And so it came to pass (updated)

And it came to pass that on the 5th day of Christmas (and the 4th of clearing) Caroline awoke after a night of very troubled sleep (and a great deal of very troubled awake!!)  and glared at the sorting out.

Today it is that House Clearance descend on the part which belonged to her father.  And they will clear everything which isn’t labelled – but she is ready!  Everything IS labelled.

And she reminded herself that she doesn’t have to pack.  The movers will be doing that for her in 2 weeks time.  All she needs to do is label what is going with her, what is going to store and just bin everything else.  SIMPLES! (for those who don’t understand this word you will need to Google it -the S at the end is important!)

I would like to conclude that I haven’t yet managed to skip and hop around waving a marker pen and brandishing the labels.  But I just might try that as a tactic!

Actually all I really want to do is sit down and shout:

“I don’t want to play anymore!  Can I stop doing this now?!”

Update!

A good example of your mind giving you what you want!  I went to my physio/acupuncture session – and truthfully gave up after that!

I even resorted to cleaning the car!!!

Then when I thought I was cornered and there was no escape,  my great friend rang up and “dragged” me off shopping as she felt I needed a break!!  So that’s taken care of the afternoon and I’m going to dinner at her house tonight so that’s sorted out the rest of today!

Note to self: It’s still got to be done Caroline ……….  And sitting down playing with the background to this blog and trying out different colours is not helping!

More thoughts on the inner me

Last week’s “revelation” has definitely given me a lot to think about. And it’s filling my thoughts for more time than I wish, and I can’t seem to stop it. It doesn’t help spending 3 hours in the car each day on my journey to and from work – far too much time to think and ponder and analyse. So where have these thoughts taken me.?

Well apart from the obvious, which I seem to be playing again and again in my head:-

I can now understand why I could never argue with Alex. I was running my life from a position of a deep rooted fear that I’d lose security and a firm belief that I had to accept everything to be loved – and that meant I didn’t dare.

I now also understand why certain aspects of my marriage were not – always – as good as they should have been. Why I froze on so many occasions. Nobody knows how confused I was – there I was with the man I loved but sometimes (but not always) any form of intimate contact had me wishing I could run for the hills – and I didn’t know why.

What concerns me is how I’m going to get over all this. How I am not just going to have to come to terms with it all but change my thought process so I don’t revert back to this.

I have all these very graphic details whizzing around in my mind which I imagine I need to address. And I don’t know if I will have the courage to do so. It’s all rather scary. I can’t see how I can talk about all this in detail without finding it acutely embarrassing. It all seems a case of too much information. The only person I could feel totally at ease with to really pour it all out to is Alex. And of course he’s not here. He’s off with the OW (other woman). 

For some reason I really want him to know. I feel he needs to know. I want to put the record straight.

 I just wish I’d told him. Then he might have understood more and our problems might have been less.

And of course what do I do when I’m in turmoil? I don’t sleep! So it’s back to Good Morning World from 3.00am to 4.00am (or more often to 4.30/5.00am) – a time of day I have become over familiar with these last 22 months! I know I only cure this problem when my mind is at peace. And just now it isn’t. Well at least I have a week’s holiday coming up so it won’t be so critical to be missing out on the sleep I need.

Anyway – to end on a happy note  – which is giving me my own private smile – there’s always the melting ice cream……!!!

Why?

As in

Why Me?

Why has Alex done this to me when he says he still cares?

Why can’t I sleep an entire night through?

Why does part of my stupid brain object to me enjoying myself? Which is seems to!

Why do I beat myself up?

Why do I feel as if I’m being pulled in two directions?

Why can’t I just live?

And finally just

WHY?

And the answer is because I am stubborn and I want it all!!  And I do!

And yet I am having good times without him! !    I think that’s what I’m finding so irritating.  I don’t seem to give myself permission to enjoy myself without him.  Which is fascinating!

