Everyone has a stubborn streak. I suppose it’s that streak which gives us the ability to succeed against all the odds.
But in the emotionally weak ( the Alex’s and B’s of this world, even the outwardly confident cheats) I think it distorts. Their stubborn streak seems to act like a switch in their brains. Switched on the power is so great everything else gets switched off. Everything else distorts.
They see someone new and it is that they must have and with a stubbornness which has hitherto been dormant they trample over everything and everyone in their quest to get what they now perceive to be their right to have.
No matter how many of their friends, their counsellors, whoever, tries to encourage them to face and sort out the issues they have in their current relationship, to re-ignite that relationship, they refuse with a determination which is breath-taking. They may decide to deal with their pasts, and to a certain extent face their demons but this new found stubbornness stops them going that final mile. They can’t because they’ve ‘turned off’ their moral compass. So, actually they can only pay lip service to whatever they are being taught. Deep inside the stubbornness is still winning. It must take a very strong and determined Counsellor/Life Coach to break through the barrier they erect. And so often at this point most weak men run.
So, having run, they role out all the famous clichés as if they were the first person ever to say them:
- “No one understands me”
- “No one knows how I feel”
- “I haven’t loved you for the last 10 years”
- “You don’t listen”
- “I’ve never felt this way before”
- “We should never have got married”
- “She only wants me to be happy”
- “I have such empathy with her”
- “I know I’m right – everyone else is wrong”
- “I know I’ve now met the ‘right one'”
And with this newly switched on distorted stubborn streak everything else goes ‘out of the window’. Their values and the rules they apply to those values distort. Distorted Rules make the situation even more dangerous as everything is now justified:
- Love – of course I’m giving myself love – I feel empowered
- Respect – I respect me for seeing I need to move on
- Growth – Wow this new releationship is giving me the growth I desire. My old relationship was going nowhere
- Strength – Finally I’ve found the strength to do something for me and my life. I’ve made a decision for me and making a decision and taking action feels fantastic.
Add into this corrosive brew a determined OW (other woman) who is out to get what she wants and the result is as predictable as night following day.
So, now left with having to sort out the previous relationship the only route is to duck, dive, lie and hide. Because – probably – deep inside something is telling them all is not as good as they’d like to think it is. After all let’s face it – THEY’VE FAILED
But hey there is an easy solution at hand. They hide from their friends, don’t look anyone in the eye who challenges them, lie as this is easier and justify the whole charade as feeling guilty. Guilt can be distorted into being a noble feeling:
- “I feel so bad for doing this to you…..”
- “I’ve found it so difficult to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you”
- “I do still care”
- “I do hope we can still be friends” (good one this as it keeps the door open should they need an escape route)
How often they run this loop depends on them. Some will run this for their entire lives going from one relationship to another – always justifying their actions, never totally happy. Some will do it only once and then stick with the OW either too scared to face the whole process again or too ashamed to admit they were wrong. Some will finally take action.
Why? Because there’s a cure.
And the cure?
I think the cure is pain. Unrelenting day-in, day-out pain. When the pain gets too great and can’t be avoided they will finally turn off the distorted stubborn streak button (probably they will need help but may manage it without) and switch everything else back on. They will find out how to deal with the distortions. They will become strong – stronger than they ever imagined they could be. They will decide to become Real Men. And then they will get the happiness they seek.
So anyway – dear reader (if you’re still with me at this point and haven’t given up!) this is how I see it.
I’d love to read what you think so please comment away. As you know I love comments!