I can’t give up…

But I do feel a bit like David Cameron said he felt the night before the Coalition sorted itself out and he became PM.

I feel that I have lost and am destined to be “in opposition”  – by that I mean divorced and no longer with Alex.

Still like DC  perhaps I need to just ‘hang in’ there and remain positive – the trouble is that I am not up against “Gordon Brown”  – I am up against a far more formidable opponent – in the form of the Other Woman –  who Alex wants to “Get into bed with”  and in fact has!

I just feel that a Coalition with me is a better option.

None of this makes sense

I could understand if

We had rowed all the time
We had given up talking
We had drifted apart
We had nothing in common anymore


We still laugh
We enjoy each other’s company
We had such fun
We had so much in common
We share lots of hobbies
We didn’t argue
We didn’t fall out on holiday – in fact we got on almost better when on holiday – and that was being together 24hrs a day – sometimes for 3 weeks with no-one else for company!

And why can’t I accept that he has met someone else who is more exciting than me and so doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

Sleep – Oh how I wish

How I wish I could get through an entire night.

It doesn’t help being so tired all the time.

And “No” –  alcohol  doesn’t help – it just makes things worse in the long run.

Nor does staying up late

EFT helps to send me back to sleep but somehow having that break in the middle of the night is just not good.

I go through so many days in a daze (oops that rhymes!)

Another letter from the solicitor today confirming the decree nisi has gone through- and enclosing her bill!  Of course.

Seeing it all in writing makes it so much more real – and ghastly.

Back to feeling sorry for myself.  I so don’t want this.

It is all so surreal.  We were having so much fun.  Or I thought we were.

OK – so it isn’t ALL my fault

Having spent yesterday blaming myself for the break up of our marriage and having slept badly as a result – I am now taking a more balanced view.

That isn’t to say I have a responsibility – I do.

But Alex is the one who bolted and Alex is the one who is having the affair.  I suppose it ceases to be ‘an affair’ once we are divorced as he will be a free agent to do as he likes.

I would so prefer this not to end like this.

I need to get out more instead of sitting at home and going over and over all these imaginary conversations and imaginary outcomes (good and bad).

Note to self: Come on Caroline you can do better than this

I should have listened – really listened

My lakeside walk this morning has been very beneficial.

Not just for the tranquility and serenity of the surroundings but for something that has finally dawned.  This is not been a very pleasant revelation but one I must face.

I don’t listen.  Oh I hear the words but I am far too quick to put my own spin on what’s being said and I only heard what I wanted to hear.

I have a horrible suspicion that Alex did try to talk to me but gave up as I refused  – or was not prepared – to really listen.  No wonder he sought comfort elsewhere.  No wonder he felt it wasn’t working for him.

I know I am not a controlling and horrible person.  BUT given the fact that Alex came from a family where only his mother’s views prevailed and he and his siblings have all grown up very diffident and unable to express themselves in a calm assertive manner then no wonder we ended up in this mess.

I have two VERY assertive brothers – both of whom hold very strongly to their points of view and who – when we were growing up – often made me feel that my views were not worth considering.  I have a nasty suspicion that with Alex I found someone who always agreed with me and so I became the very thing I dislike in my brothers.

Yuck!  This has not been very pleasant to face.

Sadly it may well be too late for Alex and me.  I have no idea if I can put things right.

And he did try to make me listen.  He has kept saying to me over the last 17 months that he couldn’t talk to me.  Blimey I really wouldn’t listen to this ‘cry’ for attention.  This plea for me to listen.

If I could turn the clock back I would – knowing what I do now.