I had a really good day yesterday.  I did my bit at the company meeting and even got them to laugh.  Security is hardly funny!  And I got them all to really pay attention.   The staff were actually interested and asked questions – much to the irritation of our CEO!

I  then had a great evening out with a couple I am very fond of.  We had an evening packed to the hilt with laughter!  And I got home at 11.30 and fell into bed and to sleep.

So how come I then woke up at 4.30 with a whole mass of angst and woe?  I seem to ‘enjoy’ beating myself up – which I might add I don’t!

No doubt all will be explained later today at my Life Coaching session – at this rate he will be landed with me for ever as I seem singularly inept at grasping the concepts and applying them to my life!

I might have shot out of my ‘Chilean Mine’ like a missile when my 6 feet and 30 seconds moment catapulted me into the daylight.  But I do feel I have been somewhat stuck since.

I need  to experience another Eureka moment!

Divorce papers are not festive

Somehow being bombarded by legal paperwork from the Mediation Service regarding the divorce doesn’t actually put me in a very festive mood.  Not that I was feeling very festive before.

I’m certainly not now!

I know these things have to be done.  And I have to face it all sooner or later. It’s grim though.  Seeing it all laid out in black and white. Especially the bit saying:  “Alex has a new partner” – is not conducive to a happy state of mind!

I really do need a virtual hug just now.

Thank goodness I’m going out this evening on a pub crawl and curry supper with a couple of friends.  See that’s two evenings in a row – so I am doing better!

Maybe I’ll wear myself out in the end – and then I’ll sleep better!

(Update:  And it would help if they got the information correct – rather than totally wrong! – So now I have to get them to change the documentation! – BOTHER!)

Focus, focus, focus…

But it is SO SO tough to do so.

“Look forwards not backwards”

“The situation you are in, is the situation you are in”

And shouting at the walls: “But I don’t want to be in this situation” and “My life wasn’t supposed to be like this”   isn’t going to make it go away.

It is what it is.  And those that succeed do look forwards and concentrate on their future – not their past.

So why can’t I?

Interrupted sleep sure as hell doesn’t help.

And also I really do need to stop this fascination with my email account and watching this blog to see how many hits I get per day!!  (BTW I got 115 yesterday which was something of a record!).

I’ve got masses of things I need to do and sitting glaring at the sorting out isn’t going to have any effect on it whatsoever!!

And despite what I keep telling everyone.  If Alex did say he wanted to come back I have a shrewd suspicion I would still be quite happy to consider that as a really good option.

I suppose it is a small step that I wouldn’t accept him without a massive amount of assurance that he genuinely meant it. And I would want us to get Relationship Coaching help.

Enough of this musing – I shall get going, go to work.  Enjoy my morning.  I have the afternoon off so I can join lots of the other locals in a protest against our local Council’s plans to concrete over a section of greenbelt land!

But today I really do feel I am the most reluctant divorcee on the planet!

I didn’t expect to get eczema

I really didn’t expect to get eczema – at least not now.  And I’ve never had it before. But apparently skin reactions are common when your body starts to ‘sort itself out’ if that’s the right way of putting it.

I would, however, prefer not to have eczema up my back and also under my bra strap   (sorry that’s probably far too much information!)  –  as it rubs and then itches – which is just great!  Sorry to sound sarcastic!   And no cream is helping.  And I am trying to avoid going to my GP- I am sure he has far better things to do than deal with my skin rash!

But I just thought I’d mention it here in case anyone else is experiencing odd or interesting reactions!

Anyway on another practical note I’ve just bought myself an electric blanket – so maybe I will sleep better if I’m warmer.

And I had a good life coaching session today.  As usual my weekly injection of  help put me in a better place.

And  I know I can get the hang of all this stuff he teaches!   I am going to!   I’m not stupid and I am capable of learning!   So no more negative thoughts.  And if I do get any its 10 positives to counteract it.

So hugs to all my readers – whoever you are.  And thank you to those who do comment – it’s great! I just love getting comments!

xxx