Change can be fun!

A situation at work yesterday triggered me thinking about this as I drove home last night.  Driving is my ‘time to think’ time.  This can be dangerous and very non-productive if I’m not careful and can send me down a cul-de-sac (not literally you understand – unless I have the Sat Nav turned on and it decides to take a detour!) emotionally!

A member of my staff was working out how to introduce a change in working practice to one of his staff who hates change with a vengeance!  We talked about it for a while and I suggested making it as fun as possible and to involve her as much as possible in the changes.  No one likes being the recipient of forced change without having an input!  He developed his ideas and went away with a scheme of his own devising which I’m sure will work.  Good news.

I know many people resist change.  And we all have ingenious ways of convincing ourselves we don’t need to change!  I can over-exaggerate and generalise and when challenged laugh it off as part of me being me! But having been pulled up on it a few times recently – in the nicest possible way I might add –  I’m making an effort to be more explicit in how I express myself.  It’s important.  Especially when it comes to my goal and how I hope to help people.

We all have things we could do better or be less controlling over if we just accept we aren’t always right and concede that change could give us something more!  I also think it’s grabbing the opportunities that present themselves when they’re offered. Be it taking up an  offer to improve our written grammar, enjoying the change to an IT system or having fun changing the office environment for the better instead of putting up a physical barricade of resistance (which I had to deal with once!), to the real emotional ones of changing a pattern of behaviour which isn’t giving us the life we truly desire.

Change can be hard, slow and drawn out, or Change can be fun, surprising and swift!

Some changes are harder to embrace than others.  For each one of us these will be different.  Actually taking the decision to make a change is the hard, slow  bit!!  Once you’ve decided to the next bit can often be quite fast – and fun!

So now, for me, it’s finding out why my unconscious mind is doing what it is, so I can change the pattern and rid myself of my daily morning angst.  I rather wish I’d owned up to this problem when I was still going to Life Coaching as I might have had a better last 4 months than I have.  Bother!

Mixed Morning Emotions!

Clearly my unconscious mind isn’t totally at rest yet and somehow I’d quite like to find a way of dealing with this unconscious behaviour.  Because that, dear reader, is what it is.  I’m sure of that.

When my alarm goes off (and now I have my nice, new, over-expensive all singing all dancing alarm clock I can choose to wake to Radio, buzzer (of the audible kind – I trust your mind wasn’t wandering to other thoughts!!) or my ipod) I wake with an incredible sinking feeling.  A sort of “Another day to be got through” feeling.

Some mornings this is accompanied by an aching head – only cured by a dose of my favourite headache cure.

The low lasts usually until I reach the Motorway on my journey to work.  Then my mood starts to lift, and as I’ve already said I get to Junction 13 and my ‘turned on moment’ which never fails to ‘brighten’ my day! 

Usually by the time I reach work I’m OK!

On the days I don’t have to drive it can be a real battle to shift my mood into a brighter frame of mind.

I was going to say I’ve tried lots of things but since trying is not doing I won’t go there!!

I really want to wake every morning and feel Wow rather than Oh!  A bit more Junction 13 – if you get my drift!!  More of a feeling of wanting to embrace the world rather than avoid it!!

So in the spirit of doing so I need to delve further and find some more solutions!!  No doubt this is called Growth!  Which is fine I just need to find out how.

By the way I’ve stopped saying goodnight to Alex every night – I couldn’t face the thought of getting up and having to complete some unnecessary chore! (Which was the suggested cure!)

A Sparkly Award! Wow!

Thank you to Jacqueline for this lovely award!

So following the rules I now have to answer the 10 questions set by Mrs Sparkly!

1 Describe yourself in seven words

Loving, caring, adventurous, outrageous, funny, courageous and determined

2 What Keeps you up at night? 

Best not go there.  We all know about my inability to sleep. Though recently things have been much better.  Focusing on my future is clearly improving life!

3 Whom would you like to be?

Actually I don’t want to be anyone other than me!  Despite all the angst (which still on occasions haunts me)  all I want to be is a more successful me than I am right now!

4 What are you wearing now?

Jeans and a t-shirt with a jumper.  Slippers.  Pretty underwear.

5 What scares you?

Being on my own for the rest of my life!

6 What are the best and worst things about blogging?

Well this blog has been my saviour.  It’s given me a voice through the most traumatic time of my life (to date!).  I’ve had unbelievable support from those I’ve ‘met’ on line.  It’s enabled Stephen, my life coach, to keep an eye on me and to give extra guidance when I’ve wobbled. All in all it’s brilliant!  As to the worst – I wish I’d stop fixating on the stats!!

7 What was the last website you looked at?

My Life Coach’s!  I find his posts fascinating and informative. This one is particularly relevant

8 If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I’d love slim legs!!

9 Slankets Yes or No?

As I had no clue what a slanket was until today then clearly I’ve managed so far without one so No!  I wonder if there’s a verb To Slanket?  And if there is – is it clean?  If it isn’t clean then I just might be interested!!

10. Tell us something about the person who tagged you.

Jacqueline has become a great friend – although we’ve never met. She is witty and incredibly supportive and caring and for some reason or other she likes my blog!

My Nominations:

To I know this Road – mainly as I miss his wonderful posts and maybe this will encourage him to start writing again

To Lost in France – for blogging the ‘soap opera’ of his life and who has a wonderful way of writing about the ups and downs of divorce – despite the sadness of what he is going through

And Finally to Kana’s Chronicles – she writes beautifully and I love reading her blog

Desired Outcomes

This came into my mind as I was driving to work this morning on my 70 mile commute!

