I don’t know where all this is coming from but I am getting very very angry. I want to lash out at Alex. I am fed up with being the understanding wife.
I feel as though there’s a whole lot of resentment, contempt, anger, rage, fury bubbling to the surface of my mind and I want to really really hurt him. Hurt him as he hurt me. How dare he treat me the way he has.
I want to have the most almighty blazing row with him. I’d even like to hit him. I want him to shout back. I want him to yell.
This isn’t a miserable feeling – no – it’s pure, white rage – which I’m holding back on. And there’s absolutely no point at all in yelling and shouting at anyone else as that doesn’t get rid of the feeling. I need to do it at him. I need him to react – I want him to react. To show some sort of strong emotion. I want him to fight for what he believes in. And yes I also know I want him to fight for what we had. What we had and more. What we could have had.
I know I could march into my next LC session and shout at Stephen – he could probably engineer it so I do. But I don’t feel that’s the answer. And if it was it would only be temporary.
You see all through this I have never really and truly got angry. And I just feel I need to. I don’t want revenge. I just want to get some sort of spark out of Alex rather than this meek diffident attitude that he’s adopted throughout. I don’t want pathetic “sorrys”, I want some Passion.
Maybe this is all part of my Stage 3 state. Starting to climb my ‘mountain’. All I can say is – boy do I feel angry.
And where does that leave the Alexometer today – well at about 4.00.