And it’s not the alarm clock – although it might as well be the way I wake to total alertness.
It would appear to be thoughts of Alex…….. and so I have to go on a don’t go there thought process – which my tired brain still seems to find too hard to do.
So then – after an hour or so – I go back to sleep only to be woken at 5.45am by the real alarm clock and all I want to do is go straight back to sleep.
Great!!!
Oh yes – I learnt something very important about values and rules yesterday – from one of my readers. Which I would love to share with you but I need to check first if I can.
I will write more later when I know.
After a lovely evening with friends I walked home and tucked up all calm and at peace.
Then up jumped my little demon and bashed around in my brain at 2.45 this morning (and I did feel he was a little red terror with a toasting fork!) until I woke up.
Clearly I have a way to go and I need to deal with the issues which still rush around demanding my attention.
So now it’s 6.30 and I’m struggling this morning. Must dash! Work requires me – sadly!
This appears to be the problem. Well it is for me! (and this has taken me 2 hours – from 5.15am to 7.15am – to write!)
My mind seems to having its own private war with itself. And so many things are whizzing around in it – all in conflict with each other that it actually hurts! I know I repeat myself time and time again to people. I tell people the same story. I write the same words. As I can’t remember who I’ve told what to – and no this isn’t an age thing – it’s because too much is going on and I feel I can’t process all the information fast enough. I really do feel as though I’ve got hundreds of random ideas and messages pouring in from all directions and I seem to have mislaid the “Sorting Office”!
This happens more at night than during the day – when I can – more often than not – take control and find the Sorting Office door (but still have problems opening it).
Writing about it here appears – at the moment – to be the only place where I can somehow get some of it into some sort of order (sorry for all the somes in this sentence).
So how do I feel? This – dear reader – is for my benefit ….. and the list is in no particular order:
A lot of the time I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Mesmerised by the horror of everything, unable to move. I just watch – stuck and almost paralysed.
I feel cornered and unable to find the ‘exit’
I feel as though I’ve been dumped into a washing machine but instead of being put on spin cycle so that all the grot can be pushed out by the centrifugal force, I’m being tossed about in this drum crashing down every time I reach the top.
I feel very scared: I am scared of being on my own. I am scared of not having enough money to live the life I want to live. That I won’t have the financial stability I had with Alex. And looking at my future finances (as in when I retire) I can see why I feel scared.
I am scared that I will continue to be over-flexible where any relationship is concerned.
I’m scared of actually embarking on a new relationship
I’m scared I’m too old
I feel this is never-ending and that I should be doing a great deal better than this
I feel I should be ‘cured’ by now.
No wonder I want a magic wand!
So what are these thoughts that are in such conflict: OK here goes. Again no particular order:
My life with Alex was the safest and happiest I have ever been in my life. And no I’m not putting a rosy glow on it. There were moments when I felt he shut me out. There were problems. I know that.
We had such fun together. Holidays were brilliant. Home life was a mixture of good/OK/undercurrent of concern and brilliant (in that order)
The sex wasn’t good a lot of the time. a) because I froze and b) because he became too diffident and far too frequently far too quick (I know this is a TMI moment – but: his staying power was sometimes almost non-existent) – but when it was good (as the saying goes) it was very, very good.
I can’t seem to get my head round why he ran. It’s as though a new person has inhabited his body – an alien – and I want someone to kill off the alien and give me back the Alex of old – BUT – with more strength than he had before and someone who is now comfortable with himself. Because I think he would have run anyway – even without the Amazon Tart. But without her I think we could have sorted out the problems. But only via the life coaching route.
Because – whenever we meet we get on so well. And providing we keep off the subject of “feelings” it’s as though none of this has happened. We are incredible friends and that makes all this so much harder. To remain friends without being lovers is not something I can live with so there is a conflict of the future I want and the one he says he wants. Maybe he actually doesn’t know what he really wants. And I know I can’t fix it (another conflict -as I am a good fixer!!).
I hate being on my own as my safety net has been removed. And I know I can perfectly well cope – I just don’t want to.
And I know all the above is the part of me that is clinging to the past and the past is gone and over and there’s no point in clinging to it but this is what I am feeling and this – today – is my Sorting Office. I need this written down to try and stop all these war-ing factions in my brain.
And much as I hate to admit it I want Alex and I to sort out our issues and have a future together which does grow, is romantic and rosy and Hollywood …..
Either that or would someone kill off that bit which still cares!
so what have I learnt/ gained/achieved since Alex left:
I have survived for almost 2 years without dying!
I have made an amazing number of friends I didn’t have before.
I have made friends through this blog which is wonderful and I am touched that people come and read this and even find it helpful
I have a buoyant personality which is capable of seeing humour in all this!