In every conversation, email exchange, whatever we have an implicit Desired Outcome!  Mostly the outcome is not something we give much thought about.  After all asking a loved one what they’d like for dinner, or to go out shopping is a discussion where the person will either say Yes or No or a suggestion and the Desired Outcome is not going to have a huge emotional reaction or impact.

But when there is tension or a deeply important issue to be discussed then I think it’s worth thinking through what one’s Desired Outcome is before embarking on the process!

When my brother, H, suddenly announced that he felt that the 3 of us sharing my rental costs was no longer ‘fair’ his Desired Outcome was for me to agree.  When I didn’t he continued to stick to his Desired Outcome through thick and thin. So he bullied and pushed and pushed, dragging in my other brother for support.  Not for one moment throughout the exchange of numerous emails did he once consider or suggest a compromise.  I did but got no response.  So in the end I bowed out, giving him his Desired Outcome!

But has he really got the right Desired Outcome?  He has achieved his need for Control (by bullying).  But has he met his basic Human Needs at the highest level possible?

1. Certainty
   Well he’s got Certainty – but perhaps at a rather low level as he’s achieved it by Control
2. Uncertainty/Variety
   Not really.  There’s no variety in this unless he considers he has varied our Legal Agreement by his controlling tactics
3. Love/Connection
   There was no love in any of this.  In fact an underlying theme throughout his emails was unless you do as I want I won’t give you love.  So it appears his love is conditional on me falling in with his Desired Outcome and control.  My other brother waded in with statements on Charity and Cordiality so not much love there either!
4. Significance
   Well they both got Significance in that they can pat themselves on the back for making me agree.  But surely that’s Significance via Control and so achieved at rather a low level.
5. Growth
   Did either of them experience Growth in this exchange, as in Growth within themselves.  Maybe they do feel good about themselves.  I can’t answer for them.  In fact as far as I can see the only person who experienced real Growth in this exchange was me as I put Love above the Agreement and bowed out because Love is my top Value and Need
6. Contribution
   Have either of them contributed to enhancing our feelings for each other??  Or, more to the point My feelings for Them!

So what have I learnt and gained?  From my point of view all I now know is that for both of them their Love is, at the moment, conditional on me falling in with them, their points of view and their wishes. Actually this has been quite liberating as I now know their ground rules.  For years I’ve sought H’s approval!  Now I don’t have to because I now know his approval is totally reliant on playing by his rules without any consideration for anyone else!.  Unless he achieves exactly what he wants then he withdraws love. 

So they have their Desired Outcome – in that I have bowed to their demands which saves them each a maximum of £4k over the next year but, and it’s a big BUT, at what cost?

We all agreed just after Dad died that we needed to remain friends and keep affection and love as a focus!  For now they appear to have both lost sight of that.  They have won their Desired Outcome but the cost could be greater than they realise.  I will continue to love them both but I don’t have much desire to seek either of them out and spend a huge amount of time in their presence.  Why would I want to subject myself to such a lack of Respect and Love for me.  Also they’ve broken my Trust.  I trusted them to stick to our Agreement which we all signed in good faith.  They then both demanded that we broke that Agreement.  So how on earth can I trust them?

So, dear reader, my point is before running headlong for what one can think is a Desired Outcome stop and work out what the implications and side-effects of achieving it will bring. And if the Outcome isn’t driven primarily by Love then maybe, just maybe it’s worth tweaking it or opting for something different!

It’s just a thought!  What do you think?

The joy of Confusion!

I called in on one of my ex neighbours this afternoon on my way home from spending lots of dosh on drink (to be taken to the people I’m staying with when I do THE COURSE!) other essentials, and some not-so-essentials! (Like clothes, perfume and a new  radio alarm clock!!)

Bless them they were fantastic when Alex first left and allowed me to weep copiously all over them for hours on end!  They must be so thankful I’ve stopped doing that now!  At least they’re keeping dry!!

We chatted away about the attitude of my siblings (a situation she is well aware of) and she suddenly said “I’m sure your brother  tried to make a go of his marriage”

“Ah”  I said, putting a glass in front of her

“Try picking up this glass!”

“What do you mean” she replied picking up the glass!

I then pointed out she’d picked the glass up.  I reminded her I’d asked her to TRY to pick the glass up not to pick it up.  She then put it down.  “No, no- Now you’re NOT picking it up.  TRY to pick it up.”

Wow did she get confused.  She even got a little annoyed.  I then explained what I meant.  Trying doesn’t get anyone anywhere.  Doing or not doing are the two only real options!!

It’s a pity more people don’t realise that!!  After all we are guilty of saying things like

“I try to be nice to her/him”  – well either we are or we aren’t

“I try not to overspend”  – ditto – the list is endless!

Anyway, she laughed in the end and muttered something about “God help us when you’ve learned even more about this life coaching stuff!”

Taking a Lateral Look at Life

I am in awe of these coaches who have the knack of seeing beyond the problem they are initially presented with.

I’m working my way through the books by Cloe Madanes. She has an amazing insight and a clarity of vision and depth of understanding which is stunning.

Many of Stephen’s clients say the same thing about him too.  That ability to know when to take the client beyond what they perceive to be their issues.

I hope and want to learn to be as good. In fact I’m determined to be as good!! So as I face the countdown to the start of the course in 6 days time,  I am looking forward to being taught some of the techniques . And  I shall know how well I’ve done as we’re going to be tested at the end!  A bit – in fact very – unnerving, but necessary – I can see that!!

I shall have to practice on the people I’m staying with in the evenings!!  Little do they  know what they’ve let themselves in for over the coming two weeks!

And to everyone else who knows me I suggest they keep their mobile phones turned off just in case I  need to seek further clarification!!