Anger, contempt and rage

I don’t know where all this is coming from but I am getting very very angry.  I want to lash out at Alex.  I am fed up with being the understanding wife.

 I feel as though there’s a whole lot of resentment, contempt, anger, rage, fury bubbling to the surface of my mind and I want to really really hurt him.  Hurt him as he hurt me.  How dare he treat me the way he has.

I want to have the most almighty blazing row with him. I’d even like to hit him.   I want him to shout back.  I want him to yell. 

This isn’t a miserable feeling – no – it’s pure, white rage – which I’m holding back on.  And there’s absolutely no point at all in yelling and shouting at anyone else as that doesn’t get rid of the feeling.  I need to do it at him.  I need him to react – I want him to react.  To show some sort of strong emotion.  I want him to fight for what he believes in.  And yes I also know I want him to fight for what we had. What we had and more.  What we could have had.

I know I could march into my next LC session and shout at Stephen – he could probably engineer it so I do. But I don’t feel that’s the answer.  And if it was it would only be temporary.

You see all through this I have never really and truly got angry.  And I just feel I need to.  I don’t want revenge.  I just want to get some sort of spark out of Alex rather than this meek diffident attitude that he’s adopted throughout.  I don’t want pathetic “sorrys”,  I want some Passion. 

Maybe this is all part of my Stage 3 state.  Starting to climb my ‘mountain’.  All I can say is – boy do I feel angry.

And where does that leave the Alexometer today – well at about 4.00.

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