I am stronger than I think I am
I have dug deep and uncovered the fact that I was sexually assaulted at 15 and I now understand that it was more than wrong, that I shouldn’t have accepted it as OK and now I also understand why I freeze and what I really need is to be cuddled and hugged and gently, very gently made love to by someone who can spend all the time in the world helping me get over this and that one of the reasons I did freeze with Alex was he often was just getting his own sexual gratification and not really giving me what I needed. But then I hadn’t told him – so he didn’t know and that is very sad. And I also think as he’s never come to terms with his emotions he didn’t know how anyway.
This is an aside to this list: You know – a lot of this is all coming down to sex!!! (Sorry but I am writing this as I think it in an attempt to sort out all the muddle. And sex seems to be playing a large part in my thoughts just now! )
I’ve learnt that the fixer in me takes over when I see things going wrong. This is fine at work – where I fix as a job – it’s what I’m paid to do – but to do it in our marriage was wrong. I became ‘the man’ in my attempt to sort out our problems. I didn’t know I was doing it at the time – I do now.
I have gained an ability to stand up and speak to large groups of people. Something which is totally new. I have never – in my entire life – been able to do this. But suddenly I can. And this is an amazing positive.
I feel I have become a great deal nicer as a person. Softer and more understanding of others.
I treat people better.
I know I want an ‘oak tree’ type person for a partner – someone who will care for me but also want to watch me ‘fly’
I am funny.
I can write – sometimes quite amusingly
So where do I go from here? And this – of course – is the problem! Or should that be the opportunity.
I want to get rid of the dreams. Last night’s involved the friends of the man who assaulted me. I stood up and told them all what he’d done.
I want to be loved and cared for and not be on my own
I do want my dream future
I want to kill off the ‘washing machine’ which attacks me so often and be free of all the turmoil that envelops me when I lower my guard for a second.
I want more hugs! Well actually I want hugs Full Stop. I’m not getting any at the moment. I so need hugs!
I want all this to be a great deal easier than it is!
I want to understand my values, how to put them in order and how to apply the rules so I don’t let myself down
And much as I find Life Coaching interesting and valuable I don’t want to be doing it for the rest of my life!
Why when I finally do get back to sleep – does my brain feed me such disturbing dreams. I really do NOT need to dream about what my “Soon-to-be-Ex” is doing with his F***ing new woman. And in such unnecessary graphic detail. And why do my dreams make me be a bystander and observer to it all. And she’s so smug about it. So patronising. So pleased with herself. All 6’1″ of her. Bl**dy amazonian tart that she is. As I said to someone at the beginning of all this (back in Feb 2009) – I could just about cope with him exploring the upper reaches of the amazon – it was the lower reaches I objected to!!
BTW I’m just trying to make myself laugh this morning. Though laughter seems a long way off. And thank you AJ for your comment to my previous post! And the youtube link – brilliant. That did make me giggle!!
How I just wish someone could wave a magic wand which will:
Sort out all this clearing out for me
Sort out all the notifications I need to do with the move. The utility companies, insurances, etc (OK I know I do this as a job so am perfectly capable – I just want someone to share the burden)
Sort out my mind – with no effort from me – just do it. A sort of mind altering moment as in Harry Potter
Just take away all the stress and pressure
Actually – at this moment – all I want to do is shout HELP!
But I know that’s not possible. As
only I can sort out all the detritus that surrounds me
only I know what I want to keep.
only I can deal with all the paperwork
only I can sort out my mind. I can be given/shown the tools to do it but ultimately I have to put in the effort to do it. Only I can control me. And at the moment that’s just too big an ask.
And sitting here mulling over all this is not going to make the mountain of clearing any smaller.
I really do just want to give up and hide. But I know I can’t.
(12.00 midday) All I can do is cry – and today I am really crying. Sorting out our bedroom was always going to be tough – which is why I’d been putting it off. And it is. And no it bl**dy well isn’t cathartic.
Radio 2 is going through the best 50 duets of all time and this is one of mine. I think I need to heed the words:
1.30pm: Lunch break. Crying has turned into body-shaking sobbing. And no I can’t turn any of these bloody negatives into positives – there are none right now. I can’t. Maybe I just can’t today. Maybe I just don’t want to any more. And someone has just rung me up and asked my to dinner on Weds evening (which I have accepted) but I wish they would stop telling me I will feel better once I’ve moved, once I’ve completed all this sh*t, once I’ve ‘moved on’, once ……..
And I know I sound ungrateful – to all those who are encouraging me in all their different ways. I’m sorry, I’m not ungrateful I just can’t cope. I just happen to be stressed out of my mind.
3.3opm: Tea break. I’ve always been able to judge how well I’m doing by the number of handkerchiefs I have to wash. I’ve just run out of clean ones! Which hasn’t happened for a while.
I know this sounds self-indulgent BUT: This SO SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME. But it is. And how Alex can claim he still cares when he’s done what he’s done and behaved the way he has is beyond me. He has a very odd way of showing care.
