Can Values get distorted?
The debacle of the last few days has got me thinking!
This time last year Stephen asked me to write down my list of my top 50 Values! Wow! I panicked! I downloaded a list from the Internet! (I bet most people do this!). From this list of a couple of hundred or so I deleted all those that didn’t ‘do it’ for me. I was then asked to put these in order! Another interesting piece of homework. What is fascinating in all this is that Fairness never got into my top 50! Let alone the Top 10! Why? That’s what I’ve been pondering!
Well I think it’s because to me Fairness is intrinsic to meeting my Values of Love and Generosity (both of which I value highly). So actually for me Fairness doesn’t have to appear in my list. My other Values are too strong to need it. In fact resorting to Fairness only happens (for me) if the values of Love and Generosity are absent. Yet for my 2 brothers Fairness took them over. It’s become their obsession. So much so that the good values of love and trust, not to mention generosity have fallen by the way side. Like 2 small children in a playground they don’t want anything that isn’t Fair. Gosh I so nearly got sucked into their “game”.
So what got into them? Well I think it was driven by H. H has huge issues and I think they go back a long way. Years ago. when our parents were alive he was always trying to find out if I was getting what he considered preferential treatment. Whether I was getting some hidden ‘deal’ from them that he hadn’t had. He would check up on me and them by asking questions and expecting answers to things which were none of his business!
His biggest resentment was when Alex and I bought the flat thus owning a part of the parental property. We did it so cash could be released which they desperately needed. It also meant we ended up being the ones on hand to do the caring – which we did! But H wanted to be the one to do the bailout. He told me as much!! Significance is very important to him.
His resentment even stretched to Alex and I spending money on our holidays. He told me we shouldn’t be able to afford to go to the places we did! So he would try and scupper things when he and I had to share the caring of our Dad in the last years of his life, by attempting to organise his holidays at the same time as us!
Stories and incidents like these are too numerous to mention here. And the more I look at it the more horrified and saddened I am that he’s ended up in this place where resentment seems to be consuming him. I wonder what the trigger was.
And sadly his influence has infiltrated and coloured and affected what could have been a loving and fun time sorting out our inheritance. Instead of where we are now!!
So my question is Can Values get distorted? Can the wrong rule end up being applied? Or a rule which is un-winnable?