Advice or Points of view!
Actually the only form of advice which really works is – on the whole –
So that being said you need to be firm with your well meaning friends and say so.
Advice that I find doesn’t work is:
Well now you can move on
I’d love to know how and if so where to. I would have done so if I knew how to do it!
It’s almost as if they expect you to get in your car and drive off up the road – leaving all your turmoil and emotions behind. How I wish it could be so easy. Anyone who has been or is going through this knows that is far from the case!
You’ll be a stronger person at the end of this
What on earth does that mean? Stronger in what way? A harder person? A tougher person? A more selfish person? None of these are exactly qualities to aspire to.
Or as I laughingly said to someone at work (where I am known as the very determined, say-it-how-it-is person who fixes things):
“And you want this??!!”
Go and have an affair
How can I when I was still madly in love with my husband. And even if I did meet someone would it really be fair on them if I just used them to give myself some sort of escape and temporary release. OK if the ground rules were set first – but to my ears that does sound a bit clinical! There are other things you can do…
At least you know where you stand
Said to me on several occasions – when Alex left – when he said he wasn’t coming back – when he said our marriage was over.
Completely fatuous – people should keep their mouths shut! I know this sounds unduly harsh. But statements of the obvious are not helpful!
“What you need to do is……”
Any statement that includes this is bad. As soon as I hear those words I shut off. Remember a lot of so called advice is actually others dealing with their own issues!
Any statement of the obvious!
“He has found another woman” – Gosh – don’t you think I know that!!
“He has left you” – I had noticed!
“Maybe he just wants to be friends” – I wonder how they would feel if that applied to their marriage!! Quite a few people have said that to me and I find it unbelievably irritating!
“Stop defending him” – that is and always will be my choice to do or not to do and nobody has the right to tell me to stop. They may be irritated by what I am doing – but just now they should not point it out. I might find a lot of their behaviour irritating – it would be interesting if I adopted their well-meaning pronouncements and see what reaction I got!!
Somehow when one is in this very bleak and catastrophic place loads of people suddenly feel they have the right to say things they would have kept to themselves under normal circumstances!
Drink! (as in alcohol)
Not good. It’s a depressant and only a short term relief from all the horror!
Thanks to my brilliant Dr. for pointing this out early on! I have – mostly – stuck to his advice and kept clear!
(Above written in the first few months of separation)