A day of mixed emotions

The rage of the last two weeks finally subsided last night!  What followed was, I suppose, interesting!

Peaceful acceptance or acknowledgement was what I was expecting.  Peaceful ‘anything’ was not what I gave myself!   This was not clever!

For reasons that are not clear I apparently decided to rerun the victim tape!   I gave myself a good dose of this on my journey home (always a vulnerable time) so arrived home exhausted, worn out, very weepy and generally fed up!  I failed to be by own best friend.  I failed to be my own coach!!!   OK let’s just say “I Failed”!!!

Then up popped B – ringing me up.  Keen to pour out all his pent up emotions he invited himself round – ostensibly to sort out my PC problems – though I think we all know this was not the real reason!  Fortunately part of my brain was still functioning normally and I put him off his quest!   I haven’t the energy or expertise to be his Counsellor or Life Coach – he knows where to go for that!  Anyway I’ve run out of ways of telling him I don’t fancy him!!

So having arranged a quiet evening in for myself, I went through a whole host of emotions – none of which I will bore you with.  But Bye2’s latest post gave me food for thought.

Those of us who have been dumped can’t avoid the ‘victim’ label – that’s what we are whether we like it or not.  Like a victim of a robbery we weren’t the perpetrator of the crime against our marriages – and what is worse is the ‘robbery’ was committed by the one we trusted and loved beyond anyone else.  But the answer in all this is not to live as the victim.  To find a way to rise above it and turn it to our advantage!  To find a way to forgive.

And does forgiveness give us that final release and acceptance?  Is that what we need to ‘move on’?  I don’t know.  I don’t have the answer to that.

I know I am happier and more confident today with being who I am than I have been for years (maybe for most of my adult life).  I am not living in fear.  I am not trying to be someone I’m not to please those around me.  I am much more ME.  The Life Coaching has given me that. And maybe that’s enough for now and forgiveness will come in due course.