Relationship coaching

So I have had two sessions of 2 hours now.  And it’s good.

Things I have learnt:

My fundamental needs in a relationship are (1) to feel and be loved and (2) to feel significant.

Were these being met by Alex – If I am honest – in the last few months – No!  Not as much as I needed.  Reason:  Alex’s fundamental needs were not being met by me so he withdrew giving me mine – result lack of growth in the relationship, boredom and a bit of a stalemate.

Now this doesn’t mean that the only solution is to go our separate ways.  I need to understand his fundamental needs and he mine and then we have to learn how to meet each others – as we did when we were first together.

I have also come up with Solutions table!

Scenario Alex Me Result Mental State
1 Happy Together Good Both of us in love and content and happy in our relationship.  Alex not feeling guilty.  Caroline happy not distraught
2 Happy Apart Good Alex no longer needs to feel guilty.  Caroline no longer distraught.  Both happy to look to their own futures.
3 Happy together X Bad Alex feels guilty and is unhappy.  Feels something is missing.  Although happy Caroline knows something is wrong and things could be better.
4 Happy together X Bad Caroline not getting the love she needs
5 Happy Apart X Bad Alex feeling very guilty.  Caroline distraught
6 Happy Apart X Bad Alex unhappy.  Caroline feels guilty at letting Alex down
7 Happy Together X X Bad Both feeling situation is wrong.  Could be solved by working together for either  (1) or (2) above.
8 Happy Apart X X Bad Both feeling situation is wrong  Could be solved by working together for either  (1) or (2) above.

Nobody owes anyone anything

Nobody owes anyone anything – only to themselves, their conscience, their inner self and their future.  After all that’s the person they will live and die with.

To go through life with a clear conscience knowing that they have done their best by others.  Given everything their best shot.  Faced their demons and won.  And committed to their promises – that should be the ultimate achievement we should all aspire to.

OK so I’m going through a bad patch!

So I just need to accept it and ‘go with the flow’.

I never thought of myself as fragile.  But just now I appear to be!  Ludicrous!!

But it is the way it is.  And very small things set me off!

And why in hell’s name I can’t accept that Alex is NOT COMING BACK is beyond me!

Bizarrely I seem to be able to ‘look at me’ and say come on Caroline face up to it and if I wasn’t me I would agree – it sort of all points to him forging a new life not including me.

So the next step is to believe it!   Ha!  Not so easy!!

I really MUST get out more!   No one is going to find me hidden away here!!

I’ve just finished reading Bel Mooney’s book “Small dogs can save your life”.  Wept buckets!  I am so glad she has found happiness again.  But – for me – I was left with the overriding wish to get her and her ex together and say “look at what you had”,  “look at the strength of the love you had”  and “why aren’t you still together?” “why didn’t you go that extra mile and find your route together”.

Finally I’m getting angry

Yes.  At last.

But no not with Alex but with the Other Woman.  I can’t believe I have lasted this long.  But it came to me this morning on my early morning ‘lake walk’.

Alex met OW in 2008 when he was away on a course.    I have recently discovered that he then exchanged emails with her and also met her on one occasion over the next 4 months.  He left downloads of these emails on the PC he has left behind so I have been able to find  out about the initial stages of this friendship.

And I do believe –  I still believe that at this stage it was just a strong friendship.

Then he invited her to stay with us over New Year.  Yes I know all of you ‘out there’ will be saying “Come on Caroline – it’s him you should be angry with.  His deceit – rubbing your nose in his new found love”  But I believe him when he says it wasn’t like that.

She accepted.  And within 5 minutes of her entering our house I knew I had a problem.  Clear as the day that dawns it was obvious she had turned up to “Suss out the opposition”.  She made it clear to me that she was out to get him and that she didn’t see me as a problem.  She even announced during our party that at the age of 42 she was now seeking a husband as she wanted to find a man so she could have some children before it was too late!

The audacity of the woman is horrifying.  The cold blooded intention to get her own way and to accept my hospitality whilst doing it is breath taking.  This is one truly nasty person.

She stayed for 2 days – 2 ghastly days.  At first I thought I was imagining it but I knew by the time she left.  I even said to Alex “Don’t go having an affair with her because she is after you”.  And of course at that stage I was unaware that she had been emailing him and contacting him.

My darling husband was bedazzled by the attention and I still think just overawed and infatuated.

Four weeks later he left me.

I have tried so hard to be understanding – to see that she might be a kind woman.  To be the person he professes her to be.  He tells me “She only wants me to be happy”!!   Dream on sunshine!  That statement SO DOESN’T WORK on any level.

Finally my anger – which has been bubbling beneath the surface – needs to explode into the world.  And it has.


Every marriage is unique

And to those reading this latest post you are seeing everything in reverse – you catch my latest musings and feelings, unaware of what has gone before.  Unaware of why I am here writing this at 7.00am having not slept – AGAIN – and not sure if these are just the writings of  one more dumped human being trying to come to terms with her situation – or maybe this is something more.

I want it to be something more.  I hope it will be.   So maybe I have to bare my soul more than I have.  I will think about it. Up to now I have kept details of  my marriage and its sudden catastrophic breakdown fairly minimal here on my blog.  Partly because it has just been too painful to go over and partly to protect the identity of those involved.

In the meantime:

I have been reading various books recently by those who have been through what I am going through now.

There is such a temptation to apply their outcome to mine.  To see their outcome as the inevitable outcome of my situation and so to jump to the future – their future – and see it as where mine should be.

But every marriage and every situation is unique.  Unique to those going it through it.  Unique in every way.

So whereas it is useful to read these books – as they give hope, it is not advisable to apply or see their ‘road’ as yours.  What happened to them, their partner, their partner’s behaviour and reaction will not be mine.  I have to go through this on my own and just take heart that I will come through as others have.