Going through our past today has been very very emotional. As I come across various items – usually by accident – and remember the wonderful times we had together. It just seems so wrong that it all had to end. I am not a hard, cold, dispassionate person. I wish I was. I could then bin all the physical reminders of our past without a second look. I am emotional, I care. So it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. And this reality check of what has happened and what we had is so hard to get through. And I haven’t finished yet.
And I’m not even going to touch the photos – they’re going straight to store. Going through those would finish me off completely.
I sometimes wonder what the point of ME is! I felt I used to know. And no it hasn’t got anything to do with work. I thought I was important and mattered to Alex. I was important to my Dad in the last years of his life as I was one of his chief carers. I just don’t feel I matter anymore. Not really. I am an inconvenience to my brothers. And yes I know I have friends and you, my readers, who email me and comment on this blog – which is great. You do matter – thank god you’re out there.
And Yes I know “your mind gives you what you focus on” (life coaching moment) BUT actually I am not focusing on a miserable future. I don’t know what I’m focusing on. Very difficult not to focus on the past as the past is what I’m dealing with right now. And I don’t need to be reminded of any of it just now! And If I want to have a mini-rant I can as this is my blog and I can write what I like!!
OK I’ve made myself grin through my tears!! Gosh I do sound like a stroppy teenager!!
5.30pm – A dose of ironing has been very calming. The sobbing has stopped. Enough for today. My emotions can’t take any more for today. I’m listening to Radio 3 and Mozart (It’s Mozart all this week!). Also soothing and calming. and I now have a clean supply of handkerchiefs so I can bawl my eyes out again!! Not that I feel I can now. I’m cried out for now.
So it’s back to work tomorrow. Probably a good thing. I need a break from all this. I’ve emailed Alex to sort out the phone bill and to come and get the things I’ve found which belong to him.
I look dreadful. Crying has done nothing for my appearance. I have red eyes, black rings under my eyes. This is NOT a good look!
And just to add another mini-rant: How come people feel it’s good to say to me:
“We were invited to Alex’s for dinner the other night. He was on his own. Pity we were really looking forward to meeting his new woman”. So – on the one hand – I can feel pleased he is on his own – and on the other I wanted to dot her one for wanting to meet HER. Actually people just don’t think! But then she’s one of those who has told me: I should NOT be going to Life Coaching or any other form of therapy, I should be moving on, letting go, that clearing out will be good for me + several other things, Including did I know I was bossy! Anyway it’s all OK for her – she’s been happily married for nearly 30 years and has absolutely no idea what any of this is like!
What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night? And why?
It’s 2.30am and I’ve woken up – yet again. Tense & headachy – my neck and shoulders are as taught as a bow. Thoughts – muddled. I feel very, very wound up – as in tension – but I don’t know what about. Nothing is clear.
In fact this is how I often feel when I wake in the night. The feeling is very familiar. Some hidden deep uncertainty. That I am destined to do this on my own.
And as my notepad and pencil have disappeared from my bedside table I’ve got up and am blogging this instead.
My initial thoughts on waking are:
I want to be comforted from some unseen, unknown something. A great wish to be hugged and to feel someone should be here to protect me. I’m not sure what from. That is totally unclear. I just want protection. But I’m not scared.
I feel very alone – but I’m not miserable. Just alone. Which I don’t like.
Loss. A huge sense of loss. But again I’m not sure what of.
And such a strong feeling of being pulled in two directions. I feel very confused.
I have no idea what about. I just feel confused. A massive wish just to cry – and again I don’t know what over. I just want to weep and weep and weep. VERY emotional. As in emotional. Nothing more explicit. I wish I could be more explicit.
And this is how I often feel when I wake in the middle of the night. This is SO familiar. In recent weeks this is how I’ve felt.
I’ve never written it down before. I have no idea why. I think because it’s so difficult to express. Even now I can’t truly explain how I feel. What I’m experiencing.
Alex doesn’t really feature. Well not in the way Alex is now.
A feeling that no one will ever understand what’s zooming around in my head. How can they when I can’t even express it out loud myself.
It’s just that something isn’t right. I don’t know what. Something is very, very wrong. And whatever this something is I have to sort it out and put it right.
I feel as though I am letting myself down. That some higher ‘force’ is marking me and I am not scoring good enough marks. “Could do better” would be on my School of Life report.
Do I feel any better for writing this all down. Yes and No, not really. I feel I am trying to grasp something, some thought, some concern, some idea. But I can’t because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to look and which direction to go in.
All I know is that whatever it is, it causes me to wake up when I should be asleep.
I’m going back to bed now. It’s 3.15am. I wonder what I’ll think when I read this again in the morning!
This post will stay as my rule is NEVER DELETE. And in this case I won’t amend or update either.
I've Survived! and I'm "Flying"!! 