is very important to him.

His resentment even stretched to Alex and I spending money on our holidays. He told me we shouldn’t be able to afford to go to the places we did! So he would try and scupper things when he and I had to share the caring of our Dad in the last years of his life, by attempting to organise his holidays at the same time as us!

Stories and incidents like these are too numerous to mention here. And the more I look at it the more horrified and saddened I am that he’s ended up in this place where resentment seems to be consuming him. I wonder what the trigger was.

And sadly his influence has infiltrated and coloured and affected what could have been a loving and fun time sorting out our inheritance. Instead of where we are now!!

So my question is Can Values get distorted?  Can the wrong rule end up being applied? Or a rule which is un-winnable?

The Nightmare is over

Yes the nightmare is over.  As in the total horror of what I’ve been through over the last 2+ years.  I may still wobble and get those days when I want to cling to my past life BUT BUT BUT I know one of the reasons for wobbling is not having enough goals which grab my attention, hold my passion for life and fire me up with enthusiasm for a new future.

I know – with a passion – that what I’ve got now is not enough.  I know with a passion I want more. I know with a passion that my time on this planet has to be more important than this. That I have more to give than I have already. That the purpose of being me has to be more than solving office moves at work (for me – easy), fighting campaigns to save airfields (fun) or being outrageous when I want to be.

I know perfectly well that I can meet my need for adventures by joining holidays that go to the places I want to see so that isn’t the real problem.  I may have to wait until I have funds (and escape my close and growing relationship with the local garage!!) but I can meet that value on my own – as being on my own is where I am for now.

I have my small goals  – improving my french, piano playing…….  but these aren’t enough.

Because I’ve  found through all the inspirational Life Coaching I’ve had that Making a Difference is also an important Value for me (it’s in my Top 13) and actually just now it seems to be moving itself higher and higher up my list.  It could be one of the most fundamental values for me as just now meeting it  might finally get me Flying.

Something has to.  And it’s about time this blog title changed from “I’ve Survived, and I’m about to Fly”  To “I’m a Sensational Survivor and I’m Flying”

I just don’t know what to do next!  I know lots of things I don’t want to do – which my mother always used to say, when we were young, was a good start! – Now I need to find what will make me buzz and meet this important value for me head on.

And I have a sneaky suspicion if I can meet it head-on I will finally fly over the final hurdle of getting over the horror of what I’ve been through, without even noticing it was there.

And that’s what I want to do.

Life Coaching – a summary!

Having an unexpected day at home due to my car deciding not to do what it’s designed to do,  I’ve used the time, I hope sensibly, to go over most of what I’ve learned over the last year.

So if you’re interested then do read on – and if you’re not that’s fine!  I don’t expect everyone to be!!

Stephen (LC) has introduced me to masses of different tools to improve my outlook on life and given me methods of focusing on my future.  Helping me find out who I am, who I want to be and discovering the ‘real me’

Initially I needed to see I really did have a future which could be what I wanted it to be.  To realise it was within me to create a future I wanted and to be in charge of that future rather than react to the circumstances I found myself in. The 6ft and 30 seconds exercise proved how fast I could change that outlook within me if I created it in my mind and  focused 100% on it.

So here, in summary, are some (but not all) the things I’ve learnt and how to use them to my advantage

(Most of the following headings are clickable to posts or pages I’ve written in the past – as this post is a summary of all the different tools I’ve been given I’ve not repeated them in full – so – if you’re interested then click away!)

Values

I found this incredibly difficult to grasp!  Don’t ask me why – I just did!  But I have my values on cards now and I can spend many an hour re-organising them.  I have my top ones and I now know the Rules I need to apply to them to meet each Value, not only for me but from others.  These are fundamental to everything.  These are the ones I would say to everyone are the ones which are so important to grasp and live by and are the backbone of his coaching  – the life raft to cling to and turn to.  I tend to re-order them as time moves on – which is good – after all that’s the idea – to move forward!

The figure of Eight

Understanding how I do this and then spotting when I run it is very important.  I do still do it. Though less and less and – mostly – now I can bring myself out of it on a positive when I do fall into the trap.

The Focus Triangle

What you focus on is what you get. So if you’re inner voice is giving you positive vibes and you stand tall and straight then the future is much more positive than slouching and letting your inner voice give you negatives.

For Every Negative list 10 positives

I didn’t stick at this one and rather wish I had.  I should do it more as it’s so simple and is great for focusing the mind!  And I was supposed to give myself a reward when I kept clear of negatives for – I think – 10 days in a row!  Well it’s never too late so perhaps I should start doing that now!

The Different Versions of Me

I’ve learned that we all have different versions of ourselves which we bring into ‘play’ in different situations and environments. Actually understanding them and the power they hold and feeling comfortable with them has been vitally important.

Strengths

Reading the book Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath.  At the back of the book you get a code which you feed in on the website and then carry out an assessment.  It has really helped to understand what my top 5 strengths are and how using them in conjunction with others – who have different strengths –  will get the best from a situation

Being my own Life Coach

Realising I’m my own best friend and that I can give myself advice and also become my own Life Coach and help myself that way too.

The feminine Me

To find and understand that my strength lies in being feminine was an important and vital step

Goals

Stephen gave me a very valuable list on setting goals, but also showed me what happens when the goal isn’t good enough. (see diagram)  A small goal requires small action – which then gives a small result and so gives me  ‘proof’ that I can’t achieve anything fantastic. So it’s important to set high goals which require massive action as the results will be better and the proof of achievement also greater.

So re-reading my ‘Goals’ of earlier this week for my Dream Future they need to be greater and bigger and better – and more focused!  Playing the piano and learning French maybe and are important to me but they are hardly Goals in the bigger picture!! Even saying I want to be a better photographer isn’t a goal!  After all I’ll be better by learning one small technique.

I definitely need better Goal Setting!!

Summary

This is just some of what I’ve learnt and what Stephen has guided me through.  There has been a great deal more!  What I really do need to do now is use all the tools I’ve been given.

I need to do my homework and my homework is my life!

Am I right Stephen‽‽